Saturday, August 24, 2013

Dwayne's World Presents: Bohemian Dog Rhapsody (a song parody)


In case you aren't aware (and most of you won't be), I used to employ Dwayne (pictured above) on the blog as a roving tabloid reporter (of sorts). Here's his job experience. He was pretty good, if you ask me. But a while back - rumor has it - he went on a reporting sabbatical in the Chihuahuan Desert, and after that, well, word was he hooked up with some frizzy red-headed guy named Darth, and the two of them...they got into this retro, public-access TV thing (as in: they had their own show called Dwayne's World - consisting mostly of a bunch of mindless blather and music videos). 

Yeah, I wasn't buying any of that malarkey (who does public-access TV anymore?), but then (out of the clear blue sky) I heard from Dwayne himself. And he told me it was all true. And he sent me something for all of you (sort of a belated adios, and have a nice life e-card). I think you'll like it. ;)

Such a talent, that Dwayne. Gosh, I miss him.

<><><>

 Dwayne's World presents...

You'll laugh. You might cry. But, please don't hurl; it's unbecoming.

Bohemian Dog Rhapsody

by Knave
(Queen canine cover band)

Tip: Click the PLAY button on the player below for the instrumental/karaoke track, so you can sing along! DO IT! ☺




♪♫♪♫ Is this my life?
It seems such a tragedy. 
Caught in a warped mind.
No escape from this parody.
Open your eyes.
It's just make believe, you see?
I'm just a red boy, from a red family.



And I am easy come, easy go
Never high, always low
Any way the wind blows, it's just passing gas to me.

♪♫♪♫♪

Mama, just licked a (small) man.


Put my tongue upon his head
Dragged it hither, now he's wet.
Mama, I had just begun
But he squealed, and then he shoved my head away.
Mama, ooooh


Didn't mean to get his eye
But it'll dry, and if not, I'll need to borrow...
The ShamWow, the ShamWow
As if slobber really matters.

♪♫♪♫♪

I see a boy who stacks legos with his hands.
Wants a pooch; wants a pooch
Have you tried the Petango?
Thunderbolt and lightning, pups might find it frightening
Try these (thundershirts - not an endorsement).


Galileo! Galileo! Galileo!

Galileo


Pinocchio!

♪♫♪♫♪

But I'm just a red boy and everybody loves me.
He's just a red boy, from a red family.


Spare him his pride from this blog malady.
Easy come, easy go - will you let him go?
Pepto Bismol! No - she will not let him go - let him go!
Pepto Bismol! She will not let him go - let him go!
(blah blah blah)
Never let me go - let me go!
Never let me go - oooh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go.
  


The peeps at PetHub.com have a web page set aside for me.
For me.
For meeeeee!

(Hint: click image to crank up the volume!)


So you think you can make me a frat boy who smells pie?
Wrap bacon round my neck then leave me high and dry?

I Smelta Pie

Oh, baby, you must me bat-$#*t crazy!
I just gotta get out, just gotta get up outta here!

♪♫♪♫♪

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
As if slobber really matters
Really, can't you see?
Slobber doesn't matter to me.


♪♫♪♫ Any way the wind blows...

The End

<><><><><>



"Nothing really matters...but moi!" - Miss Piggy

♥♥♥


Sunday, August 18, 2013

Elfin Jar Hog, or: How to Turn Your Pet's (or Anyone's) Name into an Anagram

Hey, wanna know a secret? I can't believe I'm writing a how-to on making pet name anagrams. Because why didn't someone do it a long time ago?! Think of all the fun we've all been missing!
Thanks for listening. ;)

* * * * *

Anagram: A word (e.g., name), phrase or sentence formed from another by rearranging its letters. 

What the peanut butter fudge?! ;)

 I happened to walk by the TV the other morning at precisely the same time a certain network news program was running a segment on name anagrams. Not pet name anagrams, specifically, just proper names, in general. And during the segment, the three anchors on camera learned humorous rearrangements of their own names, as previously chosen by producers, using the website anagramgenius.com.

