Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Bart Simpson's Ultimate Demise (Spoiler Alert!)

(Yes, I've done two tacky cardis in a row. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll make it three. Or not. ☺)

I'm telling you, this is it (how The Simpsons is gonna end)...

For reference purposes - in case you've never heard of Bart Simpson.
(Do those people exist?)

I'll be sure to let you all know as soon as Matt Groening returns my emails that I sent in my imagination. 

P.S. He'll eat your shorts (underwear), too, so for the love of Lisa, don't tell him to.

If you'd like me to consider a photo of your pet(s) for a tacky cardigan, just post it to the Facebook page!

(Vintage) Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Bad Dog Inventions

Note: Out of concern that, after seeing it, some readers might like to change the title of this post to, "Bad Dog Owner Is Bad for Making up Bad Dog Inventions," I make the following full disclosure (that I disclosed back on 12/20/11, when I first published this photo, under a different title [good grief, the holidays made my imagination hurt, and I'm still recovering, okay? I mean, thank goodness for reruns!]):

Jon Farleigh chewed the furniture pictured...when he was a puppy. This photo was taken [on 12/19/11, several months after the fact], and while he did chew on the (BPA-free) plastic bottle, he didn't really eat some experimental, canine "lockjaw"-inducing spray. In other words, I'm just a tacky caption writer, so lighten up, Françoise! ☺ 

Just for fun, I made that same face and cracked myself up. Why don't you try making it and see what happens!

If you'd like me to consider your pet(s) photo for a tacky cardigan, just post it to the Facebook page!

Classic Cardigan: The Time I Pretended the Dogs Redecorated the House, When They Really Tore It Up

Wait, that wasn't fair to the dogs. They didn't tear it all up; they only tore up some of the really nice stuff - that can't be repaired. And besides, they were puppies, so they get a bye, right? ;)

Please enjoy (at my expense entirely, oh, and in case you need to know, it got worse. Also, cats. Also, I don't care anymore.)...originally published January 31, 2011:

How to Clean House So Guests Won't Suspect You Own Indoor Dogs

(Please, people. If I actually knew how to pull that off, I'd start a consulting business, and could afford to pay a housekeeper.) [sigh]

So, I've decided to bump my usual Monday "training" post until tomorrow, as I've got larger fish to fry today: [read] How the hot fudge do I clean my house so none of my friends - who are coming over for coffee at 10 in the morning - will know that I have a couple hairy, mouthy, slobbery, barky, and who-couldn't-care-less about cleanliness corgis in the house?  Yes, I know. To the seasoned dog owner, this post is absurd. Why on earth would I want to give the impression that I don't have dogs; how superficial is that? Maybe, instead, I should find some better friends who won't care that I've started serving dog hair as a condiment, or who won't disapprove of my using fluff as an accessory?     

Ugh! This wouldn't be nearly as traumatizing if I'd had the tennis *balls* to invite these friends over a little more often than once, since the dogs joined the family last spring! (You know; to gradually "break them in.") It's just that we've been so busy with "redecorating" that it's never really been the right time.

Honestly, who'd have thought Jon Farleigh and Dewi were that much in tune with farmhouse decor? I mean, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense that my dream kitchen - with buttery white cabinetry set against sleek stainless appliances and old-fashioned hardwoods - was simply missing "authenticity" before the treatment it received from my two, all-purpose farm dogs? For example, these improvements:

Distressed Cabinetry

Faux-Finished Stainless Appliances 

Weathered Wood

Color-Coordinated Gating with Abstract Wall Art

Why stop when one is on a roll?  Let's move into the family room area:

Catch-all Basket After *Antiquing*

Footstool Fringe Is "In"

X-pen as *Furniture*

And, in the bedroom (note: improvements have since stopped in the bedroom, due to "creative" differences with the dogs, in other words, they're banned from going in it):

Out-of-fashion Textured Frieze Carpet Transformed into "Lived-in" Trashy Fugly Unraveled Carpet

Oh, for the love of peanut butter, it's just coffee with the girls, right?!  I guess I should at least wipe the dog drool off the appliances...  Mr. Clean, Brawny Man: H.E.L.P meeeee! Calgon: I need to get away! Helloooooo; anyone there?!    

