Tuesday, August 19, 2014

5 Reasons Puggles are Totally Cooler than Corgis

Kolchak here. You know, Kolchak? The loveable puggle from Kol's Notes with a penchant for homemade dog treats, DIY/crafts and a secret evil plan? If you didn't catch yesterday's post from Disc Dog Mort from Dogthusiast, then you should probably check it out. Go now, it's important, I will wait. 

You back? Good.

That fool! Kelpies are so easy to trick. Let that be a lesson to you, pups. You don't want to tangle with the superior wits (and incredible good looks) of a puggle. All I had to do was suggested to Mort that he could have more discs and he was more than happy to do my dirty work, trapping the Dewi & Jon, distracting those insufferable c*ts with the nip and leaving my path to taking over the Chronicles of Cardigan clear. All I had to do was throw a disc and Mort was out of my way too.  
Not bad for a day's work. 

Look at these loveable goofballs. Kidnapped, crated behind bars and still smiling like fools. Corgis!
You guys seem pretty "cardi crazy" over here. Everytime I come over here it's pictures of corgis, stories about corgis, jokes about corgis. It's always CORGIS! CORGIS! CORGIS! Enough already! It's time for Chronicles of KOLCHAK. I'm the star of this blog now. It's going to be all puggles, all the time and you're going to like it. Capische?

So now, with no further ado, 5 Reasons Puggles are Totally Cooler than Corgis

While puggles and corgis have a whole lot in common (we're comical, sturdy and we shed like it's our job), there's also a whole lot that sets us apart. Puggles are totally awesome.

#1: We aren't all "fancy pants"

Apparently corgis can't just be corgis, oooooooh no! They've got to be all fancy with their "Welsh Cardigan this" and "Pembroke" that and all "We're so posh, we live with the queen". It all just seems like a lot of work and snobbery that bpils down to one thing: some corgis have tails and some don't. Yuck, who needs all that snobbery? I'm a puggle. 1/2-Pug, 1/2-Beagle. The best parts of two of America's favourite breeds. I'm everyman's dog. I'm a dog's dog. Nothing fancy. Nothing crazy. Not like those show-offy corgis. I mean, what does a corgi even NEED a tuxedo for?!

#2: We don't have "fluffy pants" either.

Have you ever seen a close up of a corgi's butt? WHAT IS WITH THOSE PANTS? (Or should I say pantaloons?) Why are they so weirdly fluffy and out of proportion with the rest of their bodies? Puggle butts aren't all weird like that. We have perfectly normal dog butts with muscles of steel, topped off by the perfect curly tail. See? SEE?! 

(Bonus: Watch this video, but while you do, imagine Sir-Mix-Alot is playing over the whole thing.*I like puggle butts and I can not lie.*)

#3: We aren't pushy, domineering brats.

Hey! That's not my being rude. That's a real thing that I read about corgis on a corgi website. Seems those fluffy little jerks can be a bit bossy sometimes. While puggles are often accused of being bossy, that's actually inaccurate. We're just self-assured, we know what we want and we are excellent at convincing our humans that what WE want is what THEY want. That's not domineering, that's just good business sense and this vacuum cleaner totally had it coming. Sometimes you have to put your appliances in their place.

#4: We don't have delusions of grandeur. 

I don't know where these corgis get their sense of importance?! I mean really?? 51 Corgi Gifs that will Change Your Life?  39 Smiling Corgis Who Will Inspire You? The 40 Most Important Corgis of 2013? WHO ARE THE CORGIS KIDDING HERE? What crazy person is running the corgi PR Machine? Someone needs to remind these fluffy little beasts that they are not the centre of the Universe. Puggles aren't like that. We don't have articles declaring that mere pictures of us will change your life and help you lose 15 lbs. because that is ridiculous. We don't need the whole world to love us. We aren't trying to be the latest internet craze. Puggles are just chillin' like a villain with their peeps and being awesome. Ain't nobody got time for this celebrity0dog nonsense.

#5: We're smart as woof.

Can I just say that a puggle would never get trapped in their crate by a disc-obsessed kelpie and an evil genius? We are killer smart and given enough treats, you can teach us to do almost anything. I mean, can you imagine a corgi doing this? COULD a corgi even do that with their weird, squat little half-legs? I doubt it. I don't even know how they get around on those pegs. It just looks awkward. I digress though, I was saying that puggles are smart. Almost too smart. A puggle could out smart you, if you're not careful and then where would you be? It really is best to stay on a puggle's good side or you could fine your site hacked and find a shrine erected to the honour of the most handsome puggle who ever walk the Earth. This guy:

Why do you think puggles are better than corgis? 

Leave your opinion in the comments AND WATCH OUT. In my quest for world wide web domination, your blog could be next.

Monday, August 18, 2014

This site was hacked! Well, almost...by a Kelpie mix named Mort.

This is a guest post by Jen deHaan from DOGthusiast.com

Because the amazing author of Chronicles of Cardigan is away on vacation, I am here to tell you how this blog almost became HACKED.

That’s right... hacked. So how did this almost happen? Let’s go back a bit, and I'll tell you a little story about a dog obsessed by discs who had his ultimate plan foiled by a puggle.

It was a calm day, to begin with. That was until the corgis were locked up by a certain Kelpie mix called Mort. He may have had a bit of help, or used magic to get those cute bundles of fur locked up, but the point is that the corgis were relegated to their crates so their website could be hijacked in the most tragic of proportions.

You see, Mort had a plan. And his plan was this. You might not know him too well, but he is a disc addict. In fact, he makes his human sew and make decals to support this habit. But making her do so didn’t net him enough discs (I guess she doesn't sew or decal fast enough), so he thought to take matters into his own paws.