Naturally, I ran straight to my computer, found the website (plus a couple others), and anagrammed Jon Farleigh and Dewi's names, six ways from Sunday. (In case you're not familiar with that vernacular: I spent at least 2 hours, using their call names, nick names and AKC kennel names, trying to find anagrams that suited their personalities/traits.) 

Good googly moogly, y'all! The number of word combinations were mind-boggling! 

That's a REAL anagram of his full name, Dewi Vaughn!

As you all know (and if you don't, you do now), I can't stand to keep fun stuff to myself, so I'm gonna show you how you can find unlimited anagrams of your own (in a fraction of the time it took me), using two different (free) websites!

Insider's Tip: Several more hilarious anagram-captioned photos of my Corgis are dotted throughout this tutorial.

The first one (mentioned above, as touted by a certain network news) is anagramgenius.com.



Just scroll down the home page to the free "Anagram Server" option, and click "Try it now."


Type whatever name you want in "The text to be anagrammed" field, and click "Generate Anagrams" at the bottom of the page. 


With this particular website, only one anagram will result* (based on your search criteria), even though there might be thousands of possible word combinations (the larger the name the more possibilities). In my example above, the anagram of Jon Farleigh is "Jr of Healing." (What the heck is that, by the way?) ;)

For the record, I like this anagram (of Jon's full kennel name) much better! ;)

And, that is why I'm going to show you how to find multiple results using a different (free) website!

But first, here are a few search tips:

<> The more letters in the name, the better search results (obviously). But obvious aside, if your pet's name is Fifi, or Bob, for example, you're gonna have to use both a first and (your?) last name, or a longer nick name, or full kennel name (like I used above with Jon Farleigh, if applicable) to get good results. 
<> Leave the gender "inanimate." 
<> Three-word anagrams are better than two (if possible).
<> Set minimum word length at 2 (if you have the option) to get more results.
<> Don't be afraid to play around! You can't break these websites (probably)!

From Dewi's full kennel name. I don't even want to know. :P 

The next website is easypeasy.com/anagrams.



This page is overwhelming to look at, so don't (look at it)! Just trust me, and click the first link, "Solve/Make Anagram," in the left side bar, under the Start Here menu.


Enter your search criteria on this screen. Note: The numeric selection criteria will be prefilled. To get the best results, however, enter "2" as the shortest word size, and nothing higher than 3 for must have size.

Your max words number should vary, the longer the name you enter. For example, I entered his full kennel name, Cadnocluns Jon Farleigh, and selected 4 for max words. If I'd used just Jon Farleigh, though, I would have changed that criteria to 3.

Remember! You can't break this stuff, so, frankly, you can enter whatever criteria you want, and just play around until you get what you're looking for. 

If you traded the "e" in "geranium" for a "c," and moved the "g" over in front of the "ash," it would say
Vain Dwarf Cranium Gash. EW!

Anagram Engine Results Screen


Scroll down the page until you see Part 1: The words used to create your anagrams. Here, you should see a long list of words that were generated using the letters in the name you provided. You don't need to do a thing with these words, BUT...you might find it fun to glance through some of them - because not all of them will be used in your anagrams - just to see if there's anything particularly "fitting" or  even, "shocking"!

Once enough time has elapsed (and the engine starts spitting out anagrams), you can continue to scroll down the page to Part 2: The resulting anagrams. They will be listed in some sort of alphabetical pattern, so you might need to scroll a lot to see all your results (depending on how long the name is, and/or the maximum number of search results you listed on the (previous) search input screen).

To change your results at any time, just scroll back up the page to the left side bar in Part 1, and click tweak these results. If you do, you'll be directed back to the previous page. 

Aren't ashamed and Nirvana mutually exclusive?
Perhaps Dewi just needs to find his fir wig, aka Christmas tree hat!? ;)

And, friends, that's all there is to it! 

So, you think you'll try it? Or, have you already?

And if you do try it, I'd love for you to share some of your results, especially the wacky ones, either here or on the Facebook page!

P.S. You can post pics there, too! Like this one, perhaps:

Let me just be the first to say that if, in fact, Jon Farleigh was being bathed in margarine,
he would not be looking at the camera. Nor would I be dumb enough to publish photographic evidence.

Or this:

Sweet! ;-)

Have fun, y'all!


