Because it's the 316th +/- day of the year (out of 365.25) that my dogs shed nearly all their fur, I've decided to commemorate the occasion with a rare interview of their brush, without whom more than just two vacuums might have died.
Note: The brush is actually a set of conjoined (at the back) twins (Felix and Gruel). I have interviewed them both.
Me: So Felix, tell me about your typical day on the job.
Felix: So, I lie around in a dark cabinet. Then someone gets me out. And I get rubbed all over some dog's delicate areas that don't shed much. Then someone feels me up, and puts me back in the cabinet.
M: Huh, that sounds pretty simple, really. Don't you get bored?
F: No. I'm a brush.
M. True. So, what's your favorite ice cream flavor?
F. Blue Bunny Birthday Party. 'Cuz every day is a party, man!
M. Well, look at that; our time is up! Thanks for taking the time to talk with me today, Felix!
F. You betcha!
Next up: Gruel
Me: So, Gruel, I'm dying to know: what made you decide to be a brush for a living?
Gruel: I was born angry, lady (grrrrr). I'LL FIGHT YA WITH TWO HANDS BEHIND MY BACK! (grrrrr) LET ME AT 'EM!
M: Oh, I see. You have anger issues. Naturally. Well, how about your typical day? How do you mentally and physically prepare for the job?
G: You know that scene in Bambi? When his mama....? Yeah, BANG!!! WHAT THE FLOCK?! SOME ASSHAT JUST POPPED A CAP IN BAMBI'S MAMA! rrrrraaAAAHH! LET ME AT 'EM! I'LL RIP HIS HAIR OUT WITH MY TEETH!
Oh, yeah. And I eat Wheaties for breakfast.
M: Alrighty then. Just one more question - for the fans: what's you favorite ice cream flavor?
G: Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls. Ever heard of it?
M: Yeah, I have actually, but didn't it get discontinued?
G: Do what?! rrrrAAAAHHHHH! NOT MY SCHWEDDY BALLS! I'LL KILL THEM WITH MY TEETH!! RAHHHHHH!
M: And, that's all the time we have for today, folks! Tune in next time when I interview these other fine dog grooming utensils:
|The Shear Sisters|
|Mr. C (for Cookie, as in Cookie Cutter)|
|Darla, the lovesick Dremel|