How to Trim Your Unrealistic, Pre-Blogging Conference To-Do List so You Don't Hurl #BlogPaws

No need to get your hair all wound up in a dremel over pre-BlogPaws planning!
(Image credit: Me, 2 weeks before BlogPaws in 2013, aka crunch time, and I had not planned to get my hair
 cut short that year. The hair unwound, thankfully,
but the ends would never be the same. The dogs' nails, on the other hand, looked great.)

In a few days (I'm not counting, but 10.5), I'll be sitting on a Southwest Airlines jet, somewhere in the sky between Georgia and Arizona, stomach full of helium (figuratively) and head swirling like just beaten scrambled eggs. All my thoughts unintelligible...because I had to get out of bed at 3 a.m...nevertheless! I will have finished packing, and (save forgetting all the bloggers' names I've tried to memorize over the previous weeks, once I get to Phoenix) the planning phase of my fifth BlogPaws conference will have been a success, happily in my past. Leaving me to get on with making this conference my best ever... Thank God!

OK, OK, I know. Planning for a blogging conference (especially one to which one can bring pets, and wear leopard print every day, or sport a "Pugs, not Drugs" t-shirt without anyone giving a second thought, for example) can be crazy exciting. Jump-up-and-down-and-scare-one's-loved-ones exciting, if I'm being honest (especially if it's one's first time). But once the under-two-weeks-left-to-go mark hits, the task of finishing off one's to-do list can quickly morph from producing a fluttery, anticipatory feeling in one's stomach, to full-on shortness of breath and a sudden urge to hurl on the floor.

Watch My #TrickorTreatDogs Smooch Me on Command and You Could Win Up to $1000 in Prizes!

Y'all! Jon Farleigh has a trick for you! And you know what else? We're giving away some dog crack (aka Jones Natural Chews Lamb Lung Puffs, provided by the company), because DOGS LOVE CRACK! Oh, and THIS!

Because of our friends at Kol's Notes and Beagles & Bargains - hosting this first-ever Trick or Treat Giveaway Hop-of-its-kind - we get to not only direct you to nine other awesome blogs and trick-performing dogs, but nine other treat giveaways AND, each time you enter one of THOSE, you'll be entered into the drawing for one of three magnificent GRAND prizes! All total, worth over $1000! (Details to follow.) But first...

Who wants to see how I taught Jon Farleigh to "give a kiss" on command?!

Everyone?! OK, yay!

Note: Incorrect form. Tip: DO NOT do as I did to get this photo op.
Smearing peanut butter on one's nose is NOT a part of training this trick. 

How to Teach a Dog to "Give a Kiss" in 6 Steps
(as opposed to just randomly shoving his tongue into your face at all times)

Before you start:
If you want to try this at home, you'll need a dog who likes to lick you on the face, specifically the mouth (as opposed to your eyelids or nostrils, for example, because redirecting the tongue is beyond the scope of this lesson). If you don't like being licked on the face by a dog, then, well, please read the directions anyway; there's a quiz. ;)

Step 1. Wait to catch one's dog in a happy, but calm (tired), mood.

Note: Yes, Jon Farleigh is quoting Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind. And, yes, he's wearing mistletoe on his head. It's for effect, OK?

Step 2. Get within tongue-shot of his face in a non-threatening way (i.e., NO STARING into his eyes or anything; that's threatening).

Step 3. Pucker up and tell him (nicely) to "give a kiss."

Step 4. Keep puckering and wait for him to take the hint.
Note: If he doesn't, maybe lick your lips or gently blow a puff of air on his nose (trust me, it works).

Step 5. Immediately after one's dog gives the kiss (but only if he waited for your command), say "thank you." DO NOT skip this step!

Step 6. Reward him using the PRAISE suggestions* below.
Note: I have never used a treat to reward Jon Farleigh for a kiss. Wouldn't want him to confuse my lips for a spot of beef liver (or lamb lung) or anything. (But a little lamb lung later on that evening, when you're not in the mood for kisses, will be JUST FINE!) 

