Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Two Cats Walk Into a Public Restroom...

Preface: This blog is, to me, like a blank canvas is to an artist - except I use words, and not paint. Also, the artist in my example is an elephant, who uses her trunk to fling random colors in the general direction of the canvas. But it's still art - to her. There was that one day, though, when she (the elephant) didn't feel like using paint anymore, so she just stood there and grunted, while staring at her blank piece of paper. Days went by, with more grunting, and still no desire to fling paint. This would be a really sad story, except that on the 8th, or 78th, day, she looked down and saw a brick of charcoal, took it in her massive trunk, and smeared it all over the paper, making a crumbly black mess. It felt good. It was a start. 

My image. After you read this peeing story, click this caption to read another about how I turned burgers into charcoal.

What I'm saying, friends, is that I'd like to strap some charcoal to my trunk and roll all over the keyboard, but all you'd see is *Y" Q(puiznnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnpwy0'76
-9 *$Z+W-[47nW________________Iz[  and I'd have to clean up a great big mess on my end. And I hate cleaning. So instead, I'll just stick to using words. A crumbly black mess of them. Starting right now. ☺


The following story is true, only the species (and respective accoutrements) have been changed to protect the innocent.

Fresh Step ad image via

So, these two cats walked into the public men's room at the highway rest stop, both needing to pee something fierce. The litter boxes for peeing were lined up along a wall on the far end of the room, uncovered, but with high walls, in case of bad aim (no one likes to get sprayed, is all I'm saying). The two cats--not directly acknowledging each other, but making mental note of the fact that they were the only two cats in the room--beat paths to opposing corner boxes. The release was quick, and without conversation. 

The silent "elevator ride" (because everyone knows it's creepy to talk to strangers in an elevator) in the men's room would come to an abrupt halt, however, soon enough.

I should back up a minute and tell you that one of the cats in this story would rather have an invasive dental procedure, without Novocaine, than publicly display, let alone speak about, the deeds that take place in, or around, a toileting receptacle. No, for this cat, it would be better that no one ever admit to doing anything in a rest room - other than rest. Living with the shame of the thought that someone else was imagining him in a bathroom deed--of any kind--was simply more than he could bear. Which is why what happened next in that public men's room, is of significance. 

"Jiminy Christmas!" declared uninhibited cat, as he stood at the paw-wiping station, directly next to inhibited cat. So inappropriately close, even, that his whiskers were practically tickling the other cat's nose. "I came in here to do one thing, but now, doggone it, I've gotta go do something else!"

Those words--"now I've gotta do something else"--lay in the space between inhibited cat's ears for seemingly 15 minutes, while he pondered, in horror, whether to say something in response. But, alas, all he could do was stand there and make a weird nodding gesture. Weird, in that he never made eye contact with uninhibited cat, and his head nodding was so slight, that it would've been undetectable to the naked eye. It was as if he had pretended not to hear the cat speaking at all. The cat whose mouth was practically in his ear, and who was staring a hole in the side of his face. 

The ensuing silence was even more awkward, in fact, than if inhibited cat had shouted in reply, "Well, I hope it all comes out okay!" or, "Gee, thanks for sharing!" or, "Lemme get outta here before you stink up the joint!" or "Ewwww, GROSS!" or even, frankly, if he had burst out in full-on laughter, right in uninhibited cat's face. I mean, really, what the heck should someone say in response to a total stranger making an announcement that he needs to take a dump?

Eventually, though, uninhibited cat gave up on a reply, turned away and climbed inside one of two enclosed litter boxes, tucked in a ventilated alcove. 

Inhibited cat didn't hang around long enough to hear uninhibited cat's inevitable narrative.  

 ~ The end ~

So, tell me, are your "cats" inhibited? Or, if you can't relate to cats, your dogs? I feel bad for you if they are. I mean, who has time for that tap dance?

By the way, you should wipe the charcoal smear off your nose before returning to whatever it was that you were doing. Just use the pretend baby wipes by the door. ☺


  1. Think it is fair to say that humans picking up poop looks mighty strange and so would love to know what dogs make of that let alone staring at them till they are done LOL. Have a tremendous Thursday.
    Best wishes Molly

  2. Just wanted to drop by and wish you and yours a happy and healthy holiday season!


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