Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Classic Cardigan: How to Make 'Lemons' When Your Dog's Poop Looks Like Lemonade (and Other 'Bad' Things)

  • The first time I wrote this, I was exactly three years younger, but no wiser.
  • I do not buy the whole "life gives you lemons" metaphor. I mean, who said lemons are so bad? They were wrong. Lemons are good. Lemonade is fattening and can make one's teeth rot (if not consumed in moderation).
  • My life is exactly the same as it was in 2012.
  • I promise not to mention the word "lemonade" again, in the same sentence with the words "dog" nor "poop," for the rest of this post.  

Originally published March 23, 2012...

Exploding Dog Butts and Ill-Fitting Clothes - An Experiment in Looking on the Bright Side

My day could conceivably have gone two ways today: crappy or awesome.

Crappy attitude?

Okay, well, if I'm speaking in literal terms, so far, there's been lots of crap. But I'm not speaking in literal terms...just yet.

So because it's Friday, and I LOVE Fridays, I thought it would be fun to list all the crappy things that have happened in my house so far today and then for each crappy thing, come up with a way for me to look on the bright side. 

So, for example, if my bedroom smoke detector had started chirping at 2 a.m., forcing a middle-of-the-night battery replacement and minor sleep disturbance, I would argue that on the bright side, my family would not have burned up in a potential 3 a.m. house fire. 

Pretty simple, yes?

Okay, here we go...

Crappy Thing (CT): Jon Farleigh broke out of his crate at 2:50 a.m. because he had to go RIGHT THEN.
On the Bright Side (OtBS): He didn't go in his crate.

CT: I didn't get back to sleep until approx. 4:15 a.m.
OtBS: I watched a TV war documentary (on the Smithsonian Channel) and in comparison, my problems seemed petty.

CT: JF's crate had a pile of poop in it when he came out of it this morning.
OtBS: It was still in one neat pile and only touching the hard crate floor (making clean-up easy).

CT: After coming in from being walked (by Middle Child - who told me JF had NOT done #2 outside), I discovered JF's back end was a big nasty mess, so (while 2 of my kids were trying not to miss the school bus) I had to give him a bath (with kiwi-scented shampoo).
OtBS: He didn't have a chance to smear his poopy butt all over the carpet or upholstery. The kids still made their buses, proving I can do several things at one time when pressed.

Positive outlook?
CT: About 15 minutes after his bath, JF (smiling and with a spring in his step) sneaked out of the kitchen, pooped in the family room and tracked it back into the kitchen. And I had to give him a second (butt- and foot-only) bath.
OtBS: His butt hadn't been that clean and sweet-smelling since infancy. Also, I got to do a load of towels.

(Note: JF is okay; he just ate something disagreeable.) 

Look how curly his fur gets after a bath!

CT: JF didn't get his breakfast, except for a teaspoonful each of mashed pumpkin and plain Greek yogurt.
OtBS: BOTH dogs got to eat yummy pumpkin and yogurt. (Note: JF didn't poop again for 3 hours after eating, and did not require a third bath.)

CT: My summer wardrobe shrank a half-size over the winter (despite my pleading to "please still fit!" when I pulled my pants on this morning).
OtBS: I get to go shopping? (Okay, not.) My tight waistband is making me not want to eat? (Not really, it just hurts.) I get to spend more time outside (not sitting) with the dogs (and/or family)?  Yep! (But would someone please hide the grill...)

In summary: My day was awesome because:
  • I'm not a statistic in a war documentary.
  • Jon Farleigh's crate and butt are squeaky clean.
  • My dogs got to eat something yummy and wholesome.
  • I can multitask.
  • I have clean towels.
  • I have an excuse to go outside and play. 
Hope you all are having awesome days, too! :)

UPDATE 8:34 p.m.: Because I was scrambling to get this post finished and not paying enough attention to my family's dinner sizzling on the outdoor grill, I have another CT to add to the list:

CT: My hamburgers got burned to briquettes in a grease fire. Oh yes, friends, they did.

No lighter fluid required.
OtBS: I saw a Bald Eagle while driving back from the grocery store (because I had to go out and buy more beef). I had time to prune some plants in the garden while I was outside (not writing this post) supervising the grill. And it turns out, there was enough good cooked meat inside those black rocks to scrape out and add to Jon Farleigh's bland dinner (and breakfast tomorrow). Furthermore, if he could talk (thank heaven he can't, but if he could) he'd probably tell me he likes his meals better after a butt explosion than when he's regular. 
(Shhhhh. He's been explosion-free since early afternoon.) ☺

I think I need some chocolate ice cream...


