Monday, March 11, 2013

Classic Cardigan: Elizabeth Beats the Crap out of a 'Goblin' at Busch Gardens Theme Park

Busch Gardens theme park in Williamsburg, Virginia officially opens for the season this Sunday, March 17 - St. Patrick's Day. This is significant because being a park with a European theme - including an entire section resembling an enchanted village in Ireland - there are sure to be throngs of eager park-goers hoping to catch a glimpse of a mischievous Leprechaun.

To those people I say this: Although it is the Leprechauns you seek, I implore you, when you get to the German villages, it is the "Pavement Goblins" you must look out for! 

(Note: If you're new to this blog and are looking for Busch Gardens Williamsburg, VA Pet Care Center information only, you'll find my full review HERE. My dogs and I highly recommend this hidden-gem-of-a facility!)

And as for everyone else (aka those who're looking for a cheap laugh at my expense who simply want to read my harrowing tale), here you go!

Originally published on April 16, 2012...

Some Call It Eating Pavement; I Call It Getting Even

My mom person is a superhero.

So there might have been a little non-dog-related incident at the Busch Gardens theme park on Friday. And well, if I'm going to be completely honest, even though I still say (as I did at the end of Saturday's post) that the family (plus dog) adventure was "splendid," I'm gonna need to get this one thing off my chest... 

Okay, so I was in the "enchanted" German section of the park, (hastily) making my way around Der Wirbelwind to meet my kids when, out of the corner of my eye, I could've sworn I saw the likeness of a goblin grinning up at me from a groove in the stamped concrete pavement. Of whose menacing presence I am now convinced, due to the events that immediately followed.

For, as if a crooked little hand had reached out of the abyss and grabbed hold of my rubber-soled shoe, I found myself unable to lift my left foot off the ground. And due to the sheer velocity in which my upper torso and right leg were still moving, there was no way I could safely continue (lest the hung shoe inexplicably come undone from my foot). 

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So the best photo I could find, depicting how my stuck shoe and I must've looked, is this one of Lady Gaga (in Heathrow Airport - which apparently also has goblins living in its concrete floor).
Also, I do not have this outfit in my closet.

And being that this was a huge inconvenience for me (as my kids would be stranded at the exit not knowing my whereabouts), not to mention I could've seriously injured myself, I decided to teach that "pavement goblin" a much needed (physical) lesson.

Starting with a flying elbow drop.

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So this is Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat, NOT me.
But, I promise you, I totally did this exact same Ric Flair move.
Here's the scab on my elbow to prove it.

And then I abused it as if it were the base under this runner's feet.

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Again, not me, but I'm 99.99% sure this was the look on my face.

I don't feel like showing you a close up of them, but you can be sure, I have bruises and scabs on my legs to prove it.

And finally, just in case the beating alone wasn't punishment enough, with my free arm (read: the one not pinned under my left hip), I threw my child's half-full cup of frozen lemonade all over the pavement, where that goblin's face once mocked me.

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This is NOT what the goblin looked like, by the way. But I'm sure it was just as humiliated.

And aside from my sticky throwing hand, I didn't get any lemonade on me or my clothes. 

Interestingly, no one came to the rescue of the "pavement goblin." But there were a couple spectators who came to check and see if I was still alive congratulate me.

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You can just substitute stamped concrete pavement for the steps here (although I have beaten up some steps in my day). Also (thanking all that is Holy), I was not wearing a dress. 

I don't know what happened to all the other people who witnessed my heroic assault, but I recall hearing wailing, and then seeing people quickly shield their faces so that I wouldn't see them laughing hysterically from the mayhem.

I thanked those two people who came to congratulate me (even though one of them wrongly told a park worker that I had done a face-plant, because - duh! - no one in her right mind purposely plants her face on pavement).

Then I checked for blood fixed my clothes pretended like it didn't hurt to move collected myself and walked away to find my kids (who were incidentally just 'round the corner), content that I'd taught that evil "pavement goblin" a lesson.


Thanks for listening. :)


  1. Glad you taught that goblin a lesson! ;)

  2. Ha ha the pavement goblin? Hope you hell-bow is not too bad. Apart from the worship of concrete we thinks it sounds like a great place. We are sure it will be rocking on St Patricks' Day. Have a terrific Tuesday.
    Best wishes Molly

  3. I love your story. But I'm not convinced you don't have that Lady Gaga outfit hiding in the back of your closet. :)

  4. Are you sure that's Lady Gaga and not you? Think of the goblin stomp you could have done if only you had that outfit!


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