#BlogPaws - the Introvert-Friendly Conference (Insider Tips Galore, Inside!)

All images contained herein are from past BlogPaws conferences and are of my own extroverted dogs, Jon Farleigh and Dewi.

I'm an introvert and often, socially awkward. Well, until you get to know me, then I'm perfectly fine with saying out loud, what I wanted to say out loud the first time we met, but couldn't. Because I was worried I'd sound like a blathering booby (who should've worn a different, less distracting shirt, because I imagined you were judging it. Along with my hairdo--or lack of--and possibly my overbite).

I'll say whatever comes into my head from the safety of my computer, though. (Like, do you think I'd say the word "booby," which I just wrote, out loud to a stranger? Ha! Never*!) Good thing you'll never know my true personality...

* One should be careful about saying "never."

Wait. You will! Because I GET TO MEET ALL OF YOU AT BLOGPAWS! And, besides not saying "booby" out loud, Chronicles of Cardigan-me is exactly who you'll get! All pet people come as they are at BlogPaws (not a "blathering booby" in sight)!

INTROVERTS OF A FEATHER (OR FUR, SCALES...) FLOCK TOGETHER AT BLOGPAWS

I had this blog up for several months before I realized I wasn't the only introvert (note: I prefer the more appropriate description, "socially inhibited person," to "introvert," although, both are true) in all of blogland. It seemed counter intuitive to me: blogs were invented for extroverts; how else could someone put herself OUT THERE for everyone to see? But I was wrong. At least in pet blogging: the longer I wrote, the more I realized pet blogger folk are just like me. (My "tribe," I'd later call them.) Creative, outspoken animal people. And we're some of the best people to bring together in person, of all the people I can imagine!

This June, I'll attend my fifth BlogPaws conference. Trust me; if I can find a way to rock my introverted ways in a conference setting that many times? So the fur can YOU!

Are you gonna take us over there where all that delicious food is, or are we just gonna stare at it from way over here?

THAT'S A SWEET STORY, ELIZABETH, BUT I REALLY JUST NEED SOMEONE TO SAVE ME A SEAT IN THE CAFETERIA

Well, it's not a cafeteria, it's a buffet, and you'll get to serve yourself...but OK, I get it! No really. When I arrived at my first BlogPaws (of whose attendees I had never met anyone, in person), I walked right into lunch, already in progress. There was NO WAY I was wandering from table to table--with my dogs in tow--asking for permission to have a seat. NO WAY! Thankfully, there was another way...

(And you have another way, too.)

HOW TO BE AN INTROVERT AND ROCK BLOGPAWS

BEFORE THE CONFERENCE

1. Connect with (at least) one person and agree to be each other's buddy.
   
   This tip is the reason I didn't eat a bag of almonds for lunch--alone, in my hotel room--when I walked into my first BlogPaws. I had exchanged numbers with one other blogger, before I left home. Laurie Eno (The Daily Corgi) was my lifeline. As soon as I texted her, she was on her way to rescue me (from myself) and invited me to have lunch at her table (which was occupied by the nicest bunch of cocker spaniel rescue people I had ever met). The meal set the tone for the rest of my conference experience. Have a lifeline! This is the #1 most important tip I can share!


2. Go to #BlogPawsChats.
   
   Other conference attendees will be there, and one might end up being your lifeline (refer to #1). In addition, you'll get conference scoop, directly from the BlogPaws team. You'll get practice interacting with brands that are special guests, and that might also be conference sponsors. Did I mention you'll meet other conference attendees? Be there, most Tuesdays, from 8-10 ET on Twitter! I'm @ChroniclesCardi; hope to see you!


3. Get involved in the BlogPaws Community, and Facebook page, boost/support group.
   
   Did you know there's a conference Newbies group in the community? I'm a co-moderator. Come join us! Subscribe to updates at the 2016 BlogPaws Conference event page on Facebook! The more you know, the less you'll need to find out on your own at the conference.


4. While you're being active in #BlogPawsChats and Facebook, mention that you're an introvert.
   
   Yes, go ahead and get that off your chest. Trust me, IT HELPS! Remember how I mentioned I thought I was the only introverted blogger on Earth? How do you think I found out otherwise? Yep! Another blogger confessed she was, too, in a blog comment. We instantly bonded. A conference newbie confessed she was nervous about not knowing anyone in a #BlogPawsChat last year, and I bonded with her, too (we went to dinner at the conference and are friends to this day). Say it out loud (online)! Pet bloggers understand!
   