Have a lemony day, all!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

A Corgi Limerick for Ye: Out-of-Retirement, Kissing Fools Edition

This post has been sponsored, in part, by the letters C (for Cardigan & Corgi) and W (for Welsh), and by our friends at Merrick Pet Care (for providing the nudge to bring the limericks out of retirement, and for the "traditional" Irish food service for Jon Farleigh and Dewi during the photo shoot). 


Here have ye two corgis with tails.
From Ireland they're pretendin' to hail.
When truth-tellin' they ought
Their tomfoolery for naught
Since Saint Patrick was rightly from Wales*.


The real mystery now being: Was he a Cardigan or a Pembroke?
I suppose that would depend entirely on whether he wore button-up sweaters. (wink) (Also, he was neither a Cardigan nor a Pembroke. So, no arguing!)

* St. Patrick was born in Roman-occupied Great Britain in the Fourth Century. Although it's unknown for sure which part, some historians cite that it was likely in the area that became Wales (vs. England or Scotland). (And I needed the limerick to rhyme, so Wales is my final answer!)

Also, I am aware that Jon Farleigh and Dewi did not choose to be tomfools in tacky green headbands. Therefore, the joke is, in fact, on me. 

Good thing it was all an act, right?!

Well, the boys going leprechaun-y for the Merrick Kiss Me I'm Irish seasonal Spring recipe** dog food wasn't an act. 

Oops! Probably shouldn't've left that can unattended! ☺

Note: I do not feed my cats dog food, OK? Tigger's a carnivore and there was a can o'beef in her face. 
Second note: Merrick makes cat food too. 
Third note: I let the dogs lick the cat food bowls after the cats are done eating. Every day.

** Kiss Me I'm Irish Stew is only one of four Merrick seasonal spring recipes. Look for it plus Mardi Gras Mash, Spring Training Supper and Easter Brunch at your local or online Merrick retailer.

Bonus for staying this long: these adorable pics from a previous St. Paddy's Day post!

Jon Farleigh was a pot o'gold under the rainbow. ♥
Dewi was a leprechaun. ♥
The cat (Bertie) was a photo-bomber. ♥

Hey, I have an idea! Why not browse through our whole collection of adorable corgi-laced St. Paddy's Day posts while you're at it! 

(No, really. How can one go wrong looking at magical Irish corgis set to limericks and tacky prose on a day like today?)

Friday, March 6, 2015

Talking About Awards Can Be Precarious, Don't You Think?

Feel free to award it to yourself for being awesome!
(Or not. It's butt kind of ugly, if I say so myself.)
Notably, when one is talking about them in relation to one's self, as in one is either a) campaigning for one, b) in the running for one, or c) just won one. Why? Because in doing so, one runs the risk of coming across as a puffed up blowfish, who when squeezed, it turns out, is full of nothing but sardine-scented hot air.*

* Yes, I know there's no air under water. I also know that sea sponges don't wear pants and flip burgers for crustacean restaurant owners.

So anyway, what I'm trying to say, delicately, is that I need to talk about awards for a bit. My own. And, I've decided I'm not holding anything back, despite how big and fat I look with all that fish air inside me. I've also decided to write the rest of this post in French.** (So not kidding.) But don't worry, if you must know what I'm saying (in your probable native English), and the accompanying images don't give it away, I've installed a handy Google translator widget (at the bottom of this post). Just click it.

Thank you. Also, I ♥ you. ☺

DIS DONC, vous tous! Je suis totalement finaliste pour DEUX BlogPaws 2015 Animaux Blogs et Les Médias Sociaux Prix Nez-à-Nez! On aurait soufflé mon esprit seul, mais deux? Et je n'ai pas moi-même propose la candidature (comme je aurais pu le faire une ou deux fois avant)! Quelqu'un d'autre m'a nommé, et je suis tellement reconnaissante! Mais attendez! Voici les catégories!

Best Pet Blog Conception et Best Pet Humour Blog! Dis donc!

Je suis totalement dit Debbie G. (aka Glogirly, qui m'a doué avec cette conception de blog douce. OK, peut-être ce ne était pas un cadeau cadeau. Je veux dire, elle est douée, mais je ne l'ai payer pour cela). Que si je gagne, je vais avoir besoin d'elle pour faire le discours! Je ne pense pas qu'elle pensait que je étais sérieux!

Et d'être reconnu Comme finaliste Dans HUMOUR?! Je ne pouvais tout simplement éclater dès la sortie de mon jean! (Si je suis honnête, la taille is juin sorte de coupe dans mon estomac maintenant.) Ou chanter!