* Suggested praise for "giving a kiss": 

1) Squeal like a piglet with joy.

2) Use your baby voice and say, "Oh, who's the best doggy in the whole wide world?! for example.
3) Lavish large amounts of rubbing and scritching upon his furry self.

Caution: Squealing like a piglet might actually entice one's dog to lick even more, making it difficult to breathe without sucking his tongue into one's airway.

Result (after several repetitions of entire procedure over several days): One's dog can "give a kiss" when told to do so.

Important (personal) aside: Jon Farleigh will also give liberal kisses when not asked to, especially when I lie on the floor on my back, or put my face next to his on the couch/bed. My husband, incidentally, does not care for facial dog smooches, but that does not stop Jon Farleigh from surprising him (husband) with a frog-like lash to the cheek.

I think Jon Farleigh might be due for some continuing education. *sigh*

So, do you want to see Jon Farleigh in action? Check him out! (Totally unrehearsed, by the way.)

Just call him "Hot Lips" Cardigan (M.A.S.H. pun intended). ☺

To whom it may concern: Dewi is not a kisser (except for a few "fairy" kisses to the eyelids first thing in the a.m.). He is, however, an expert spooner.

Let's Talk About Doggy Crack and Giveaways for a Bit

We weren't compensated with free crack (puffs) or otherwise to say this stuff, y'all; my pets (and that goes for the dogs and half the cats) GO WILD for Jones Natural Chews Lamb Lung Puffs! And yes, it IS just about one of the grossest things imaginable to think about eating. That's OK, though. It's PURE, made in the USA (organ) meat. It looks like dehydrated, grilled portobello mushrooms (or a steak that's been run over by a truck), but it's light and easily broken into small pieces (really small pieces for cats) and they LOVE it. (Read my full review here.)

Yum! (Oh wait, ew!)

I don't give it as a daily treat, because it's THAT good. Save that high-value crack for when you want your dog to do something GREAT! Like come when called, or walk on a loose lead, or not run out the front door when you open it. OR gift it to your dog (and/or cat) for the holidays! (Ahem.)

And right on time, I'm giving away a whole 8oz. bag (provided and shipped by Jones Natural Chews)! Residents of the U.S. and Canada are eligible!
(Tip: Like Jones Natural Chews on Facebook and Twitter to be among the first to know about the latest deals!)

a Rafflecopter giveaway
Did you enter? Yay! I hope you win, but that's not all! Each entry into my treat giveaway earns the entrant one chance in the GRAND PRIZE drawing (one of three grand prizes, actually, including a Peanuts Halloween Train from Lionel Trains). And because this is a blog HOP giveaway, you can enter to win a different treat prize each day during the contest period - at each participating blog. ALL of those entries count toward the grand prizes too!

Check out all the prizes and participants! For blog hop/giveaway details, be sure to visit the event page at Kol's Notes! 

Bonus Trick!

I call it the Dewi or "Crack" Dance. Dewi taught himself how to do it. ☺

A lung for me? Yes, please!

Parts of the "Give a Kiss" procedure were previously published. 

Of Gourds and Cocoa-Flavored Confections: How Feeding Your Dog Pure Pumpkin Is Good for His 'Chocolate Pie'

Caution: Do NOT feed your pet chocolate. It is toxic. Chocolate dog pies* are NOT actually chocolate. In fact, similar to cow pies, they're not even edible (bugs don't count)! 

I heard on the news recently that consumers should prepare for sticker shock at the grocery store, as due to short supply, the price of pumpkin - both in gourd form and in the can - is about to go up. In fact, they made it sound like there might not even be enough of the canned stuff with which to make a traditional pumpkin pie over the holidays. Can you imagine?! (Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie is just another turkey dinner at my house!) More on this development in a bit, but first...