   

   

   Hey, my mom wants y'all to know she's an introvert and socially awkward. Can you point me toward the snacks? 



5. Make a list of people you want to meet at the conference.
   
   Carve out some time, sit down, and write out a list of the people you simply MUST get in front of, even if it's just to say, "Hi, I love your blog." There will be SO many people at the conference, you won't know where to begin, without a list. Make it a goal to check off each person. It will add "purpose" to your verbal interactions. And I have a trick for finding people: Look at the agenda on sched.org! As people sign up for sessions/events, they'll show up on the corresponding attendee list. If you're in the same session as someone on your list, then there you go! Wait by the door at the end, or get there early and look for that person. I've met several people on my lists this way.

DURING THE CONFERENCE

1. Bring your pet(s). 
   
   Nothing gets the conversation rolling like a fur ball on a leash. A guaranteed icebreaker. You know this already. Keep reading...


2. Go to breakfast on Friday and Saturday, but especially Friday!
   
   There will be NEWBIES TABLES! Right up front, easily identifiable, and occupied by people who will make you feel instantly welcome. One of those people might be wearing a distracting shirt (but that's OK; she meant for it to be distracting). Fine, I'll be the one in the distracting shirt! I hope you'll come over and judge join me!


3. Wear a distracting shirt**.
   
   To be clear: NOT obscene (this is a pet conference, with a chance of young people). Distracting, in a way that makes people stop and notice. (Last year, I wore a t-shirt that screamed, "ASK ME ABOUT MY CAT." Do you think anyone asked me about my cat? Yes [and I have six cats, so imagine that conversation]!) Rest assured, too, that you won't need to look hard to find pet-themed clothing/accessories for sale; there are endless possibilities.
   
   ** Your distracting shirt doesn't have to be a shirt: it can be a flat pet, or a pin (just make sure it's easy to read from a polite distance), or a sign, a bag, pants, a hat, cat ears, glasses, purse, scarf, entire costume...basically anything!
   
   A few pins to get you started.
   
   Follow Chronicles of Cardigan's board Way Cool Pet-Related People Clothes on Pinterest.


4. Get to your learning session a little early and ask the person(s) seated next to you about their blog/pet/reason for being at the conference.
   
   BlogPaws is no place for elevator silence; take a deep breath and say hi to the person next door. (Chances are, that person is feeling anxious just like you!) Exchange business cards (if you have enough) and chat a little about what you do outside of a pet blogging conference. You might even make a solid friend, with whom you can sit during lunch (or talk to on break, or stand with at Yappy Hour/Happy Meow-ur). You will not regret this!
   
   

   

   She gave me her name, but I got distracted by the ball and forgot to ask about her blog. 

   
   
5. Make arrangements to sit with someone at lunch.
   
   Whether it's your one pre-arranged lifeline, or the person you bonded with at a session, don't be shy about this. Text or tweet or send a Facebook message, if you need to, but get on someone else's radar for lunch! (The table might be full when you get there, but at least someone is looking for you, and you won't be alone looking for a seat.)


6. Don't be afraid to be alone, when you need some alone time.
   
   No one is going to spot you alone in a lobby chair, for example, and label you a wallflower (they will be too busy trying to get through their own hectic day). This goes for any place you go to be alone in public. My favorite BlogPaws (alone) place has historically been the pool (I do this at home, too). Just be sure and make some alone time, so you can recharge your introvert batteries!


7. (Optional) Join the Friday evening Newbie gathering (details TBD).
   
   After you've joined the 2016 Newbies group in the BlogPaws community, head over to this discussion and make known your interest! I can't think of a better way--if you've not already got Friday plans (refer to conference agenda)--to get to know other, kindred bloggers at the conference.

OPTIONAL (BEFORE AND/OR DURING THE CONFERENCE)

1. Get a (human) roommate.
   
   Not sure how to go about this? There's a roommate interest board in the Newbies group. I didn't have the nerve to get a roommate until my third conference. It turned out SO well, that we roomed together again for my fourth (last year). She (Jessica of You Did What With Your Wiener? fame) self-describes as an extrovert, by the way, but turns out, that was exactly what I needed. Besides just having someone to talk to in the room, and stand next to in a crowd, she kept me accountable to get out of the room and participate. She even shared her session notes when I needed to take some "me" time at the pool. Think a roommate might be for you? Start working on that now. (Reminder: Hotel restrictions permit only two pets per room. I did not have pets with me either year I had a roommate; however, she did. And they were perfect!)
   
   

   

   You realize you're not sleeping alone, right?



