Classic Literary Cardigan: Sheercrock Holmes and the Curious Stench

Note: This three-scene farce, based on a real-life event in my life (from 2012), is rated G for Gross. All readers who are not in the 8(to)11-year-old boy demographic should use discretion. 

Sheercrock Holmes and the Curious Stench

** Scene One **

Holmes (ahem, me) encounters a powerful stench upon entering her bedroom (which is adjacent to the bathroom that contains Maddox's litter box).

[grimaces and throws hands - open palms forward - in front of her face, as if to block an invisible perp from further olfactory assault]

"OOHHHH! OH GAH! [gags] WHAT'S THAT SMELLL??!" (knowing full well the smell is wafting from a pile of Maddox's prescription canned food-reeking cat poop)

[makes way back to litter box, careful to breathe only through her mouth]

What Holmes expected to find (but didn't)
Note: Hershey is code for poop.

"Well, at least he covered it this time," she snarked, noting the mound of litter in the center of the box.

[uses scoop to sift through litter]

"Hmmm. That's funny. Where the heck is it? [sifts again] So weird. Could he (Maddox) just have really smelly gas??"

(Where the flip is the hershey?!)

[sifts through last square inch of litter and after finding nothing, looks up and sees she has an audience]

Jon Farleigh: Whatcha doin' over there, ma?

Dewi: Oh hai, ma! When you're done with the sandbox, will you throw the rope to me?

[gasps and clutches chest - having remembered overhearing from the kitchen, about an hour earlier, Dewi and Middle Child playing the bouncy, bark-on-the-bed game. AND, that Jon Farleigh (her "shadow") had been conspicuously missing from the room]

"OH NO, YOU DIDN'T!" she cried, fairly convinced that Maddox had, in fact, NOT covered his poop, and that one of the dogs (while in the bedroom with Middle Child earlier) had helped himself to a "chocolaty" snack. 

[gags]

Maddox: I feel a quarter-pound lighter this morning, and you?

"OH, NOOO! That's DISGUSTING! EWWW! [gags] Oh, go play somewhere else; you're both (not knowing for sure which one had done it) INFECTED! Ohhh! Aghh! Uhhhhhhh." [gags]

** Scene Two ** 

About 20 minutes later, Holmes and Youngest Child are having a casual conversation in Holmes' "office."

 H: "If you ever see or hear a corgi messing around in my bathroom, PLEASE, run him off! I'm pretty sure one of them ate a pile of Maddox's poop this morning."

YC: "EWWWW! [becomes pensive]

Mommy?"

H: "Yes."

YC: [in all seriousness] "When a dog eats cat poop, does it go through their stomach and come back out as cat poop?"

H: [chokes back a giggle] "Oh no, no. That's a good question, though, buddy. No, it gets digested [cringes] and comes back out as dog poop. It might upset the dog's stomach a little. [scowls] But, I hope not this time." [sighs]

** Scene Three ** 

About an hour later, Holmes is in her bathroom milling around, with Jon Farleigh hovering close to her feet. (Note: Dewi is in another room at the other end of the house.)

Jon Farleigh: Pull my finger?

[suddenly realizes a foul stench - distinctly similar to that of Maddox's poop - has permeated the bathroom]

"OOHHHH! OH GAH! [gags] REALLY?! [looks around for the cat and at the empty litter box]

But, he's not in here. What the...?!"

It's elementary. Jon Farleigh is busted. 

"OH, GROSS, JON FARLEIGH! 

It was YOU who ate the cat poop! You sneaked in here earlier while Dewi was making all that noise on the bed! YOU did it, because your fart smells like Maddox's poo! The fork, Jon?! So FOUL!" [dry heaves]

THE END

*****

Psst, hey you. Yeah, you out there on the internets. Will you throw me a rope? Please?

Disclosure: This post is not sponsored by, nor endorsed by the folks who make Hershey's chocolates. But if you feel like eating some chocolate, and it happens to be the Hershey's kind, I'm sure no one will mind! Mmm, chocolate...

Classic Cardigan Twofer: The Stupid, Rotten, Very Bad, Humiliating Life Lessons My Dogs Once Learned

Some things a dog only needs to experience once. Here are two separate accounts of such things - one each for Jon Farleigh and Dewi.
(Note: The number of lessons that preceded and followed these particular examples is greater than my patience for writing them down. Let's just say, they're well-educated.)