He decided he would create an online resource for other disc addicts like himself, where he could provide videos of dogs catching discs, and perhaps other thrown objects. And he’d charge per view. And watch them himself, in dimly lit rooms.

Mort thought he would make MILLIONS and take over the world! DISC DISRUPTION! But most importantly, be able to purchase more discs and maybe bribe his human to take him to the park more.

So off Mort went to Chronicles of Cardigan Headquarters, with it’s decreased security levels, to procure a website of his very own. A website with many lovely followers already who may appreciate a tossed toy or two. Perhaps even pay to watch it over and over again.

The corgis were detained, and Mort went to town on modifying the website and uploading his disc videos and adding affiliate programs and PPC advertising for the brand new hijacked website. A site that might appeal to the masses. A site that would take over the world so he could purchase more plastic.

But oh no. No this plan was about to be thwarted. Just as Mort was about to upload his modifications there was a presence at the door…

It’s KOLCHAK PUGGLE TO THE RESCUE! And how, pray tell, did Mort get thwarted by this puggle? Well it was simple. Koly threw a disc for him.

And Mort took off to fetch it. Single track mind, my friends. Single track mind.

About the Author:

Jen deHaan is graphic designer, small business owner, and dog person living in Bay Area, California who regularly blogs at DOGthusiast.com. Jen enjoys learning about dog training and behavior, and has taken several courses and seminars on it since 2010. It all started with a great dog called Mikey (aka "dude"), loved and lost but remembered forever. Jen also runs a freelance business focusing on graphic, web, and UI design at FoundPixel (doing stuff better than these rough sketches!), and operates a small business creating hand crafted dog products called Stylish Canine.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

The Preemptive Post to Assure You Chronicles of Cardigan Has Not Been Canceled

Not canceled. On a two-week hiatus, beginning August 11.

The writer will be on vacation. The actors (at least the two canines, who receive payment directly from me -- in the form of delicious food and occasional "business" travel to "exotic" locations, like Cardi parties and dog-friendly festivals), well, they'll be having a different sort of adventure, at home, with the family members who would rather sit at home than go on a vacation with me. [insert me being as baffled as you are ☺]

Anyway, the blog is gonna be quiet for a few more consecutive days than is typical. The places I'm going are not work-friendly. In other words, there will be no work (which includes anything tied to a keyboard). It's been a long, looong time coming.

However, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE BLOG! Although it'll be as quiet as an uninhabited house, it'll be left in perfectly capable paws: JON FARLEIGH and DEWI'S! And the boys have proven - on several occasions - to have sound watch dog instincts, as illustrated below.

Would you enter this house?

How about now?

Note: Cuteness can be deceptive.

Sometimes, even, a cat will step in as back-up.

Which technically means they passively supervise.

In particularly harrowing circumstances, though, the cats have the training to go it alone.

Heaven help the poor chap who tries to raid my blog, should it come down to this.

Oh, and in case any of you remember waaay back to that ONE TIME, when the dogs sneaked onto my blog in the night and changed some stuff around...

...well, I can assure you that won't happen again. They know better.

I video taped them being caught in the act.

How shameful. 

So, yes indeed, friends, I'm confident everything will be just as I left it upon my return in a couple weeks! I'll see you all on the other side, OK? Be good!

P.S. I have 608 published posts in this blog's archives. That means, if you'd like to read something, or see some adorable pet photos, you needn't wait for my return. 

P.P.S. You might see me on Twitter and/or Instagram and/or Tumblr, during the hiatus, but rarely, and maybe not until the second week. I don't include pressing my phone's keypad as work. Not all the time, anyway. ☺

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Re-gifted Tacky Cardigan: How Corgis Herd (as Illustrated by a Dumb@ss)

But first:

<> The diagrams that follow have previously (in 2012) been published on this blog. They were tacky then too, hence, the "re-gifting." And while I'm being honest, I wouldn't be the least bit offended if you went and re-gifted  them again (and so on). They can be like an infinity gift!
<> And, by dumb@ss, I don't mean this guy:

Because, despite his needing major orthodontia, I'd bet he's smarter than someone's honor student. Somewhere. Also, I heart donkeys a lot.

No, I mean this person (who's been posterized in PicMonkey to make her blotches and extra folds less noticeable):

OH MY GOSH! YOU GUYS! I just realized the name "HEE-HAW" (as in the old TV show) is a euphemism for "Dumb@sses"! 

Of course! It makes perfect sense! They couldn't very well have called it the "Dumb@ss" show! It was their own private joke! Hee-haw! Hee-haw! (Note: I watched Hee-Haw before I ever heard of the word "dumb@ss," okay? I think Bart Simpson might have introduced me to that one.)


So, since I started the week off on a herding note, I thought it might be fun to revisit a couple highly scientific diagrams I made of the dogs performing a herding demo in my back yard. Except, I don't have any barn animals for them to herd, so I substituted Youngest Child. Don't worry, it was his idea he was happy to help. Plus, no one would ever recognize him under that scary foam sheep mask I got at Target.

So in this first example, I've tried to illustrate how Jon Farleigh and Dewi (although both Cardigan Welsh Corgis, in this completely absurd scenario only*) have contrasting herding styles.

* Jon Farleigh isn't always this enlightened

And then here, I've illustrated why (when driving cattle, vs. herding sheep) corgis need to have short legs.

Seriously, y'all. They might have looked like hobbits with chicken legs, but those first corgis were total bad@sses! (Why do we have so many slang words with the suffix @ss? It's like we're obsessed with butts or something. I should research that and report back...)

Well, have you learned anything?! Gosh, I hope so! Feel free to share! I won't tell anyone I gifted the information to you twice already! ☺

If you'd like me to consider a photo of your pet(s) for a tacky cardigan, just post it to the Facebook or Tumblr page!


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