Monday, November 11, 2013

Getting to Know My Dog's Brush (In Which the Dog's Brush Can Speak and I Interview It)

Because it's the 316th +/- day of the year (out of 365.25) that my dogs shed nearly all their fur, I've decided to commemorate the occasion with a rare interview of their brush, without whom more than just two vacuums might have died.

Note: The brush is actually a set of conjoined (at the back) twins (Felix and Gruel). I have interviewed them both.

Felix

Me: So Felix, tell me about your typical day on the job.

Felix: So, I lie around in a dark cabinet. Then someone gets me out. And I get rubbed all over some dog's delicate areas that don't shed much. Then someone feels me up, and puts me back in the cabinet.

M: Huh, that sounds pretty simple, really. Don't you get bored?

F: No. I'm a brush.

M. True. So, what's your favorite ice cream flavor?

F. Blue Bunny Birthday Party. 'Cuz every day is a party, man!

M. Well, look at that; our time is up! Thanks for taking the time to talk with me today, Felix!

F. You betcha!

Next up: Gruel

Gruel

Me: So, Gruel, I'm dying to know: what made you decide to be a brush for a living? 

Gruel: I was born angry, lady (grrrrr). I'LL FIGHT YA WITH TWO HANDS BEHIND MY BACK!  (grrrrr) LET ME AT 'EM!

M: Oh, I see. You have anger issues. Naturally. Well, how about your typical day? How do you mentally and physically prepare for the job?

G: You know that scene in Bambi? When his mama....? Yeah, BANG!!! WHAT THE FLOCK?! SOME ASSHAT JUST POPPED A CAP IN BAMBI'S MAMA! rrrrraaAAAHH! LET ME AT 'EM! I'LL RIP HIS HAIR OUT WITH MY TEETH!

Oh, yeah. And I eat Wheaties for breakfast.

M: Alrighty then. Just one more question - for the fans: what's you favorite ice cream flavor?

G: Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls. Ever heard of it? 

M: Yeah, I have actually, but didn't it get discontinued? 

G: Do what?! rrrrAAAAHHHHH! NOT MY SCHWEDDY BALLS! I'LL KILL THEM WITH MY TEETH!! RAHHHHHH!

M: And, that's all the time we have for today, folks! Tune in next time when I interview these other fine dog grooming utensils:

The Shear Sisters

and...

Mr. C (for Cookie, as in Cookie Cutter)

and...

Darla, the lovesick Dremel

And remember...


♦♦♦♦♦


12 comments:

  1. I'm mostly speechless accept for that my dinner got cold so I could read an interview with not one but two corgi brushes! And that is my symptom of crazy for my 317th straight day of corgi coat blowing!

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    Replies
    1. How nice; no one's ever let their food get cold for my blog before! ;) Thanks for being crazy!

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  2. Instruments of torture! No wonder the boys are hiding their eyes!

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  3. BOL! Love it! Are those REALLY the only instruments of torture (that's what Barkly calls them) you have in your cabinet of cruelty?

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    Replies
    1. Well, yes. Unless you count the bottles of shampoo and conditioner. And the tidy-up wipes, for those less than fresh days. :)

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  4. Love the part about the brush getting felt up. Too funny. (On a related note, the inside of your head must be an interesting place. Who else interviews their dogs' brushes?! Very creative!)

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    1. Thank you. :) And as far as the inside of my head is concerned, it's being invaded by 10-year-old me's repressed imagination. And I've been waiting a mighty long time for that to happen!

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    2. I think I'd like to take a tour of that place sometime...

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  5. Hahahaha! Could you imagine if these things could really talk?

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