Originally published on 7/5/11 and 10/4/11, respectively (gasp, they were just babies then!)...

Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way by Dewi - Fruity Soap

The night before last, while I was milling around in the master bathroom, I heard The Hubby exclaim (in the dog version of his "what have you gotten into now" voice)...

The Hubby:  "Boys, what have you gotten into now!?"

[cue slight groan as human lowers himself to carpet and slithers halfway under king size bed]

"Uh, ELIZABETH!?"

 Me [with dread]: "Yeah?"

[cue slight groan as human slithers out from under bed and stands up using only three limbs]

The Hubby (now standing in bathroom with outstretched arm and "how the heck did they get this?" look on his face): 

"How the heck did they get this?!

(Meanwhile, Dewi is smacking his lips - as if he has peanut butter smeared on the roof of his mouth - with an ever-so-slight dollop of suds trailing down his left jowl.)

This is the part where I turn the blog over to Dewi and let him tell his story - in pictures.

I am not laughing, but my people seem to think this is funny. P'shah.

You dogs, pay close attention!

Any questions?

No dogs were physically harmed during the original incident nor during the making of this blog post. The soap, however, needed a thorough rinsing due to dog slobber contamination. Oh yeah, and Dewi swiped the soap out of the walk-in shower when I had my back turned.

~~~~~

Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way by Jon Farleigh - Ingesting Hair

Jon Farleigh swallowed some of his own hair (never mind how I know this), which, this afternoon, led to a series of unfortunate events. 

At this time, Jon Farleigh will take over the blog and tell the story in his own words (okay, mostly pictures).

Hairy dogs, pay attention!

If you eat some hair and get that "not-so-fresh" feeling, DO NOT use this...

carpet

...when you should be using this...

...or else the Mom person will use these...

Any questions?

Please leave me now.

~~~~~

Well? What sorts of life lessons have your pets learned? ☺

Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Bart Simpson's Ultimate Demise (Spoiler Alert!)

(Yes, I've done two tacky cardis in a row. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll make it three. Or not. ☺)

I'm telling you, this is it (how The Simpsons is gonna end)...

For reference purposes - in case you've never heard of Bart Simpson.
(Do those people exist?)

I'll be sure to let you all know as soon as Matt Groening returns my emails that I sent in my imagination. 

P.S. He'll eat your shorts (underwear), too, so for the love of Lisa, don't tell him to.

If you'd like me to consider a photo of your pet(s) for a tacky cardigan, just post it to the Facebook page!

I Gave My Dog an Orange (Plus a Few Other Things) and You Won't Believe What Happened

There used to be a time when the dogs never got people food in my house*. Well, except for baby carrots -- who withholds baby carrots from a dog with pleading eyes like Jon Farleigh and Dewi's? Not me, that's who. Anyway, (mostly) because we were trying to avoid the problematic begging dog at the table -- with the exception of the occasional raw veggie -- human food handouts were off limits. Good times, those days.

Please oh please, get in my belly. 

Then one day I peeled a clementine (aka Cuties®, Halos®). (Note: I never used to buy clementines before they were marketed as Cuties.) I suppose it was the first time I'd ever done that in front of the dogs, because for some cockamamie reason (as my previous dog -- and only other canine reference point -- had been adverse to the taste of all foods grown from soil), Jon Farleigh and Dewi got a whiff of that delicate citrus bouquet, became spellbound, and looked at me with an intensity that I had only previously seen when cracking open a can of stinky cat food. What the fudge?!

After about 11 peeled clementines over a few days (and by now, not only longing looks, but accompanying strings of drool from both dogs), I decided, what's the harm? Just like I know that coffee smells WAY better than it tastes (black), what better way to cure those dogs of begging for my clementines than to give them a taste? Bitter apple, anyone? Yeah, there was NO WAY they would ever beg for citrus after that.

Excuse me, it is my birthday. Could you spare a dime...sized dollop of that thing you are eating?

Except that they loved it. Slurped down those clementine wedges like oysters on the half-shell (which I won't eat, by the way, but happen to have a hunch that they would). And neither I, nor my my human family members, have ever been able to eat one in peace since.

