Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I'd Love to Write French Ad Copy for Pet-Related Brands, but I Don't, so I Post Stories Like This on Facebook Instead

In my third year of high school French, we got a pairs assignment: perform a 10-minute skit of your choice, in front of the class, and completely in French. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and just hoped that I'd be able to spin it well enough for my partner (a friend) to get on board.

A couple weeks, a stack of French-scripted index cards and several rehearsals later, my partner and I were positioned in front of the class - she standing, and I seated, or I should say - perched - on top of a stool, dressed in yellow, as French Morris the cat - the snarky* star of the (80s-era) 9Lives cat food commercials. 

The class hadn't seen it coming, and therefore, was defenseless. ☺



For me, writing and acting in that 10-minute cat food commercial spoof was (and remains) the highlight of my entire high school French career.

How had I not seen the writing on the wall?

Although I went on to take a couple more French classes in college, I never pursued the language, nor pet-industry advertising, as a career.

* The word "snark" didn't exist in the 80s.

This morning on the Today show, in a strange coincidence, there was lighthearted discussion around a British survey that asked respondents to say whether or not they are in the career that they dreamed about as a child. Unsurprisingly, only 6% said they are.

If they'd surveyed me, I'd have been in the 94% majority. I'm not a veterinarian. (Because who in her right mind - between 11-15 years old - aspires to be a French ad copy writer for pet-related brands?!) Besides, I'm pretty sure I wasn't meant to be a vet.

It can be argued, however, that I was meant to write about animals, ad-spoofing very much included. What's still not entirely clear, is whether there will ever be a "career" of it.

By the way, I was born optimistic.

So, what's the moral of this story? Well, it's this: When you find passion as a child - even if it involves talking animals and toilet humor - if you run from it, it will hunt you down and poke you like a stooge, right in both eyes. Only let it poke you once, my friends. Because a true stooge - by the second poke - has mastered the thumb-to-the-nose, sideways-hand, poke-deflecting maneuver.

In other words, don't be a stooge. ☺



And, for the record, I still get the urge to write in French sometimes. Only a little, though, because I'm way out of practice (and the last thing I need is to get shunned by grammarists in both English and French). I had one of those urges yesterday on my Facebook page (such a tolerant bunch, those Facebook peeps). If you recall, I mentioned something about Facebook in the title of this post. Surely, that means I intend to share what I wrote then, right?

Of course! Here it is. It's about Dewi and me. *runs and hides*




Still here? Yay!☺

OK, how about a vintage 9Lives, Morris the cat commercial to redirect your thoughts?!


Gosh, I love 70s and 80s pet food commercials, and Morris. ♥

Here's a fun article from BuzzFeed that claims Morris was the original Grumpy Cat. Although, I don't know that I necessarily agree with that. Morris would never agree to be a meme. 

So, has anyone else circled back to a passion you left behind in childhood? Do tell!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Classic Cardigan Double Feature: Things That've Happened While My Pets Watched Me Pee

So, while I was peeing this morning, watching Bertie (cat) and Jon Farleigh tinkering around next to my shoes, and reminiscing about the time I discovered baby Bertie hiding in the TP storage basket, I snapped these photos. (OK, I didn't snap them while I was peeing, it was after the fact. I don't use cameras over an open bowl. That's just bad hygiene, not to mention I can't afford to buy a new iPhone.)






And then, I thought it might be fun to post the before and after shots, so you can see how much he's grown.

Bertie Before

Bertie After
(Totally giving Jon Farleigh the "I'll slap you" eye in this shot.)


He couldn't fit in that basket if he was a contortionist in the circus.

Not-so-babyish Bertie is 2.5 years old now (and so handsome)!

This is what Jon Farleigh looked like 2.5 years ago, as he watched me pee.



Note: In case you already forgot, I don't use cameras over an open bowl; therefore, that photo was staged, after the fact. I was sitting there pretending to be peeing.

There is no "After" photo of Jon Farleigh, either. He looks exactly the same today, even down to the recently blown undercoat (which is why he looks so skinny).

I wonder why our pets like to attend to our toileting matters so much? Perhaps because they just like our company? Want our undivided attention? Need to make sure we don't get sucked in? Or maybe, they just think it's what they're supposed to do, since we're always watching them pee and all?


Bertie on his throne. Clearly, he believes he's King of the World.  ☺
(Pardon the graininess; the photo was taken stealthily.)


Well, whatever it is, I guess it's OK. I think I'd become lonely if I had to start peeing by myself, after all this time.

There was that one time, even, when I was so touched by Jon Farleigh's lavatory devotion, that I wrote him a poem about it. I'll be happy to reshare it here, since you've probably forgotten the words by now.

Stick around after you get to the end, too, and I'll retell the story about how I heard purring from the commode, but I was the only living thing visible in the room. (Totally true.)

OK, enjoy! And happy toileting!

Originally published on March 21, 2012...

On Canine Devotion: Poetry from the Loo



My Dearest Jon Farleigh, 

It is you
Who dutifully accompanies me to the loo


Like a sentry stationed there,
Just beyond my underwear.


But for your quiet presence,
I'd surely not escape the dark menace


Who stalks me from the floor,
Staring through the bathroom door.


My trusted canine friend
Through thick and thin.