* At anagramgenius.com, there is the option to download some free (and fairly robust) anagram software, with which you can input many custom criteria, and generate thousands of results (among other things). I downloaded it, frankly, before I realized I needn't have, to get, for my simple needs, the same results. If you decide to download the free software, though, be advised that you only get 10 searches before your "trial" ends, at which time, you'll have the option to purchase an "upgrade," or go to easypeasy.com/anagrams (for example) and do it for free. :)

Saturday, August 10, 2013

I Would Do Anything for a Ball, but I Won't Do That

A few things first:

<> This is not that kind of blog.
<> There is nothing parodic about this post, other than the title, speaking of which...
<> Thanks, Meat Loaf.
<> There is a "permanent" x-pen in my family room; it has felt pads under the corners, to save the floor.
<> This is not a PSA about spaying and neutering your pets, but while I'm on the subject, please do.
<>  According to the book The Intelligence of Dogs by Stanley Coren, Cardigan Welsh Corgis are the 26th most intelligent dog breed.

* * *

'S'my ball. My. Ball. 

I might have mentioned before (about 106 times, here and there) that - aside from eating - Dewi's favorite activity is fetching, preferably his rope. No, let me rephrase that: Dewi is a rope addict and might need an intervention.

I know, I know - lots of dogs are crazy about fetching. You might be lucky enough to have one (or more) of your own (bless your hearts). It's just that I think Dewi might be "special." And by "special," well...

Have you ever seen a dog fetch like this??!


So, do you think Dewi might be "special"?
Hold on to that thought for a couple minutes.
(P.S. Did you get a load of Bertie, the cat? hehe)

Now, I'm no expert on dog IQ, but I've tried a few simple tests on both Dewi and Jon Farleigh. Here's a chart with some of the results.

Test Passed
Finds way out from under a blanket
Yes
Answers to own name, and not to random words spoken in the same tone
Ex. Responds to "Dewwwiii!" but not to "Vacuuuuum!" or Fryiiiing Paaan!" for example
Yes
Understands English
Yes
Can find a treat under a cup, in between the couch cushions, under the refrigerator, in the litter box...
Yes
When playing fetch with a tennis ball, and the ball accidentally lands in an empty (shoulder-high) laundry basket, knows to hop in the basket to retrieve the ball

Example:

No
If placed inside an empty (shoulder-high) laundry basket with a tennis ball, and given the command to "bring me the ball," makes an attempt to get out of the basket (with or without ball)

Example:

No

And...I don't know, y'all. Based on those results, I'm inclined to think:
they're both "special!" 
Wouldn't you agree? ;-)

Out of immense curiosity, for those who have (or have had) Corgis or any other dwarf breed of dog, would your dog(s) be able to pass that last laundry basket test?

Let me know in the poll below! Thanks!


Saturday, August 3, 2013

Classic Cardigan (Do-Over): I Was a Dumb@ss Newbie in Three Dog Bakery

On December 29, 2010, I published the first post on this blog. It was an e-holiday card that I'd made of the dogs. I thought it was cute (and clever, frankly) and wanted the entire world to see it. 

On January 1, 2011, I published the first (predominantly) written post on this blog. Because January 1 is Jon Farleigh's birthday, the post was about my experience buying his first "doggie" birthday cake at Three Dog Bakery, which is - just as it sounds - a bakery for dogs. A boutique, if you will (in my local dog-friendly shopping mall), that sells homemade, gourmet dog (and cat) treats, plus a variety of other (mostly) dog related accessories and gifts. 

I was terrified (of both ordering the doggie cake and publishing the blog post), because I was a newbie. And was afraid of making a complete fool of myself in front of "experienced" dog people (in the bakery and, yes, all of you)

Things have changed a lot since then. And by that, I mean that somewhere along the way, I lost my inhibition. And, I got a lot of writing practice. And, well, if I could go back and do it again, I'd rewrite that first blog post to reflect how I really felt ordering Jonny's cake that day.

Well, guess what?

You must be in a time warp, because here it is (rewritten)!
(Except that I didn't rewrite it per se, but added editorial comments; you'll see them in red.)

[Originally titled "Birthday Cake (not fit for human consumption)"]
(Edit: That's a boring title, so I changed it.)