♪♪♪ La pluie en Espagne reste principalement dans la plaine. La pluie en Espagne reste principalement dans la plaine.

Sur la plaine! Sur la plaine! En ESPAGNE! En ESPAGNE! ♪♫♪

(Remarque: le verset aléatoire de la comédie musicale My Fair Lady.)

Vous, les gars! Et les gens dans les catégories avec qui je suis nominé sont tellement talentueux! Leurs blogs air si bon! (Si vous cliquez sur l'image plus grande de BlogPaws, vous verrez la liste complète des finalistes.) Je ne peux même pas croire que ça arrive! Je pourrais monter cette haute l'an prochain!

Tu? Une finaliste? Dis donc!

Il y aura une cérémonie rouge de tapis à la conférence BlogPaws à Nashville le 30 mai, où les gagnants seront annoncés. Je serai celui dont le visage est obstruée par le sac de papier brun, elle respire dans. Dans le hall comme le lion lâche d'Oz!

Peu importe ce qui se passe là-bas, même si, je dois vous dire que d'apprendre à utiliser ce moyen non seulement comme un exutoire créatif, mais pour faire avancer la cause des animaux de compagnie - se il se agit de sauvetage ou tout simplement la joie plaine de les avoir autour de - et d'avoir rencontré tous les gens incroyables que je ai le long du chemin, est à peu près plus que je ne aurais jamais pu rêvé pour moi! Merci pour votre soutien! Et si vous êtes en train de lire cela en anglais, pour votre sportif exemplaire!

Bonne chance à tous les finalistes dans chaque catégorie!

** Je l'ai écrit en anglais d'abord, et utilisé Google pour traduire en français, OK? Mes capacités français-écriture sont limitées à des peines de trois mots à un niveau préscolaire.
*** L'outil se traduit littéralement, mot pour mot; par conséquent, certains de leurs significations pourraient être perdus.
**** Si votre langue maternelle est le français, ou vous parlez couramment, vous savez ce que je veux dire! Whoops!

UPDATE 12:42 a.m. ET, 3/7: OMG! If you use that translator down there, be prepared to either laugh your A off, or be dumbstruck, depending on your mood. (As it so happens, I laughed. Because translated, it's like me, only with seriously bad, broken English {Borat}.) If you'd like me to translate anything further (Glogirly, ahem) just ask! Oh yeah, and "dis donc" means "I'll be darned!" or "You don't say!" It has no literal English translation. (My gosh, no wonder English is so hard to learn!)


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Classic Cardigan Twofer: The Stupid, Rotten, Very Bad, Humiliating Life Lessons My Dogs Once Learned

Some things a dog only needs to experience once. Here are two separate accounts of such things - one each for Jon Farleigh and Dewi.
(Note: The number of lessons that preceded and followed these particular examples is greater than my patience for writing them down. Let's just say, they're well-educated.)

Originally published on 7/5/11 and 10/4/11, respectively (gasp, they were just babies then!)...

Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way by Dewi - Fruity Soap

The night before last, while I was milling around in the master bathroom, I heard The Hubby exclaim (in the dog version of his "what have you gotten into now" voice)...

The Hubby"Boys, what have you gotten into now!?"

[cue slight groan as human lowers himself to carpet and slithers halfway under king size bed]


 Me [with dread]: "Yeah?"

[cue slight groan as human slithers out from under bed and stands up using only three limbs]

The Hubby (now standing in bathroom with outstretched arm and "how the heck did they get this?" look on his face): 
"How the heck did they get this?!

(Meanwhile, Dewi is smacking his lips - as if he has peanut butter smeared on the roof of his mouth - with an ever-so-slight dollop of suds trailing down his left jowl.)

This is the part where I turn the blog over to Dewi and let him tell his story - in pictures.

I am not laughing, but my people seem to think this is funny. P'shah.

You dogs, pay close attention!

Any questions?

No dogs were physically harmed during the original incident nor during the making of this blog post. The soap, however, needed a thorough rinsing due to dog slobber contamination. Oh yeah, and Dewi swiped the soap out of the walk-in shower when I had my back turned.

Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way by Jon Farleigh - Ingesting Hair

Jon Farleigh swallowed some of his own hair (never mind how I know this), which, this afternoon, led to a series of unfortunate events. 

At this time, Jon Farleigh will take over the blog and tell the story in his own words (okay, mostly pictures).

Hairy dogs, pay attention!

If you eat some hair and get that "not-so-fresh" feeling, DO NOT use this...


...when you should be using this...
...or else the Mom person will use these...

Any questions?

Please leave me now.


Well? What sorts of life lessons have your pets learned?


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