Outdated Cardigan: My Dogs Used to Steal Toilet Paper for Fun

When I first decided to re-run a video of the dogs going on an elaborate toilet paper heist a la Mission Impossible, I was going to put "classic" (vs. "outdated") in the title, but then "classic" - when referring to an article of clothing, like a cardigan, for example - implies something that will never go out of style. And well, frankly, for some time now, Jon Farleigh and Dewi wouldn't be caught dead acknowledging the existence of toilet paper, much less expending energy to steal it out of the bathroom.

Yep, to them, toilet paper is just so..."yesterday."

Dewi: Seriously? What am I supposed to do with this thing, man?

So. Completely. Humiliating.

[sigh]

How much you wanna bet she tags us in these on Facebook?

I'm using a sick day tomorrow.

Life is rough for these two, don't you think? ;)

***

Anyway, I suppose there won't be any video sequels in this franchise. Darn.

But because it's been ages since I first posted it, and the boys are just SO stinking adorable being bad (especially since they don't do this anymore), and the theme music in the video is so cool,
just for you:

Originally posted on June 15, 2011...

Mission Not-So-Impossible - Toilet Paper Heist  (M:nsi-TP)

Or, click here if you prefer to watch at YouTube.

P.S. I'm a weensy bit sad that they've grown out of this. Please pretend I didn't say that.

The Dust Rag Makes Jon Farleigh Homicidal (and other household evil)

A while back I published a post called Vacuuming with a Vacuum Terrorist, which included a video of Dewi going postal on the end of my high-powered vacuum nozzle.

A little while after that I published a post called Neuroses, in which I confessed Jon Farleigh's bizarre disdain for the sound of all salt/pepper/sugar/spice shakers - to the point that I can't even open my spice drawer without him having a meltdown, moaning and shoving his head under my hand, as if to protect me from some evil presence that I can't see.

What I have yet to spill (until this moment), however, is that dust rags (cloths/Swiffers/gloves/whatever) that are in my hand, and in the process of trapping dust from hard surfaces, make Jon Farleigh homicidal (with intent to kill the thing trapping the dust).

Like so:

If you can't see the video, go here.

(Oh, and - as you can see {and hear} in the video - when Jon Farleigh goes after the duster, Dewi barks incessantly, trying to get both of our attention.)

So I can't vacuum, cook or dust without the dogs going completely bats**t crazy.

Could it be a sign that someone other than me is supposed to complete these menial tasks from here on out?

Yeah, more like a sign that the dogs need to GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL while I vacuum, cook and dust around them.

We must rid this house of the evil.

It's no wonder that I don't do menial chores more often. ;)

It's almost Friday! Yay!

Now why hasn't someone thought of that? Dog Inventions

Instead of bitter apple spray, someone should have invented temporary jaw paralysis spray. 

Note: Jon Farleigh did chew the furniture pictured...when he was a puppy. This photo was actually taken yesterday, and while he had been chewing on the plastic bottle, he did NOT eat some experimental canine lockjaw spray. In other words, I made the story up trying to be funny. Doesn't JF look funny? I just made that same face and cracked myself up. You should try it. :)

You better watch out...

...Cause if you do this again, Santa is going to cry.

Dewi casing the room from on top of the coffee table.

Oh hai. I was just imagining what the world would look
like if I was a German Shepherd.

Note: This is today's Rumpus Report. I couldn't fit it on Twitter (and didn't want to fit it on Facebook).

Don't know what got into the boys today. It started out like any other Monday. Except that I picked up after the kids last night. Well, that and there's a fresh Frasier Fir (aka Christmas tree) standing in the corner of my family room. It smells heavenly. 

Jon Farleigh and Dewi have not been heavenly.