Have you seen all the pumpkin stuff in the grocery store lately? I mean, not only is every food item known to man suddenly compatible with pumpkin spice flavoring (and/or coloring), but even the non-edible stuff, too: air fresheners, soap, candles, cat litter... YES, CAT LITTER! (OK, maybe it's "crisp autumn air"-scented, but still. What cat needs to poo in an autumn air-scented toilet?? On second thought, don't answer that...)

Spotted during a recent trip to Target. I could not make this stuff up.

Sheesh, with so much pumpkin available for mass consumption, no wonder it's in short supply! We'll have to eat pumpkin pie flavored pop tarts for Thanksgiving dessert! Thanks a lot, food and scented-stuff makers!

Alright. So the reason I'm telling you all this - contrary to what it may seem - is not to frustrate or alarm you (or make you hungry for pie), but to show you how EASY it is to get pumpkin (the pure, good stuff**) into your dog's diet, in comparison!

Exactly what is it, ma?

But back to that pumpkin shortage...Look, I don't know if it's true or hype - pumpkin is certainly NOT scarce where I shop, nor has the price gone up - but just in case it might, RUN! Go to the store and buy some pumpkin (either a couple of the small, pie pumpkins or 2-3 15-oz cans)! Your dog will thank you later (when he accidentally eats some OTHER animal's "choco-pie" in the yard/box, for example, and gets an upset stomach)!

But I didn't eat the poo. 

Like that one time (and the several subsequent other times) when Jon Farleigh had a problem. I just gave him a couple spoons full of canned pumpkin on top of a bland diet, and POO POOT POOP POOF! His pies went from loose to firm and completely slice-able in no time***!

*** Do NOT EVER do that! (Slice a dog pie. Oh, the horror!)
**  In addition to dietary fiber, pure pumpkin (including the seeds) is loaded with beta-carotene, vitamin A, iron, potassium, magnesium, manganese, copper, and zinc. It is also a good source of antioxidants. Only one or two spoons full of pumpkin is recommended per feeding, however, as too much can cause an unhealthy build-up of certain nutrients in your pet. More scientific information here.

My Top 2 Ways to Obtain Pure Pumpkin for Feeding

1. Buy a small, PIE pumpkin (they'll be labeled as such) - NOT a carving, Halloween pumpkin - at your grocery store, or produce stand. Then, follow this RECIPE FOR FRESH PUMPKIN PUREE from the Pioneer Woman. (Don't worry, it's simple.)

Great Scott! It's a PUNKIN!

2. Buy a can of pure pumpkin in the grocery store. This is my preferred method.
(Note: DO NOT buy the Libby's Pumpkin Pie Mix in the giant can! It is loaded with sugar, fat and spices, because it is PIE filling, and by that I mean the EDIBLE kind. Just make sure your pumpkin is pure.)

I love you with every fiber of my squash-colored being!
(Note: Do not give your dog the can. This photo is only for show.)

How to Store Extra Pumpkin So It Doesn't Go to Waste

If you're using pumpkin to correct your dog's occasional pie issues, you won't need to use a whole can, nor a whole pumpkin's worth.

When I have leftover pumpkin, I just divide it into freezer bags/containers, freeze, and then pull it out as needed. No need to even thaw (if you've frozen in single servings). You can also spread the leftover pumpkin in an ice tray and freeze it in cubes.

Or...

Use Leftovers to Make Yummy Pumpkin Dog Treats for Another Day!

And you're in luck, because our blog friends at Rubicon Days just published this curated list of 10 healthy pumpkin treats for dogs! (Go see; you and your dog will drool!)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I hear a Krispy Kreme pumpkin spice cake doughnut calling...

((Ring)) "Hello."
"You need some fried pumpkin spice cake in your life."
"OK, be there in 20 minutes!"

Do you give your pet pumpkin regularly? (Or irregularly, to combat irregularity? ☺) Do you have any "serving" tips to share?


* The first time I ever published a post about feeding my dogs pumpkin, I referred to their "chocolate pie" as "Hershey." I decided to go a little less brand-name this time. Especially since Halloween is coming up, and hello? Reese's PB Cups! (Hershey product.)  Those are sacred, y'all.