I will also have you know that since I caved on the clementines, we have broken our "no-share people food" rule a few other times (in moments of extreme fatigue [Cheez-Its®], guilt that the cat was getting treated better than the dogs [bacon, roast beef and chicken], or at times when my husband thought it would be manly cute to let the dog lick the empty [save for a few drops] beer bottle). (Note: Not an exhaustive list.)

That slipper isn't even food, but I would greatly love to eat it. 

So now? Human meals and snacks are a whole lot livelier around here most days. And, oh yeah, dogs can't read, so if the thing merely sounds like a rattling Cheez-It bag from across the house (e.g., Frosted Mini-Wheats®, frozen Eggo® waffles, box of brown sugar)? Let's just say the resulting conversations (with dogs) have been interesting. ☺

Hello. I heard you playing the Cheez-It song. Mind if I join you?

Have you ever caved in and shared something with your dog(s) that has since made your life "livelier"? 

* Obedience classes were a different story. They (mostly Dewi) got people food in obedience classes (McDonald's cheeseburger, magic Oscar Mayer wiener, anyone?). It was my only defense!

Also, peanut butter in a Kong doesn't count as people food.

Note: This post is a re-write (with updates) of a post I wrote soon after the original clementine debacle (and re-shared Saturday on the Facebook page). Thought someone might gain insight from my shortcomings. ;-)

Second note (for other blog writers): See that title? Yeah, I wrote it that way as an experiment -- to see whether the "experts" on blog writing are correct in saying that that style of (trending) headline gets lots of attention. My original title was: "I Gave My Dog an Orange and Now I Can't Eat One in Peace." I think I can predict -- based on my own mental inclinations -- how this experiment is going to play out. By the way, I am NOT a fan of manipulative headlines (so don't expect to see me going over to the "dark side" any time soon).

(Vintage) Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Bad Dog Inventions

Note: Out of concern that, after seeing it, some readers might like to change the title of this post to, "Bad Dog Owner Is Bad for Making up Bad Dog Inventions," I make the following full disclosure (that I disclosed back on 12/20/11, when I first published this photo, under a different title [good grief, the holidays made my imagination hurt, and I'm still recovering, okay? I mean, thank goodness for reruns!]):

Jon Farleigh chewed the furniture pictured...when he was a puppy. This photo was taken [on 12/19/11, several months after the fact], and while he did chew on the (BPA-free) plastic bottle, he didn't really eat some experimental, canine "lockjaw"-inducing spray. In other words, I'm just a tacky caption writer, so lighten up, Françoise! ☺ 

Just for fun, I made that same face and cracked myself up. Why don't you try making it and see what happens!

If you'd like me to consider your pet(s) photo for a tacky cardigan, just post it to the Facebook page!

Classic Cardigan: The Time I Pretended the Dogs Redecorated the House, When They Really Tore It Up

Wait, that wasn't fair to the dogs. They didn't tear it all up; they only tore up some of the really nice stuff - that can't be repaired. And besides, they were puppies, so they get a bye, right? ;)

Please enjoy (at my expense entirely, oh, and in case you need to know, it got worse. Also, cats. Also, I don't care anymore.)...originally published January 31, 2011:

How to Clean House So Guests Won't Suspect You Own Indoor Dogs

(Please, people. If I actually knew how to pull that off, I'd start a consulting business, and could afford to pay a housekeeper.) [sigh]

So, I've decided to bump my usual Monday "training" post until tomorrow, as I've got larger fish to fry today: [read] How the hot fudge do I clean my house so none of my friends - who are coming over for coffee at 10 in the morning - will know that I have a couple hairy, mouthy, slobbery, barky, and who-couldn't-care-less about cleanliness corgis in the house?  Yes, I know. To the seasoned dog owner, this post is absurd. Why on earth would I want to give the impression that I don't have dogs; how superficial is that? Maybe, instead, I should find some better friends who won't care that I've started serving dog hair as a condiment, or who won't disapprove of my using fluff as an accessory?     

Ugh! This wouldn't be nearly as traumatizing if I'd had the tennis *balls* to invite these friends over a little more often than once, since the dogs joined the family last spring! (You know; to gradually "break them in.") It's just that we've been so busy with "redecorating" that it's never really been the right time.

