Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Epic, Classic Cardigan: Did you know I wrote a pet-parody of Bohemian Rhapsody AND Wayne's World? Here it is.

I will never forget that sunny Saturday afternoon - sitting at my kitchen table - when I finished writing these lyrics. They had been days and countless re-writes in the making, and before that, the cause of MONTHS of angst-producing thought-percolation in my head.

When the last word was on paper (I wrote the whole thing long-hand), I just remember dropping my pen, running to find my husband and reading him the whole silly song. While at the same time, trying - in my quiet voice - to keep the lyrics' emotion and emphasis true to Mercury's original (wasn't even close, but that's OK).

My husband (who, frankly, had hardly ever read my pet humor, much less heard me read it aloud) just looked at me and smiled. I felt like a rockstar.

The piece was (and still is), creatively, the hardest thing I have ever produced for this virtual space, maybe ever. It's my epic rock ballad of dog-blog parodies.

And now, two years later, I give it to you afresh (and slightly revised). It still makes me feel like a rockstar. And I sure hope it makes you smile! ☺


Dwayne's World Presents: Bohemian Dog Rhapsody (a song parody)

In case you aren't aware (and most of you won't be), I used to employ Dwayne (pictured above) on the blog as a roving tabloid reporter (of sorts). Here's his job experience. He was pretty good, if you ask me. But a while back - rumor has it - he went on a reporting sabbatical in the Chihuahuan Desert, and after that, well, word was he hooked up with some frizzy red-headed guy named Darth. And the two of them? Well, they got into this retro, public-access TV thing (as in: they had their own show called Dwayne's World - consisting mostly of a bunch of mindless blather and music videos). 

Yeah, I wasn't buying any of that malarkey, either (who does public-access TV anymore?). But then - out of the clear blue sky - I heard from Dwayne himself. And he told me it was all true. Then he sent me something for all of you (sort of a belated adios-and-have-a-nice-life e-card). I think you'll like it. 

Such a talent, that Dwayne. Gosh, I miss him!


 Dwayne's World presents...

You'll laugh. You might cry. But, please, don't hurl; it's unbecoming.

Bohemian Dog Rhapsody

by Knave
(Queen canine cover band)

Tip: Click the PLAY button on the player below for the instrumental/karaoke track, so you can sing along! DO IT! ☺

♪♫♪♫ Is this my life?
It seems such a tragedy. 
Caught in a warped mind.
No escape from this parody.
Open your eyes.
It's just make believe, you see?
I'm just a red boy, from a red family.

And I am easy come, easy go
Never high, always low
Any way the wind blows, it's just passing gas to me.


Mama, just licked a (small) man.

Put my tongue upon his head
Dragged it hither, now he's wet.
Mama, I had just begun
But he squealed, and then he shoved my head away.
Mama, ooooh

Didn't mean to get his eye
But it'll dry, and if not, I'll need to borrow...
The ShamWow, the ShamWow
As if slobber really matters.


I see a boy who stacks legos with his hands.
Wants a pooch; wants a pooch
Have you tried the Petango?
Thunderbolt and lightning, pups might find it frightening
Try these (thundershirts - not an endorsement).

Galileo! Galileo! Galileo!




But I'm just a red boy and everybody loves me.
He's just a red boy, from a red family.

Spare him his pride from this blog malady.
Easy come, easy go - will you let him go?
Pepto Bismol! No - she will not let him go - let him go!
Pepto Bismol! She will not let him go - let him go!
(blah blah blah)
Never let me go - let me go!
Never let me go - oooh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh, mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go.

The peeps at PetHub.com have a web page set aside for me.
For me.
For meeeeee!

(Hint: click image to crank up the volume!)

So you think you can make me a frat boy who smells pie?
Wrap bacon round my neck then leave me high and dry?

I Smelta Pie

Oh, baby, you must me bat-$#*t crazy!
I just gotta get out, just gotta get up outta here!


Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
As if slobber really matters
Really, can't you see?
Slobber doesn't matter to me.

♪♫♪♫ Any way the wind blows...

The End


Pure genius, it is (the video, and Jim Henson)!


P.S. Dwayne's World isn't really real; neither is Wayne's World


If you could turn a song into a parody about your pet, which song would you choose? 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

(Besides the Obvious) 5 Reasons I'm Happy to to Be Home From the BlogPaws Conference

For the most part, conferences (especially when they're in popular vacation spots, like Las Vegas and Nashville, for example) are fun. So much fun, in fact, that I need about three days to recover after returning home. 

(Note: Recover = sleep and minimal mental exertion = for example, {to child} "No, I can't drive you to X place at 8 a.m." and {to husband} "Sorry, but am I going to have to actually get up, get dressed and talk to the irrigation people when they get here? Or will they just remember what you told them on the phone, do all the work and leave quietly?")