2. If you're road-tripping, share the driving with another attendee.
   
   And, wouldn't you know, there's a Newbies group interest board for ride sharing, too! I've never shared a ride, personally, but many folks do. Is there a better way to get one's pre-conference jitters out than to speak them into the ear of another person? I don't know!


3. Eat pickles.
   
   Not kidding. There's scientific evidence that pickled (fermented) food consumption helps curb social anxiety. I haven't paid close enough attention to corroborate! 

So, how are you feeling? Ready to rock BlogPaws? (Yes, you are and will!)

What are your questions? Got any other tips to share? (Conference veterans, speak up!)

Haven't purchased your BlogPaws conference pass yet? REGISTER HERE and use my 10% off discount code: BP16-Amb-Elizabeth10

P.S. I'm not the only one who's ever written tips for introverts attending BlogPaws and networking events, in general. Here are two other great resources:

Networking for Introverts, by former BlogPaws blog manager, Robbi Hess (an introvert)
The Introvert's Guide to Having an Awesome Time at BlogPaws, by Dr. Jessica Vogelsang (an introvert)

(Besides the Obvious) 5 Reasons I'm Happy to to Be Home From the BlogPaws Conference

For the most part, conferences (especially when they're in popular vacation spots, like Las Vegas and Nashville, for example) are fun. So much fun, in fact, that I need about three days to recover after returning home. 

(Note: Recover = sleep and minimal mental exertion = for example, {to child} "No, I can't drive you to X place at 8 a.m." and {to husband} "Sorry, but am I going to have to actually get up, get dressed and talk to the irrigation people when they get here? Or will they just remember what you told them on the phone, do all the work and leave quietly?")

The good news is that it's been three days since I returned home from the BlogPaws Pet Blogger and Social Media conference in Nashville, TN, so I'm refreshed and raring to put to use some of the many things I learned! The bad news? I have to deep clean my whole house in preparation for events surrounding my daughter's graduation from high school this weekend, so those ambitions will have to wait until next week. (Also, yes, I am aware that it's almost Friday, which doesn't give me a lot of time for chores. Let's just say the "deep" in "deep clean" is relative.☺)

That's me, walking the red carpet before the BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards gala. My blog was a finalist in two categories: Best Blog Design and Best Humor Blog. I did not win.**  I was, however, awarded a certificate of excellence for my blog's About page.
image courtesy BlogPaws and bybecka.com

Here is the full, live-streamed Nose-to-Nose Awards ceremony, if you care to see it. The video will start (I'm sorry, I'm just so thrilled my little blog was mentioned, I had to cut it right to the chase!) where the Best (pet blog) About Page is announced.

But back to BlogPaws for a bit: Holy dog and cat, what a flipping good time! There is so much I could say about the learning (in acclaimed author and Vietnam veteran, Lon Hodge, aka "Mr. Gander's" creative writing session, titled, The Raccoons Stole My Peanut Butter; award-winning writer and blogger, Maggie Marton's authenticity in writing session; and the Web-building genius, Jill Caren's advanced SEO session, just to name a few places). But, I won't - because I'd bore you and you'd leave, and I don't want you to leave because I have an important list for you to read. (In only 3.5 more minutes, I promise!)

And, don't even get me started on the fantastic people (I can't name them all, so I won't even try. If I talked to you at the conference, consider yourself included. Except for that one person who looked at me like I was a five-headed alien...KIDDING! No one looked me that way {not to my face, anyway})! ☺ 

Then there were all the pets...oh my gosh, SO many (besides my own, who were chilling at home)! Here's just a small sample (shot with my cell phone). 

So this is Adorable Sleeping Foster Kitten (I don't know his real name, nor who was holding him, because I was running. If someone else knows, please let me know in comments so I can correct!)

And here we have the lovely (and terribly modest) Luna and her mama, Jessica S. (fellow Virginians, I will add), from the budget-conscious and DIY dog-blog, Beagles and Bargains. 

(Nope, I am not sh^tting you.☺) Any Instagram-ers out there? If so, you might recognise Priscilla here! She and her bro, Poppleton (who is smooshed down in the stroller beside her), the mini-pigs are BIG Instagram stars, with nearly half a MILLION followers! (@prissy_pig) (I still can't believe I saw these two at the conference.)

And last, but not least, for Corgi Nation...

This is the lovely Eve Corgi Coulter (aka "VP of Princessology"), who, along with her brother, Ty Coulter, are the stars of the popular blog and Facebook page, Corgilicious! (Miss Eve was the ONLY corgi at the conference, and meeting her made my whole day!)

