Thursday, May 21, 2015

Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Common Sayings Taken the Wrong Way: Pet Peeve

Have you ever sat down and thought about all the sayings we American English-speakers use that if taken literally (or even just the wrong way), could make a person unversed in the vernacular, wonder how hard we must have hit our heads when we fell off the turnip truck? I mean, why we say such nonsense?

Well, I do. And, to tell you the truth, I can't believe how many sayings I use that flat-out don't make any sense. And worse, if someone pressed me about why I say them, or where the expressions originated, I'd just have to stand there scratching my head. (Like, how do I know? I wasn't born back then!) Think about it. Isn't it weird? How we do this all day, and never stop to question the sensibility of the words coming out of our mouths? Or whether there's a different way of saying what we mean?

Like how, for example, do I "fly by the seat of my pants" to go anywhere? I mean, what does that even mean - fly by the seat of my pants? Because the image I'm getting is that of an invisible hook in the sky that dangles people by the belt loops, and then, whirls them around like Dumbo's on a Disney theme park ride. But, what happens after that? When the "newbie" gets more seasoned at whatever the heck it is they're doing? Does a flying carpet whiz in and take over? Then maybe a hang-glider? Until, finally, they've mastered the thing and get to ride in a plane, only to willingly jump out with nothing but a parachute to break their fall back to the hard ground? NOPE! NOT ME! I'd just assume not ever do anything remotely new and difficult again!

Fly by the seat of my pants, huh. What a stupid thing to do!


I'm no Dumb-o! Just leave me on the ground, thanks!
via insidethemagic.net

{Insert pause here. Count off: one second, two seconds, three seconds, four seconds...}

I'm sure I was trying to make a point with all that blather...oh yes! Pet peeve*! Have you ever wondered why exactly we use those specific words for this particular thing we're trying to convey? Like, why "pet" and why "peeve"? So, OK. I know a peeve is something annoying, but why do we, then, call the MOST annoying thing possible to us, our PET? Isn't that another way of saying it's our favorite, or worse, most beloved annoying thing? But, that doesn't even make sense! How freaking annoying!

* Grammar nerds may click here and/or here for the definition of "pet peeve" and here and/or here for its origin/etymology. (By the way, the experts can't even completely agree on this "pet peeve" stuff. So, tell me, how the heck are we commoners supposed to explain what it means to someone who doesn't speak English as a first language?! Also, why do dogs dig to China? And, why have I, on purpose, just bunched up my own panties? Don't answer that!☺)

AHEM

Alright. So, I've established that "pet peeve" is a weird combination of words. Hold on to that thought for a minute...

A couple weeks ago, I decided to scoop up Jon Farleigh (he's 37 lbs.-light) and dance around the kitchen (it was Mother's Day weekend and I was feeling extra happy**; haven't you ever spontaneously grabbed your pet for a dance?). One of my kids grudgingly took some pictures. Yes, she did, and, it turns out - from her vantage point - Jon wasn't feeling the joy quite as much as I was. (Though, to me, the back of his head sure did look adorable - bobbing up and down to the beat.) I'm not sure what he was feeling, truthfully, but when I saw this particular photo, just two words sprang to mind.



Now, this? This definition of "pet peeve," I can explain.  ☺

What's your most beloved annoying expression? Have you even thought about it before today? Does your dog or cat like to dance with you? (Don't lie. hehe)


** I was extra happy, listening to this LunchMoney Lewis tune my kids found for me. I dare you not to dance. 



Tuesday, May 19, 2015

This Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words Wednesday: A Red Dog Lying Alone on the Floor

Here's the picture:


Think you can guess the 1,000 (give or take)-word backstory?

How about a hint (or 18)?






















Well? Can you guess the words, now? (Poor Jon Farleigh; he's always drawing the short {and narrow} straw!)☺

Have you ever seen such afflicted dog expressions? Do you have pets who jockey for the same chair or bed or blanket? Who wins?


Note: Photos were previously published in 2011.


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Classic Cardigan: I Just Ruined the Most Adorable Wordless Wednesday With a Butt Crack Story

The dog made me do it. 

Preface: The first time I published this story (on a Wednesday), "Wordless Wednesday" was in the title; "butt crack," however, was not. Also, #TongueOutTuesday was not a thing back then. If it had been, I wouldn't have ruined #WordlessWednesday (nope, I would've ruined #TongueOutTuesday instead).

Oh, and also:


"Intergluteal cleft" was too long to put in the blog title. (If you were following me on Twitter, you'd know this kind of trivia before the general population. Just saying.)


<end of preface>

Don't you hate it when you bend over to pat a friendly dog out in public and your pants (both under and outer) ride down to where the sun don't (naturally) shine?! Oh my gosh, I do too! Especially when my spouse tells me about it AFTER the fact. Like this one time...


I did it. I finally got photographic proof of a pet (of mine) with her tongue partway out. 

Anyone know why dogs and cats do this sometimes - forget to put their tongues back in? I mean, I think I'd notice if my tongue was sticking partway out. Wouldn't you? Of course, there was this one time (last weekend) when I showed half my butt to some innocent bystanders at the dog mall. (Not on purpose, OK? I'd bent way over to pet a happy westie.) Never mind that the victims were a sweet older couple from my church. Anyway, the point is, I didn't know I'd mooned them until after they'd walked away, because my spouse - who'd witnessed the whole thing, in helpless, humored bewilderment - told me so.