The good news is that it's been three days since I returned home from the BlogPaws Pet Blogger and Social Media conference in Nashville, TN, so I'm refreshed and raring to put to use some of the many things I learned! The bad news? I have to deep clean my whole house in preparation for events surrounding my daughter's graduation from high school this weekend, so those ambitions will have to wait until next week. (Also, yes, I am aware that it's almost Friday, which doesn't give me a lot of time for chores. Let's just say the "deep" in "deep clean" is relative.☺)

That's me, walking the red carpet before the BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards gala. My blog was a finalist in two categories: Best Blog Design and Best Humor Blog. I did not win.**  I was, however, awarded a certificate of excellence for my blog's About page.
image courtesy BlogPaws and bybecka.com

Here is the full, live-streamed Nose-to-Nose Awards ceremony, if you care to see it. The video will start (I'm sorry, I'm just so thrilled my little blog was mentioned, I had to cut it right to the chase!) where the Best (pet blog) About Page is announced.

But back to BlogPaws for a bit: Holy dog and cat, what a flipping good time! There is so much I could say about the learning (in acclaimed author and Vietnam veteran, Lon Hodge, aka "Mr. Gander's" creative writing session, titled, The Raccoons Stole My Peanut Butter; award-winning writer and blogger, Maggie Marton's authenticity in writing session; and the Web-building genius, Jill Caren's advanced SEO session, just to name a few places). But, I won't - because I'd bore you and you'd leave, and I don't want you to leave because I have an important list for you to read. (In only 3.5 more minutes, I promise!)

And, don't even get me started on the fantastic people (I can't name them all, so I won't even try. If I talked to you at the conference, consider yourself included. Except for that one person who looked at me like I was a five-headed alien...KIDDING! No one looked me that way {not to my face, anyway})! ☺ 

Then there were all the pets...oh my gosh, SO many (besides my own, who were chilling at home)! Here's just a small sample (shot with my cell phone). 

So this is Adorable Sleeping Foster Kitten (I don't know his real name, nor who was holding him, because I was running. If someone else knows, please let me know in comments so I can correct!)

And here we have the lovely (and terribly modest) Luna and her mama, Jessica S. (fellow Virginians, I will add), from the budget-conscious and DIY dog-blog, Beagles and Bargains

(Nope, I am not sh^tting you.☺) Any Instagram-ers out there? If so, you might recognise Priscilla here! She and her bro, Poppleton (who is smooshed down in the stroller beside her), the mini-pigs are BIG Instagram stars, with nearly half a MILLION followers! (@prissy_pig) (I still can't believe I saw these two at the conference.)
And last, but not least, for Corgi Nation...

This is the lovely Eve Corgi Coulter (aka "VP of Princessology"), who, along with her brother, Ty Coulter, are the stars of the popular blog and Facebook page, Corgilicious! (Miss Eve was the ONLY corgi at the conference, and meeting her made my whole day!)

Y'all, this was my fourth BlogPaws conference, and let me tell you, it takes massive will-power (and practice, I've learned) to get anything "serious" accomplished with all the critters running around! And they are all so well-behaved!

Do you wanna know a secret? I started pining for Jon Farleigh, Dewi and (most of) my cats by the second night. Yep. Turns out it's hard for me to sleep un-cramped in a queen bed, in relative silence (relative to the humming of the kitchen exhaust fan, just beyond the balcony). So even though I had a wonderful time in Nashville (including getting out on the town for a day), it was really good to get home to my furry family (and, I suppose, the un-furry family, too). ☺

That's not all. I've realized, this week, a few other (less-obvious) reasons I'm happy to be home, too. Perhaps you can relate. 

5 Less-Obvious Reasons I'm Happy to Be Home From the BlogPaws Conference

1. No more loneliness in the bathroom! Seriously. I never know how much I appreciate furry potty-time companionship until I'm without it for a stretch. 

2. (And speaking of potty-time...) REGULARITY! As in, it's back! (Can someone please tell me what it is about not being able to go when one is away from home? Especially when one has a roommate? I mean, it's not like (in my own experience) I eat any less, or fewer fiber-rich foods (I might even eat more fiber), or that I'm actively trying to will off the urge for several days straight - it just simply DOES NOT HAPPEN. But when I'm home? {hurry! insert mental image of baby foxes in a hollowed out log, to cancel out the other...image of a baby panda in a bamboo thicket!}

3. Less-than-casual Fridays are back! OK, less-than-casual ALL the days! (Less-than-casual = pajamas or too-embarrassing-for-even-the-grocery-store sweats. Oh, and no makeup.) Hoorah!