Honestly, who'd have thought Jon Farleigh and Dewi were that much in tune with farmhouse decor? I mean, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense that my dream kitchen - with buttery white cabinetry set against sleek stainless appliances and old-fashioned hardwoods - was simply missing "authenticity" before the treatment it received from my two, all-purpose farm dogs? For example, these improvements:

Distressed Cabinetry

Faux-Finished Stainless Appliances 

Weathered Wood

Color-Coordinated Gating with Abstract Wall Art

Why stop when one is on a roll?  Let's move into the family room area:

Catch-all Basket After *Antiquing*

Footstool Fringe Is "In"

X-pen as *Furniture*

And, in the bedroom (note: improvements have since stopped in the bedroom, due to "creative" differences with the dogs, in other words, they're banned from going in it):

Out-of-fashion Textured Frieze Carpet Transformed into "Lived-in" Trashy Fugly Unraveled Carpet

Oh, for the love of peanut butter, it's just coffee with the girls, right?!  I guess I should at least wipe the dog drool off the appliances...  Mr. Clean, Brawny Man: H.E.L.P meeeee! Calgon: I need to get away! Helloooooo; anyone there?!    

Your Dog Might Be a Profuse Shedder if...

...your cats need to be taped off with a lint roller, lest they yak up dog hair hairballs.*

NOT a dog hair hairball, but it COULD be.
It's actually just a dry pile of Dewi's undercoat...
He sheds this much twice daily.
OK, not really. Thrice daily.
And that's NOT including his top coat.**

Speaking of hairy balls, yesterday, Jon Farleigh and Dewi were playing outside with a tennis ball (that was hairy, because they drooled on it and then shed all over it, which caused the hair to stick [get your minds out of the gutter]) and this*** went down...

Hi. I'm just making sure Dewi a hawk doesn't fly off with my ball.

Hey, Dewi, wanna play now?

Uh huh, I would love to play, brother...ever so badly!

OK...on three...

[thinking] Must get ready...

"...one, two...SIKE!!!!"

[insert maniacal laughter]

MOOOOOOOOOMMMM!

I heart my ball. And my mom person. 

Kids. ;-)

* I'm joking about taping off the cats. I rarely even tape off myself. Besides, they pass hair through their other ends, the "outcome" of which I don't inspect for dog DNA.  Ew.

** When he's blowing coat, which is most of the time. Oh, and JF sheds just as much. 

*** It really happened! I might have embellished slightly, however.

Have a smiley day!

P.S. Please do not spell "psych" incorrectly, like I did...up there, somewhere. ;-)

While my creativity recovers from its recent brush with politics, please enjoy some photos of my dogs' disgruntled faces!

Seems the dogs were in a mood this morning. ;)

Oh yeah? Well you can kiss my grits!

Life is a cabaret, my @ss.

[chirp chirp]

Oops! How did that get in here?! Oh, wait. I remember.

You see, yesterday, while in an election day-induced fit of weakness "creativity stupor," I drove my shopping cart past the half-off bin of Reese's lovers Halloween candy and accidentally picked up, paid for and ate several of these.  

The moral of this story?

Please don't let your "impaired" friends drive their shopping carts past the half-off Reese's Halloween candy. 

Thanks for listening.

P.S. My next post is going to be a classic (as in re-run). But don't worry, I'll pick a good one. :)

Looking for a (lost) Friend? Hot Guys Are Standing by to Take Your Call!

(Sheesh, people. What kind of blog do you think this is?!)

Yeah, but what do I say after I mash the answer button?
OK, fine, you do it!

HelloOoOo! Your small, furry bundle of love?
Why yes, I DO have a small furry bundle of ...

Dude. She did not tell you to say that. You are in SO much trouble.

We are sorry, but your call will be disconnected in 10 seconds; however, if the following small, furry bundle of love belongs to you, please leave a message after the beep.

BEEP!

Editor's note: Still no luck finding the kitty's original owners, and to make things worse, there could be other (related) kittens running at large in the area. The good news, however, is that he's still as sweet as ever, and we're all dwelling together peacefully (in a relative sense, of course). 

And on that note, may you dwell peacefully for the rest of your weekend! :-)