Does not (and better not ever) contain actual pumpkin. ♥
(Do not feed to your dog.)

But like whoever heard of someone handing out chocolate pie on Halloween? No one! (But in the rare event someone does, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!  They're trying to kill you! ☺)

P.S. Pure pumpkin is great for cats, too. If you can get them to eat it.

P.P.S. Halloween is in the air and you'll wanna stay tuned (to the blog and/or Facebook), because tricks, treats and a HUGE giveaway are coming next week!

STOP the Madness! It's Time for Affirmations and Meditation With Maddox (My Thumbed Cat)

Note: Neither I, nor Maddox, are certified meditation instructors. Frankly, we don't know what the heck we're doing. This is a parody. That said, we dare you not to smile.

Welcome, friends! It's been a tough go of it (your day, life, endeavor to become a professional magician, etc.) and we want to help! Do you have three minutes (of course you do; you're on the internet looking at social media)? Yay! Let's meditate for a bit. But before we start, here are a few helpful hints:

1. Sit down. If you can't sit (because you're standing in a subway, for example), for dear life, tether yourself to something, so you don't doze off and fall on something sharp! (Note: You won't doze off. Unless you're on the toilet, in which case, I hope you doze off, and your reading device falls in. Because ew! That's just wrong.)
2. Imagine you're sitting beside a picturesque waterfall, NOT Niagara Falls, though. Too violent.
3. Get over any issues you might have with giant tabby cats who have thumbs. Especially old ones named Maddox, with crooked whiskers and eyes slightly cocked. Maddox and his paws are a gift to stressed humans. Trust me.

Alright, you're almost there! To start, Maddox will say several affirmations directly to you (feel free to read them out loud; no one will care), and then he'll lead you through some calming imagery. Ready?! OK, shhhh....

affirmations

The sun is shining through your window and through your heart.

Today you will take one step toward your dreams.

Snacks make you smile.

You feel a deep connection with your feet.

Today you will be pleasantly surprised.

You are in a state of pure joy.

You are grateful for your breath, no matter how bad it might smell.

You are a calm airplane passenger.

You look for humor and fun in as many situations as possible.

Meditation is calming and will help you not have road rage.

meditation

And now, repeat the word "catnip" while viewing the following photos (and remember to breathe).

catnip

catnip

catnip

catnip

catnip

{Now, do that again, in reverse.}

end of session

Please use caution not to stumble while exiting, and have a pleasant day. ☺

Note: Maddox will not accept money.

Bonus Sound Effects

Maddox is a former shelter cat. We adopted him in 2012 from the Richmond SPCA. He was nine years old and on a prescription diet to maintain his urinary tract health. He is a polydactyl, and my soul man.

Classic Cardigan Twofer: The Stupid, Rotten, Very Bad, Humiliating Life Lessons My Dogs Once Learned

Some things a dog only needs to experience once. Here are two separate accounts of such things - one each for Jon Farleigh and Dewi.
(Note: The number of lessons that preceded and followed these particular examples is greater than my patience for writing them down. Let's just say, they're well-educated.)

Originally published on 7/5/11 and 10/4/11, respectively (gasp, they were just babies then!)...

Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way by Dewi - Fruity Soap

The night before last, while I was milling around in the master bathroom, I heard The Hubby exclaim (in the dog version of his "what have you gotten into now" voice)...

The Hubby:  "Boys, what have you gotten into now!?"

[cue slight groan as human lowers himself to carpet and slithers halfway under king size bed]

"Uh, ELIZABETH!?"

 Me [with dread]: "Yeah?"

[cue slight groan as human slithers out from under bed and stands up using only three limbs]

The Hubby (now standing in bathroom with outstretched arm and "how the heck did they get this?" look on his face): 

"How the heck did they get this?!

(Meanwhile, Dewi is smacking his lips - as if he has peanut butter smeared on the roof of his mouth - with an ever-so-slight dollop of suds trailing down his left jowl.)