So let's see...despite my picking up after the kids (to, hopefully, avert the daily rumpus), this happened:

• Dewi dug one of Oldest Child's cherished sock monkey slippers out from under two feet of folded laundry. (Confiscated with only slobber damage.)
• Dewi found a ball-point pen and chewed off the bottom.
• Dewi found a pencil and chewed it beyond recognition.
  Note to self: When picking up after children, check between couch cushions.
• Jon Farleigh, Dewi and Lulabelle (cat) explored underneath and around the Christmas tree, knocking needles and bark all over the floor (the tree skirt, unfortunately, didn't catch it, as it was wadded in a ball in practically another room).
• Dewi jumped up on every piece of furniture in my family room and office - just for fun. I know this because I got up to go check on him 149 times, just to find him perched atop a chair/couch/table, casually smiling back at me.
• Jon Farleigh and Dewi barked wildly at the road repair crew that pulled up in front of the house. (I didn't know the road was broken!)
• Jon Farleigh and Dewi took turns trying to get high enough (jump) over the windowsills to actually see the road repair crew. 
• Jon Farleigh barked while I was trying to speak into a computerized voice-response service line, and I couldn't get through. (Apparently, those lines don't speak BARK.)
• Jon Farleigh and Dewi followed me into a quiet room without windows (so I could hear the live tech on the phone who was helping me troubleshoot a laptop issue).
• Jon Farleigh and Dewi started barking in the formerly quiet room because now the road crew was "trying to kill us all" with a jack-hammer. 
• Jon Farleigh and Dewi followed me into yet another "quiet" place and (possibly due to raging testosterone levels) simultaneously humped Lulabelle the cat, who rightly screamed, but further agitated them, forcing me (while still on the phone with the tech - who probably thinks I live in a kennel) to use my chin and shoulder to hold the phone, body block the dogs and fling the cat to safety.

The good news is, I have three days left on my laptop warranty so they're fixing it for free (needs a new monitor). (The company probably decided it would be cheaper than paying the tech's wages for a marathon phone call with a deranged kennel dweller.)

Hope your Monday has been peaceful...and that your pets haven't made Santa cry. :)

Just for You: The Daily Rumpus, Daily!

Make sense? Okay, that's all then. Have a nice Monday!

Well, alright, I guess I could post a photo or two, or five...

Last week's Daily Rumpus contraband: (left to right) new glove, Youngest Child's flag
football medal, saltine cracker sleeve, 3-D glasses, electronic GigaPet, football slipper

So to prove to you that I do not write a fictional blog, and because it's just plain entertaining (to me), I've decided to show you all the stuff the dogs scored during their morning rumpus rituals last week. 

Can you see the crude "peace" sign they chewed into it?

Ironically, this "peaceful" glove (and it's mate, and two other slobbery pairs of gloves) were set aside to be donated to less fortunate children. I naively laid them on the counter just above the dogs' chewie drawer, beside a tennis ball. Silly me. :)
(By the way, the less fortunate will still get their gloves, and some hats, too. Courtesy of JF and Dewi.)

Jon Farleigh is willing the cat to toss him the slipper.

See? She's not buying it, though.

If Cardigan Corgis were just two inches taller, life as I know it would be dramatically altered.

And just for you - because I know you can't get enough of the boys being naughty - and I need to expand my social media horizons - starting tomorrow and each weekday, I'll be posting on Facebook and tweeting on Twitter the morning rumpus contraband of the day.  

I wonder what JF and Dewi will score tomorrow? 

Be sure to watch Facebook or Twitter to find out!

The Daily Rumpus

Dear Santa: I'd like some more natural light for my front rooms, so I can turn off my flash. Thank you. 

Most weekday mornings, after the last child is safely aboard the cheese box to school, I carry the second of my three daily steins of coffee to the computer for some quiet time.

This is Jon Farleigh's and Dewi's cue to commence the rumpus. The rumpus goes like this:

1. Dewi secures - in his mouth - by scaling the living room sofa, coffee and/or end tables - the gift his human siblings left for him the night before. These gifts vary from pencils, pens and crayons to headbands, tinker toys and decks of Uno cards. Today it was a pair of Youngest Child's slippers. 

   

   Deewwwiiii, I'm wayyytiiiiinnng.

   
   
2. Once the gift (or gifts - if they're lucky) is secured, the wild game of keep-away/bitey-face begins.

   

   I promise I'll let you win this time. Just move a little closer.

   
   

   

   Sucka! I eat your face off!

   
   
3. I grudgingly part with my chair and collect the contraband (aka poop on the party). 

   

   You're no fun.

   
   

   

   I'm finished speaking to you.

