Monday, December 30, 2013

Classic Cardigan: The Time I Pretended the Dogs Redecorated the House, When They Really Tore It Up

Wait, that wasn't fair to the dogs. They didn't tear it all up; they only tore up some of the really nice stuff - that can't be repaired. And besides, they were puppies, so they get a bye, right? ;)

Please enjoy (at my expense entirely, oh, and in case you need to know, it got worse. Also, cats. Also, I don't care anymore.)...originally published January 31, 2011:

How to Clean House So Guests Won't Suspect You Own Indoor Dogs

(Please, people. If I actually knew how to pull that off, I'd start a consulting business, and could afford to pay a housekeeper.) [sigh]

So, I've decided to bump my usual Monday "training" post until tomorrow, as I've got larger fish to fry today: [read] How the hot fudge do I clean my house so none of my friends - who are coming over for coffee at 10 in the morning - will know that I have a couple hairy, mouthy, slobbery, barky, and who-couldn't-care-less about cleanliness corgis in the house?  Yes, I know. To the seasoned dog owner, this post is absurd. Why on earth would I want to give the impression that I don't have dogs; how superficial is that? Maybe, instead, I should find some better friends who won't care that I've started serving dog hair as a condiment, or who won't disapprove of my using fluff as an accessory?     

Ugh! This wouldn't be nearly as traumatizing if I'd had the tennis *balls* to invite these friends over a little more often than once, since the dogs joined the family last spring! (You know; to gradually "break them in.") It's just that we've been so busy with "redecorating" that it's never really been the right time.

Honestly, who'd have thought Jon Farleigh and Dewi were that much in tune with farmhouse decor? I mean, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense that my dream kitchen - with buttery white cabinetry set against sleek stainless appliances and old-fashioned hardwoods - was simply missing "authenticity" before the treatment it received from my two, all-purpose farm dogs? For example, these improvements:

Distressed Cabinetry

Faux-Finished Stainless Appliances 

Weathered Wood

Color-Coordinated Gating with Abstract Wall Art

Why stop when one is on a roll?  Let's move into the family room area:

Catch-all Basket After *Antiquing*

Footstool Fringe Is "In"

X-pen as *Furniture*

And, in the bedroom (note: improvements have since stopped in the bedroom, due to "creative" differences with the dogs, in other words, they're banned from going in it):

Out-of-fashion Textured Frieze Carpet Transformed into "Lived-in" Trashy Fugly Unraveled Carpet

Oh, for the love of peanut butter, it's just coffee with the girls, right?!  I guess I should at least wipe the dog drool off the appliances...  Mr. Clean, Brawny Man: H.E.L.P meeeee! Calgon: I need to get away! Helloooooo; anyone there?!    


  1. LOL Hey, makes me feel much better about our house! :-) Cookie is getting much better, actually, except just the other day she ripped up a bunch of carpet lining trying to catch a bug (I was just in the bathroom)

  2. Your pix made us chuckle. We are of the belief if you don't like pets don't come over. Our pad our rules. Love the abstract art bit. Have a terrific Tuesday.
    Best wishes Molly

  3. Hi Y'all!

    Just stopped to say have a fun and safe New Year!

    As for the coffee hour...well, my Humans relatives have pretty much stopped visiting since my arrival. They don't care for anything with fur in the house, and certainly would be afraid to eat here! Human says you can't choose your relatives. Oh, same goes for old friends...your stuck with them.

    Y'all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog

  4. LOL! Love the artistic descriptions of the pictures. Happy New Year!


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