Saturday, August 3, 2013

Classic Cardigan (Do-Over): I Was a Dumb@ss Newbie in Three Dog Bakery

On December 29, 2010, I published the first post on this blog. It was an e-holiday card that I'd made of the dogs. I thought it was cute (and clever, frankly) and wanted the entire world to see it. 

On January 1, 2011, I published the first (predominantly) written post on this blog. Because January 1 is Jon Farleigh's birthday, the post was about my experience buying his first "doggie" birthday cake at Three Dog Bakery, which is - just as it sounds - a bakery for dogs. A boutique, if you will (in my local dog-friendly shopping mall), that sells homemade, gourmet dog (and cat) treats, plus a variety of other (mostly) dog related accessories and gifts. 

I was terrified (of both ordering the doggie cake and publishing the blog post), because I was a newbie. And was afraid of making a complete fool of myself in front of "experienced" dog people (in the bakery and, yes, all of you)

Things have changed a lot since then. And by that, I mean that somewhere along the way, I lost my inhibition. And, I got a lot of writing practice. And, well, if I could go back and do it again, I'd rewrite that first blog post to reflect how I really felt ordering Jonny's cake that day.

Well, guess what?

You must be in a time warp, because here it is (rewritten)!
(Except that I didn't rewrite it per se, but added editorial comments; you'll see them in red.)

[Originally titled "Birthday Cake (not fit for human consumption)"]
(Edit: That's a boring title, so I changed it.)

This is an actual doggie cake. Looks delicious, doesn't it?

So, I bought Jonny (Edit: We still call him that a lot.) a birthday cake at Three Dog Bakery. My very first cake purchase for a pet - ever. But, since this awesome...
(Edit: I'd never actually been in the place before, so "awesome" was a stretch.)

...doggie bakery/boutique has opened up in town, I honestly couldn't wait for the time to come.
 (Edit: I felt left out and needed a reason to go in there and spend my husband's money.)

I mean, who wouldn't want to get their furry baby an adorable little, homemade and personalized (by someone else) bone-shaped birthday cake? (Apparently only the dog-obsessed, according to my husband and children - but that's another story.)
(Edit: See?? Not woman enough to admit that I desperately wanted to be one of those stark-raving, bone cake-buying, dog-obsessed people, so I used my family as scapegoats.)

Peanut Butter Icing, Chopped Peanuts and Carob
(Edit: But NO sugar - it tasted like sour peanuts to me, thankfully, or I'd have eaten half of it.)

Anyway, as I was paying (13 bucks well-spent)...
(Edit: I was rationalizing having spent $13 on a dog's cake, when Jon Farleigh would've been just as happy eating free kitty "Hershey" out of the litter box.)

...for the little cake, the girl behind the register said, "Oh, and it feeds 10."
(Edit: She - perky and half my age - said, "Oh, this one will feed 10," in the same sing-song-y tone that I'd only ever previously heard while ordering my kids' Barney [for example] birthday cakes in the local Food Lion.)

And since - as I stated before - I'm new to the whole doggie birthday cake thing, I was momentarily dumbfounded, and I'm sure appeared like a deer (Edit: dumb@ss) in headlights, while thinking to myself, "surely she means 10 dogs,"...
(Edit: What I actually thought to myself: "WTFudge?! Feeds 10?! 10 what?! She can't possibly mean dogs; who the fudge does that?! What the heck do I do now?! Ask her what she meant and look like a dumb@ss in front of all these crazy-@ss dog people, who [because I was certain everyone in the place was watching me - like I'd ridden in with a neon "Look at me! I'm a dumb@ss!" sign strapped to my back] have ordered their dogs 100 cakes already, and who will INSTANTLY know that I'm a newbie-dumb@ass-misfit-of-a-dog-person as soon as I open my mouth to ask the question??! OH, HELL NO!")

...but I was too embarrassed to ask her. So, then I quickly glanced down at the ingredients posted on the display case and read: wheat flour, honey, blah, blah, blah. I thought, "surely this cake isn't for people, she must mean 10 dogs, but who invites nine dogs over to eat cake? Oh, just buck up and ask her already!" [lift eyes to make eye contact] "Ten dogs, right?" I finally asked. "Uh huh," she said with a slight grin.
(Edit: Everything I just struck out was a lie. The only time I have ever told a lie on this blog. [cough] Well, the only time I ever told one because I was too embarrassed to tell the truth.)

Or maybe I imagined that.
(Edit: Yes, I did imagine that. Because it didn't happen. I never asked her for clarification. I was a coward. I went home and Googled it.)

Boy, did I feel stupid when I walked out.
(Edit: Stupid, ashamed and wondering whether the whole family would be sharing the $1.30/slice canine-cake, that I'd just driven over 20 miles to get.) 

The dogs LOVED the cake, by the way, and still have eight more servings saved for later.
(Edit: That part was true. My dogs like the taste of sour peanuts.)

The Partying Cardi Boys
(Note: I changed all the captions. They were too nice in the original.)

I feel tingly all over and have lost control of the muscles in my face.

Dude, you got a keg, too?!


Is this some sort of torture ritual?

I can't remember why I'm standing here.

* * *

Thanks for allowing me to set the record straight, dear "expert" dog people. It's comforting to know that I can be my true self here, dumb@ss and all. [insert mental image of a buck-toothed, grinning mule]

Pleasant days 'til next time!

P.S. I've been back to the same "boutique" bakery for every single one of Jon Farleigh's and Dewi's birthdays since, and not once - ever - have I laughed at a dumb@ss newbie.


  1. Ah yes, the good old Three Dog Bakery (that I mistakenly called the Three Dog "Barkery" for an embarrassingly long time!). We usually take a shopping trip to Richmond once a year for my sister's birthday in October (because she's weird like that and likes to travel from Hampton to Richmond just to hit up the malls there...), and Stony Point is one of those stops.

    While I haven't bought Riley an actual cake there, I have bought our dogs some of the fancy treats--they love them! I can't imagine any cake serving 10 dogs! Especially not with Riley the vacuum cleaner around! ;)

    In fact, I was just in Richmond today, but for business and not leisure. :(

    ...aaaand I totally forgot what the whole point of my comment was...!

    Elyse (and Riley)

  2. Your blog posts have always been hilarious whether you were censoring yourself back then or not! But feel free to keep the filters turned off ;-)

  3. Gosh we think we were pretty much the same. Everything at first was so difficult. Time moves on and you grow in so many ways. Have a serene Sunday and get some of the big easy in today.
    Best wishes Molly

  4. Too funny! I'm glad to know there are still 3 Dog Bakeries around. (The one we used to sometimes go to when we'd visit my sis in Santa Barbara is gone.) Those pics are so cute! Love the "keg" picture!!

  5. This is awesome! I loved it. And I wish we had a place near me; I'll have to look around Seattle. I wonder if our dogs would eat it.


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