Thursday, April 30, 2015

Classic Literary Cardigan: Sheercrock Holmes and the Curious Stench

Note: This three-scene parody/farce, based on a real-life event in my life (from 2012), is rated G for Gross. All readers who are not in the 8(to)11-year-old boy demographic should use discretion. 


Sheercrock Holmes and the Curious Stench

** Scene One **

Holmes (ahem, me) encounters a powerful stench upon entering her bedroom (which is adjacent to the bathroom that contains Maddox's litter box).

[grimaces and throws hands - open palms forward - in front of her face, as if to block an invisible perp from further olfactory assault]

"OOHHHH! OH GAH! [gags] WHAT'S THAT SMELLL??!" (knowing full well the smell is wafting from a pile of Maddox's prescription canned food-reeking cat poop)

[makes way back to litter box, careful to breathe only through her mouth]

What Holmes expected to find (but didn't)
Note: Hershey is code for poop.


"Well, at least he covered it this time," she snarked, noting the mound of litter in the center of the box.

[uses scoop to sift through litter]

"Hmmm. That's funny. Where the heck is it? [sifts again] So weird. Could he (Maddox) just have really smelly gas??"

(Where the flip is the hershey?!)

[sifts through last square inch of litter and after finding nothing, looks up and sees she has an audience]

Jon Farleigh: Whatcha doin' over there, ma?

Dewi: Oh hai, ma! When you're done with the sandbox, will you throw the rope to me?

[gasps and clutches chest - having remembered overhearing from the kitchen, about an hour earlier, Dewi and Middle Child playing the bouncy, bark-on-the-bed game. AND, that Jon Farleigh (her "shadow") had been conspicuously missing from the room]

"OH NO, YOU DIDN'T!" she cried, fairly convinced that Maddox had, in fact, NOT covered his poop, and that one of the dogs (while in the bedroom with Middle Child earlier) had helped himself to a "chocolaty" snack. 

[gags]

Maddox: I feel a quarter-pound lighter this morning, and you?

"OH, NOOO! That's DISGUSTING! EWWW! [gags] Oh, go play somewhere else; you're both (not knowing for sure which one had done it) INFECTED! Ohhh! Aghh! Uhhhhhhh." [gags]


** Scene Two ** 

About 20 minutes later, Holmes and Youngest Child are having a casual conversation in Holmes' "office."

 H: "If you ever see or hear a corgi messing around in my bathroom, PLEASE, run him off! I'm pretty sure one of them ate a pile of Maddox's poop this morning."

YC: "EWWWW! [becomes pensive]
Mommy?"

H: "Yes."

YC: [in all seriousness] "When a dog eats cat poop, does it go through their stomach and come back out as cat poop?"

H: [chokes back a giggle] "Oh no, no. That's a good question, though, buddy. No, it gets digested [cringes] and comes back out as dog poop. It might upset the dog's stomach a little. [scowls] But, I hope not this time." [sighs]


** Scene Three ** 

About an hour later, Holmes is in her bathroom milling around, with Jon Farleigh hovering close to her feet. (Note: Dewi is in another room at the other end of the house.)

Jon Farleigh: Pull my finger?

[suddenly realizes a foul stench - distinctly similar to that of Maddox's poop - has permeated the bathroom]

"OOHHHH! OH GAH! [gags] AGAIN?! [looks around for the cat and at the empty litter box]

But, he's not in here. What the...?!"

It's elementary. Jon Farleigh is busted. 

"OH, GROSS, JON FARLEIGH! 

It was YOU who ate the cat poop! You sneaked in here earlier while Dewi was making all that noise on the bed! YOU did it, because your fart smells like Maddox's poop! Good grief! I'm outta here! Ewww!"

THE END

*****

Psst, hey you. Yeah, you out there on the internets. Will you throw me a rope? Please?

Disclosure: This post is not sponsored by, nor endorsed by the folks who make Hershey's chocolates. But if you feel like eating some chocolate, and it happens to be the Hershey's kind, I'm sure no one will mind! Mmm, chocolate...

11 comments:

  1. We hear that stuff is tasty
    Lily & Edward

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    Replies
    1. Lilay and Edward, ew. Don't believe everything you hear!

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  2. Oh, I love this! I didn't so much though when my Aussie's were alive and raiding the "Hershey's".
    It was a game of outwitting them as to where Sabrina could get to her box, but not those clever dogs!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Connie! I didn't realize you had Aussies before. :) You certainly know - like I - what it's like living with both herding dogs and cats, then. Though, I don't think the Hershey problem is isolated to herders. (So gross!) ;)

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  3. This is why our cat's box is covered and is also up on a counter in the laundry room so no one can help themselves to free snacks. Do you have clumping litter? Our Mom uses clumping litter which is another reason we absolutely can't be grabbing snacks in the box. Can you imagine the embarrassment at the vet when the x-ray shows clumps of kitty litter in a dog belly? Yikes! Cats...they make life so troublesome or us dogs!

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    Replies
    1. Emma, we can't raise them up, but most of the boxes are down in the cellar, where the dogs don't go. Ever. One other is covered and this one - well, it's not THAT easy for them to get to - now that there's a gate on my bedroom door. I use Tidy Cats Pure Nature in this box - it clumps but is made from natural corn and a little cedar. It's kitten (when we have fosters) and dog safe. :)

      Delete
  4. HAH! That was good. Why do dogs eat cat poop? I’ve heard of it before. Oh yeah, it’s cos we don’t chew our food and there’s real food in our poos. I should blog about when Nicky used his turds as hocket pucks.

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  5. Haha hilarious! We have a poop snatcher in our house. Mimi, the grumpiest ShihTzu on the planet, was taught the art of eating poop by her older sister, the late Emma the Boston Terrier. Her legacy lives on.... Oh, and that was very deep about whether the food comes back out as cat poop. That's a question I will be pondering for awhile LoL!

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  6. Sounds like my house! My maltipoo loves to eat cat poop...I ended up having to gate off the laundry room where we keep the litter box!

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  7. "Hershey is code for poop." Hahahahaha, this was my favorite line from the entire post!

    That said, OMG what is it about dogs and cat poop. We've always had to keep our litter box locked down like Fort Knox because without fail, every dog that's ever passed through these hallowed halls has been a litter box surfer. I have to say, I'm glad to know others have to deal with it, too! :)

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  8. Oh I LOVE cat poop, Taffy loves it even more! Mom keeps the litter box up high where we can't get it. The last straw was Taffy's mouth covered in litter as she tried to finish the remains of her snack. Love Dolly

    ReplyDelete

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