This is an actual doggie cake. Looks delicious, doesn't it?

So, I bought Jonny (Edit: We still call him that a lot.) a birthday cake at Three Dog Bakery. My very first cake purchase for a pet - ever. But, since this awesome...
(Edit: I'd never actually been in the place before, so "awesome" was a stretch.)

...doggie bakery/boutique has opened up in town, I honestly couldn't wait for the time to come.
 (Edit: I felt left out and needed a reason to go in there and spend my husband's money.)

I mean, who wouldn't want to get their furry baby an adorable little, homemade and personalized (by someone else) bone-shaped birthday cake? (Apparently only the dog-obsessed, according to my husband and children - but that's another story.)
(Edit: See?? Not woman enough to admit that I desperately wanted to be one of those stark-raving, bone cake-buying, dog-obsessed people, so I used my family as scapegoats.)


Peanut Butter Icing, Chopped Peanuts and Carob
(Edit: But NO sugar - it tasted like sour peanuts to me, thankfully, or I'd have eaten half of it.)

Anyway, as I was paying (13 bucks well-spent)...
(Edit: I was rationalizing having spent $13 on a dog's cake, when Jon Farleigh would've been just as happy eating free kitty "Hershey" out of the litter box.)

...for the little cake, the girl behind the register said, "Oh, and it feeds 10."
(Edit: She - perky and half my age - said, "Oh, this one will feed 10," in the same sing-song-y tone that I'd only ever previously heard while ordering my kids' Barney [for example] birthday cakes in the local Food Lion.)

And since - as I stated before - I'm new to the whole doggie birthday cake thing, I was momentarily dumbfounded, and I'm sure appeared like a deer (Edit: dumb@ss) in headlights, while thinking to myself, "surely she means 10 dogs,"...
(Edit: What I actually thought to myself: "WTFudge?! Feeds 10?! 10 what?! She can't possibly mean dogs; who the fudge does that?! What the heck do I do now?! Ask her what she meant and look like a dumb@ss in front of all these crazy-@ss dog people, who [because I was certain everyone in the place was watching me - like I'd ridden in with a neon "Look at me! I'm a dumb@ss!" sign strapped to my back] have ordered their dogs 100 cakes already, and who will INSTANTLY know that I'm a newbie-dumb@ass-misfit-of-a-dog-person as soon as I open my mouth to ask the question??! OH, HELL NO!")

...but I was too embarrassed to ask her. So, then I quickly glanced down at the ingredients posted on the display case and read: wheat flour, honey, blah, blah, blah. I thought, "surely this cake isn't for people, she must mean 10 dogs, but who invites nine dogs over to eat cake? Oh, just buck up and ask her already!" [lift eyes to make eye contact] "Ten dogs, right?" I finally asked. "Uh huh," she said with a slight grin.
(Edit: Everything I just struck out was a lie. The only time I have ever told a lie on this blog. [cough] Well, the only time I ever told one because I was too embarrassed to tell the truth.)

Or maybe I imagined that.
(Edit: Yes, I did imagine that. Because it didn't happen. I never asked her for clarification. I was a coward. I went home and Googled it.)

Boy, did I feel stupid when I walked out.
(Edit: Stupid, ashamed and wondering whether the whole family would be sharing the $1.30/slice canine-cake, that I'd just driven over 20 miles to get.) 

The dogs LOVED the cake, by the way, and still have eight more servings saved for later.
(Edit: That part was true. My dogs like the taste of sour peanuts.)

The Partying Cardi Boys
(Note: I changed all the captions. They were too nice in the original.)

I feel tingly all over and have lost control of the muscles in my face.

Dude, you got a keg, too?!

*burp*

Is this some sort of torture ritual?

I can't remember why I'm standing here.

* * *

Thanks for allowing me to set the record straight, dear "expert" dog people. It's comforting to know that I can be my true self here, dumb@ss and all. [insert mental image of a buck-toothed, grinning mule]

Pleasant days 'til next time!
♥♥♥

P.S. I've been back to the same "boutique" bakery for every single one of Jon Farleigh's and Dewi's birthdays since, and not once - ever - have I laughed at a dumb@ss newbie.

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