   
   
4. The dogs - usually physically exerted by now - assume their positions on the floor next to my chair and quickly drift off to doggie dreamland. 

   

   streeeetchhh

   
   

   

   ZZzzzzzzzz

And quiet is restored.
Until they hear a strange noise outside.
Happy Monday!

Neuroses

My dog's, not mine. You don't have time for that. :)

So today I thought I'd share something that does not evoke happiness in my dog. In fact, I don't know what it evokes in him, but it certainly makes him wild whenever it comes out. (I mean raving wild.)

I give you: Jon Farleigh vs. The Salt Shaker 

(This was the best shot I could get - the rest were blurry.)

 "I kill it for you, mom!!!"

[whining, panting, frantic jumping]

Can anyone tell me what it is about a salt shaker (or any shaker) that could make an otherwise happy dog lose his mind? Has anyone heard of this? I'm sure it's the sound, but whyyyyyyyyy???

(Guess it's better than a thunder neurosis - knock wood.)

Does anyone else have a dog who goes bonkers at benign objects? :)

Our New Pet and More on Spoiled Dogs with Too Many Toys

Amphibians love my neighborhood. Youngest Child loves amphibians. Meet our new pet amphibian:

This is Thaddeus (Tad) Pole.
He (or she) lives in a jar in the laundry room.

Please try to contain your jealousy.

*****

Also, remember the photo yesterday of all the dog toys contained on the rug?

Here is the same rug today:

The toys have been strewn all over the house.

This is how the rug got in a wad:

I didn't have the camera handy when Dewi attempted to roll himself up in the rug like a tamale.

Have I mentioned lately how much I adore these dogs? :)

*****

Coming tomorrow on the blog: The lowdown on edible chewies (as chewed by Jon Farleigh and Dewi)

(Off to buy fish flakes for Tad...)

Mission Not-So-Impossible - Toilet Paper Heist (M:nsi-TP)

AKA: Why We Keep the Bathroom Door Shut at All Times
AKA: Bad (yet cunning) Corgis

Oh, just see for yourself.
Hint: Best viewed in Full Screen mode.



Or, click HERE if you prefer to watch at YouTube.

Let them eat (Strawberry Short) cake!

The following blog post contains images depicting graphic doll violence and may not be suitable for anyone - especially those who watch(ed) cheesy animated shows about sugary-sweet children and animals named after desserts. Viewer discretion advised.

Yesterday, Jon Farleigh and Dewi helped themselves to the dessert cart (that the kids accidentally removed from the attic and left all over the floor in the spare bedroom).

They tasted the Strawberry Shortcake...

But after removing the topping, found the berries to be too tart.

So next they moved on to the plain Angel Cake, but decided it was too dry.

They, then, picked all the blueberries out of the Blueberry Muffin...

And lapped a foot, I mean spoonful of Rainbow Sherbet.

But in the end, it was the Orange Blossom candy that they couldn't resist. Well, mostly the orange filling.

They were thoughtful and left me some crumbs.

What good boys I have!

Have a sugary-sweet weekend!

:)

The Toy Is Mine

As part of Jon Farleigh's and Dewi's naughty adventure yesterday, they scored an empty shampoo bottle from a Child's bathroom and found the cap to be quite entertaining. So much so, that despite my bad mood, I allowed them to keep it for amusement. Unfortunately for Dewi, Jon Farleigh wouldn't let it out of his sight - even when he had no sight. You see, the "toy" was his.

But before I show you the photo evidence, I'd like you to get the 1982 single The Girl Is Mine, by Michael Jackson and featuring Paul McCartney, in your head. If you can't (possibly because you were an infant or not even born then), you should click HERE to listen on YouTube. (I release myself from blame, however, should the tune get stuck in your head.)

And now for today's Feature Presentation: The Toy Is Mine

"Every night it rolls right in my dreams...

Since I chewed it from the start.

I'm so proud I am the only one...

With whom toys cannot depart.

The toy is mine. [hum, hum, hum, hum]
I said, the doggone toy is mine.

I love you more than he..."

The End

I hope someone shares with you today.

Dedicated to the memory of Mr. Rufus B. Thumper, one doggone fine dog.