This is the part where I turn the blog over to Dewi and let him tell his story - in pictures.

I am not laughing, but my people seem to think this is funny. P'shah.

You dogs, pay close attention!

Any questions?

No dogs were physically harmed during the original incident nor during the making of this blog post. The soap, however, needed a thorough rinsing due to dog slobber contamination. Oh yeah, and Dewi swiped the soap out of the walk-in shower when I had my back turned.

~~~~~

Life Lessons Learned the Hard Way by Jon Farleigh - Ingesting Hair

Jon Farleigh swallowed some of his own hair (never mind how I know this), which, this afternoon, led to a series of unfortunate events. 

At this time, Jon Farleigh will take over the blog and tell the story in his own words (okay, mostly pictures).

Hairy dogs, pay attention!

If you eat some hair and get that "not-so-fresh" feeling, DO NOT use this...

carpet

...when you should be using this...

...or else the Mom person will use these...

Any questions?

Please leave me now.

~~~~~

Well? What sorts of life lessons have your pets learned? ☺

Get Chronicles of Cardigan Delivered for Free, Plus a Dog-Inspired Amazing Weight-Loss Tip!

Have you heard the phrase: "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is"? Yeah, so have I, but THIS ISN'T ONE OF THOSE TIMES!

You really can get all of my (or most anyone's) blog content delivered for free, straight to your inbasket, without having to do a thing (except sign up for email delivery or follow me on Bloglovin). But before I show you exactly how to do that (in pictures), let me share a WAY simple idea the dogs gave me for how to eat less, and therefore, lose weight (as I'm trying to do)! 

My Dog-Inspired Weight Loss Plan

Supplies you'll need:

• Internet
• Printer stocked with paper and ink
• Tape
• Dog or cat (optional)
• Camera (optional)

Step-by-step directions:

1. Obtain a photo of dog (or cat*) poop (you can get this from Google, or take a photo yourself, your choice).
2. Print it off (number of copies depends, but I'd make at least 10).
3. Tape one copy to the following places (not an exhaustive list): refrigerator, pantry/food cabinet door, your plate, all TV screens, bathroom mirrors, the book you're currently reading, computer/tablet screen, smart phone, the ceiling above your bed (or wherever you lie down to sleep), your alarm clock, the car steering wheel.

That's it!

(Disclaimer: Results not guaranteed, but considering I'm feeling queasy from just writing the directions, it just might actually work! *groans* Also, as with any new weight loss regimen, check with your doctor first. But, for the love of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, please don't tell your doctor where you got the idea!)

* If you have dogs, I do NOT recommend taping up pics of cat doody. Your dog will EAT your signs (or raid your cat box). 

*****

So, now that I've given you plenty of reason to never EVER miss another one of my posts, let me show you how to get them delivered to you 2-3+ times per week! (Really! You'll never have to remember to find me on the Internet again!)

Email Subscription (Easiest)

See that same exact box over near the top of my right sidebar (hint: you have to actually be ON the blog to see it)? Well, all you have to do is type in your email address and press Submit! That's all! You'll receive an email each time I publish a new post (the entirety of which, is in the body of the email) - NO SPAM! Nothing extra! And no fake names in the From field! Yay!

Follow Chronicles of Cardigan on Bloglovin (Easy, but not as easy as email)

See that button up at the top of my sidebar? Yes, well if you have a Bloglovin account, when you click it, Chronicles of Cardigan will be added to your feed list. If you don't, you'll be prompted to create one. Bloglovin, in case you don't know, is like a blog reader, with a few extras. If you opt in, it will send you a daily email digest of all the blogs you're following, including a blurb from their most recent post.  

 <= Wanna try it? Just click!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

So, will my next blog post be stakeout or DELIVERY? (No tipping, please. ☺)

By the way, have you seen Chronicles of Cardigan on Facebook? It's fun! Check it out!


Psst. Wait a sec. What do you think about my calling it the Shatkins Diet? ;)