I swear I didn't notice when it happened - not even the slightest breeze! And, you can count on this: I will NEVER again exclaim behind a girlfriend's back, "That hussy totally knows half her @ss is hanging out the top of her pants! Sheesh, what is wrong with people?! And trade that thong for some granny panties while you're at it!" Nope, you'll never hear such ugliness from me again. 

Furthermore, why hasn't anyone invented an "alarm" to prevent this kind of thing yet? Like something one can clip to the inside of one's waistband, that delivers a harmless electric shock whenever there's a change in brightness and/or temperature in the cheek-al area? Let's see that on Shark Tank and then, on QVC! Wouldn't you buy one? Oh, come on, humor me, people! 

Well, fine, go on and be that way! Here, just look at these adorable pictures of my sweet Tigger with her tongue poking out!



This is so cute, I've just gotta squee! ♥

Now please, have a great day. And remember, crack kills!


Thursday, April 30, 2015

Classic Literary Cardigan: Sheercrock Holmes and the Curious Stench

Note: This three-scene parody/farce, based on a real-life event in my life (from 2012), is rated G for Gross. All readers who are not in the 8(to)11-year-old boy demographic should use discretion. 


Sheercrock Holmes and the Curious Stench

** Scene One **

Holmes (ahem, me) encounters a powerful stench upon entering her bedroom (which is adjacent to the bathroom that contains Maddox's litter box).

[grimaces and throws hands - open palms forward - in front of her face, as if to block an invisible perp from further olfactory assault]

"OOHHHH! OH GAH! [gags] WHAT'S THAT SMELLL??!" (knowing full well the smell is wafting from a pile of Maddox's prescription canned food-reeking cat poop)

[makes way back to litter box, careful to breathe only through her mouth]

What Holmes expected to find (but didn't)
Note: Hershey is code for poop.


"Well, at least he covered it this time," she snarked, noting the mound of litter in the center of the box.

[uses scoop to sift through litter]

"Hmmm. That's funny. Where the heck is it? [sifts again] So weird. Could he (Maddox) just have really smelly gas??"

(Where the flip is the hershey?!)

[sifts through last square inch of litter and after finding nothing, looks up and sees she has an audience]

Jon Farleigh: Whatcha doin' over there, ma?

Dewi: Oh hai, ma! When you're done with the sandbox, will you throw the rope to me?

[gasps and clutches chest - having remembered overhearing from the kitchen, about an hour earlier, Dewi and Middle Child playing the bouncy, bark-on-the-bed game. AND, that Jon Farleigh (her "shadow") had been conspicuously missing from the room]

"OH NO, YOU DIDN'T!" she cried, fairly convinced that Maddox had, in fact, NOT covered his poop, and that one of the dogs (while in the bedroom with Middle Child earlier) had helped himself to a "chocolaty" snack. 

[gags]

Maddox: I feel a quarter-pound lighter this morning, and you?

"OH, NOOO! That's DISGUSTING! EWWW! [gags] Oh, go play somewhere else; you're both (not knowing for sure which one had done it) INFECTED! Ohhh! Aghh! Uhhhhhhh." [gags]


** Scene Two ** 

About 20 minutes later, Holmes and Youngest Child are having a casual conversation in Holmes' "office."

 H: "If you ever see or hear a corgi messing around in my bathroom, PLEASE, run him off! I'm pretty sure one of them ate a pile of Maddox's poop this morning."

YC: "EWWWW! [becomes pensive]
Mommy?"

H: "Yes."

YC: [in all seriousness] "When a dog eats cat poop, does it go through their stomach and come back out as cat poop?"

H: [chokes back a giggle] "Oh no, no. That's a good question, though, buddy. No, it gets digested [cringes] and comes back out as dog poop. It might upset the dog's stomach a little. [scowls] But, I hope not this time." [sighs]


** Scene Three ** 

About an hour later, Holmes is in her bathroom milling around, with Jon Farleigh hovering close to her feet. (Note: Dewi is in another room at the other end of the house.)

Jon Farleigh: Pull my finger?

[suddenly realizes a foul stench - distinctly similar to that of Maddox's poop - has permeated the bathroom]

"OOHHHH! OH GAH! [gags] AGAIN?! [looks around for the cat and at the empty litter box]

But, he's not in here. What the...?!"

It's elementary. Jon Farleigh is busted. 

"OH, GROSS, JON FARLEIGH! 

It was YOU who ate the cat poop! You sneaked in here earlier while Dewi was making all that noise on the bed! YOU did it, because your fart smells like Maddox's poop! Good grief! I'm outta here! Ewww!"

THE END

*****

Psst, hey you. Yeah, you out there on the internets. Will you throw me a rope? Please?

Disclosure: This post is not sponsored by, nor endorsed by the folks who make Hershey's chocolates. But if you feel like eating some chocolate, and it happens to be the Hershey's kind, I'm sure no one will mind! Mmm, chocolate...

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