Gentle Corgi.


Affectionately, 
Me

***

Originally published on October 30, 2012...


((ring)) 'Hello?' 'Is your toilet purring?'


"Er...uh...I guess?"

"Then you better hurry up and CYA (cover your @ss)!"

Seriously?

(Note: The Chronicles of Cardigan does not endorse making prank calls. It's just wrong. ;)

~~~~~~~~


True Story...

While an unsuspecting human was "resting" on the toilet, thinking deep thoughts (like about all the Reese's cups she/he couldn't wait to lift from her/his kids' Halloween candy, for example), she/he suddenly became aware of a loud purring in the seemingly barren bathroom.

Barren Bathroom (human on toilet removed)

"WHAT THE FUDGE?!" wondered the human.

Then, after straining to bend over far enough (without becoming dethroned) to check the crack under the door (and briefly pondering lifting one butt cheek for a quick backward glance), she determined that the purring was coming from the toilet paper storage receptacle on the floor.


"HUH???"




And thus, Bertie's secret zen place was no longer a secret.

~ The End ~

Do any of you have a pet-related, human-toilet anecdote to share? Your pets DO watch you pee, right?

Friday, October 31, 2014

Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Divine Canine Comedy (All Hallows' Eve Edition)

I've never read Dante's Divine Comedy (although, I'm pretty sure I was supposed to in 12th grade English class. I was in the Cliff's Notes "club" for much of my formative high school years, frankly, which probably explains a lot. But I digress). However, I do know that it's an allegorical poem about Dante's travels from Hell to Purgatory and then, finally, to Heaven. 

But since everyone knows that all dogs go straight to Heaven, it wouldn't really make sense for me to substitute Jon Farleigh and Dewi for Dante in some outrageous Halloween parody of his classic work, now would it?

No, it wouldn't. So, that is why I've inserted them into this ridiculous meme instead! 




From Dollar Tree:
Tablecloth : $4

Angel costume: $3.75
Devil costume: $2.75

Corgis in Furgatory: priceless ☺

(Don't you love how those horns are perfectly in line with Jon Farleigh's ears? hehe)



But hold on! Did you think I'd take 149 pictures and only post one? Well, not today, OK!

Here, have 17 more!





















By the way, is anyone surprised about who's wearing what costume?




 












Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Kitty Shita (an Unoriginal Ditty So Bad, You'll Want to Hide It From Small Children)

Because it's my blog, and I can.

Note: "Shita" is pronounced she-tah, like cheetah, or pita. In a sentence (using a bad Italian accent): I wonder whether the cheetah, who ate the pita, covers up her shita. 



By Patrick Bolduan from Tokyo, Japan (Outhouse) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons


This post (inspired earlier this week by my cats) is dedicated to all the living beings who poo indoors. Those who poo outdoors, or who are olfactorally (is that a word?) challenged, can feel free to make up their own ditty.


(As for the meter, if you were alive and hearing when you were seven, spent any time on an elementary school bus or playground, and know your way around a baseball diamond, you'll recognize it* in a flash.

FYI: I wanted to do this to the tune of the 80s rap hit Bust a Move, but who has that kind of time? Plus, the verse with "yellow" in it kept throwing me off-topic.)

Caution! The following words, when read in time, and in rapid succession, might trigger an earworm infestation in those who are susceptible. Proceed with caution.




Kitty Shita

I was walking through the door, when it (the stench) knocked me to the floor.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!



With horror in my eyes, I croaked, "OMG! Did something die?!"
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

What the frell could she have eaten, to make her turds so flocking stinkin'?
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!




There's irony in being fastidious, when your GI tract is so insidious.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

How can you be so tiny, and harbor demons in your hiney?
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

~~~~~

[insert 15-second pause for drum solo and break dancing...
...3, 2, 1...]


~~~~~

You dug a crater in which to deposit it, took a dump, but failed to cover it.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!




You might think it's stupid, but you don't have to scoop it.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!


Company's coming - they'll be here soon; spray Febreze in every room!
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!




And one more thing...


Should you be inclined to judge, I suggest you take a whiff of your own fudge.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

***

So, who wants some chocolate?! I have all kinds of it (Milk Duds, Whoppers, Hershey bars, Reese's...) waiting for the trick-or-treaters, and I'm sure I have some to spare! 



OK, maybe next time. 

* The name of the original ditty (author unknown), that we ALL sang in elementary school, is "Diarrhea." If you don't know it, message me privately and I'll get you the words. Hint: If you slide into home and feel a little foam, it's, well, you know

Guess what?! I googled "words that rhyme with diarrhea" today! ☺☺ (There are a butt load of them.)

Also, you might be interested to know that I had a few alternate titles for my ditty (all rhyming with diarrhea, of course):
<> Digested Chia
<> Brown Urea

<> Fudge Tortilla

Oh, and if the dogs had written a ditty on the same subject, it would've been called, "Somebody's Bakin' Cookies; Gotta Get 'Em While They're Warm!"

There would be no other words to their song. 

OK, that's all. Feel free to write your own verse to the ditty and leave it in comments! 


"Hey, did somebody say kitty shita?"

P.S. There might be a (highly unconventional) cat litter/box review in your future. Think of this as the prequel. 

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