4. (Here's one that many of us probably take for granted...) I'm the best blogger in the room! (I'm just saying, there should be an award for that. And if you're NOT a blogger? Well, just insert whatever it is that you ARE: freelance writer, mom, bookkeeper, painter, 900# phone operator, WHATEVER! If you're the only one in the room, you're the BEST! ☺

5. And, finally (this one is pretty confined to my personal situation, I have to say), 99.42% confidence (after all the learning I did in the advanced SEO class at BlogPaws) that NO ONE is going to find this blog post through a Google search! (.58% of me is still hopeful that someone will look up "SHY BOWELS WHEN AWAY FROM HOME + BLOGPAWS," because then, I win! Woo!) 

And to Dorothy...you were right: There's no place like home! (♪♪ Dun dun dun dun dun...dun dun dun! ♪♪)

OK, what did I leave off the list, you guys? Anything? Did you go to BlogPaws (or any other conference, ever)? Why are you glad to be home?

* BlogPaws '16 is going to be in Phoenix, AZ! Will you be there, too? 

** The Nose-to-Nose award for Best Blog Design went to Jessica W. and You Did What With Your Wiener. The award for Best Pet Humor Blog went to Jennifer C. and My Brown Newfies & Me. If you haven't already, check them out!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Common Sayings Taken the Wrong Way: Pet Peeve

Have you ever sat down and thought about all the sayings we American English-speakers use that if taken literally (or even just the wrong way), could make a person unversed in the vernacular, wonder how hard we must have hit our heads when we fell off the turnip truck? I mean, why we say such nonsense?

Well, I do. And, to tell you the truth, I can't believe how many sayings I use that flat-out don't make any sense. And worse, if someone pressed me about why I say them, or where the expressions originated, I'd just have to stand there scratching my head. (Like, how do I know? I wasn't born back then!) Think about it. Isn't it weird? How we do this all day, and never stop to question the sensibility of the words coming out of our mouths? Or whether there's a different way of saying what we mean?

Like how, for example, do I "fly by the seat of my pants" to go anywhere? I mean, what does that even mean - fly by the seat of my pants? Because the image I'm getting is that of an invisible hook in the sky that dangles people by the belt loops, and then, whirls them around like Dumbo's on a Disney theme park ride. But, what happens after that? When the "newbie" gets more seasoned at whatever the heck it is they're doing? Does a flying carpet whiz in and take over? Then maybe a hang-glider? Until, finally, they've mastered the thing and get to ride in a plane, only to willingly jump out with nothing but a parachute to break their fall back to the hard ground? NOPE! NOT ME! I'd just assume not ever do anything remotely new and difficult again!

Fly by the seat of my pants, huh. What a stupid thing to do!

I'm no Dumb-o! Just leave me on the ground, thanks!
via insidethemagic.net

{Insert pause here. Count off: one second, two seconds, three seconds, four seconds...}

I'm sure I was trying to make a point with all that blather...oh yes! Pet peeve*! Have you ever wondered why exactly we use those specific words for this particular thing we're trying to convey? Like, why "pet" and why "peeve"? So, OK. I know a peeve is something annoying, but why do we, then, call the MOST annoying thing possible to us, our PET? Isn't that another way of saying it's our favorite, or worse, most beloved annoying thing? But, that doesn't even make sense! How freaking annoying!

* Grammar nerds may click here and/or here for the definition of "pet peeve" and here and/or here for its origin/etymology. (By the way, the experts can't even completely agree on this "pet peeve" stuff. So, tell me, how the heck are we commoners supposed to explain what it means to someone who doesn't speak English as a first language?! Also, why do dogs dig to China? And, why have I, on purpose, just bunched up my own panties? Don't answer that!☺)


Alright. So, I've established that "pet peeve" is a weird combination of words. Hold on to that thought for a minute...

A couple weeks ago, I decided to scoop up Jon Farleigh (he's 37 lbs.-light) and dance around the kitchen (it was Mother's Day weekend and I was feeling extra happy**; haven't you ever spontaneously grabbed your pet for a dance?). One of my kids grudgingly took some pictures. Yes, she did, and, it turns out - from her vantage point - Jon wasn't feeling the joy quite as much as I was. (Though, to me, the back of his head sure did look adorable - bobbing up and down to the beat.) I'm not sure what he was feeling, truthfully, but when I saw this particular photo, just two words sprang to mind.

Now, this? This definition of "pet peeve," I can explain.  ☺

What's your most beloved annoying expression? Have you even thought about it before today? Does your dog or cat like to dance with you? (Don't lie. hehe)

** I was extra happy, listening to this LunchMoney Lewis tune my kids found for me. I dare you not to dance. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

This Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words Wednesday: A Red Dog Lying Alone on the Floor

Here's the picture:

Think you can guess the 1,000 (give or take)-word backstory?

How about a hint (or 18)?

Well? Can you guess the words, now? (Poor Jon Farleigh; he's always drawing the short {and narrow} straw!)☺

Have you ever seen such afflicted dog expressions? Do you have pets who jockey for the same chair or bed or blanket? Who wins?

Note: Photos were previously published in 2011.


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