Y'all, this was my fourth BlogPaws conference, and let me tell you, it takes massive will-power (and practice, I've learned) to get anything "serious" accomplished with all the critters running around! And they are all so well-behaved!

Do you wanna know a secret? I started pining for Jon Farleigh, Dewi and (most of) my cats by the second night. Yep. Turns out it's hard for me to sleep un-cramped in a queen bed, in relative silence (relative to the humming of the kitchen exhaust fan, just beyond the balcony). So even though I had a wonderful time in Nashville (including getting out on the town for a day), it was really good to get home to my furry family (and, I suppose, the un-furry family, too). ☺

That's not all. I've realized, this week, a few other (less-obvious) reasons I'm happy to be home, too. Perhaps you can relate. 

5 Less-Obvious Reasons I'm Happy to Be Home From the BlogPaws Conference

1. No more loneliness in the bathroom! Seriously. I never know how much I appreciate furry potty-time companionship until I'm without it for a stretch. 

2. (And speaking of potty-time...) REGULARITY! As in, it's back! (Can someone please tell me what it is about not being able to go when one is away from home? Especially when one has a roommate? I mean, it's not like (in my own experience) I eat any less, or fewer fiber-rich foods (I might even eat more fiber), or that I'm actively trying to will off the urge for several days straight - it just simply DOES NOT HAPPEN. But when I'm home? {hurry! insert mental image of baby foxes in a hollowed out log, to cancel out the other...image of a baby panda in a bamboo thicket!}

3. Less-than-casual Fridays are back! OK, less-than-casual ALL the days! (Less-than-casual = pajamas or too-embarrassing-for-even-the-grocery-store sweats. Oh, and no makeup.) Hoorah!

4. (Here's one that many of us probably take for granted...) I'm the best blogger in the room! (I'm just saying, there should be an award for that. And if you're NOT a blogger? Well, just insert whatever it is that you ARE: freelance writer, mom, bookkeeper, painter, 900# phone operator, WHATEVER! If you're the only one in the room, you're the BEST! ☺

5. And, finally (this one is pretty confined to my personal situation, I have to say), 99.42% confidence (after all the learning I did in the advanced SEO class at BlogPaws) that NO ONE is going to find this blog post through a Google search! (.58% of me is still hopeful that someone will look up "SHY BOWELS WHEN AWAY FROM HOME + BLOGPAWS," because then, I win! Woo!) 

And to Dorothy...you were right: There's no place like home! (♪♪ Dun dun dun dun dun...dun dun dun! ♪♪)

OK, what did I leave off the list, you guys? Anything? Did you go to BlogPaws (or any other conference, ever)? Why are you glad to be home?

* BlogPaws '16 is going to be in Phoenix, AZ! Will you be there, too? 

** The Nose-to-Nose award for Best Blog Design went to Jessica W. and You Did What With Your Wiener. The award for Best Pet Humor Blog went to Jennifer C. and My Brown Newfies & Me. If you haven't already, check them out!

Shuffles in the Sand With Stingrays: My Up-Close Encounter at Stingray City Bahamas

"Without a doubt, I'd venture that at least 99% of the people, who experienced the stingray encounter with me that day, left with a new (or deeper) appreciation of marine life, and our responsibility to protect it."  - Me

One of the several perks of going on a cruise - I learned last month in the Bahamas - is the option* to go on adventures (or "shore excursions") when the ship is in port. In my last post I told you about one of them - the sharks and slides of Atlantis Aquaventure. But, as crazy-exhilarating as that was, it was the up-close encounter with 40-or-so majestic southern stingrays that I'll tell stories about when I'm old (and rambling on to whomever gets within earshot).

A southern stingray resting on the sea bed

"SStringray" by Original uploader was Wrtiii3644 at en.wikipedia - Transferred from en.wikipedia; transferred to Commons by User:Jacob Robertson using CommonsHelper.. Licensed under Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.

This is that story. 
(Note: When I'm old and going from distant memory, it's possible that I will have been a passenger on the Titanic, and the stingrays will have been whales, or seals.)

Shuffles in the Sand With Stingrays

On a small motor boat on the way to the sandbar known as Stingray City, a burly fellow presided at the bow, before a captive audience of wide-eyed tourists (myself counted among them). In his weathered hands he held a child's plush toy - a stingray - with which, during the 15-minute ride, he taught us all we needed to know about the animal's anatomy, behavior and what we could expect at the habitat.

Actual salty, burly man with stuffed stingray

I repeat: At the front of the boat, there was a salty, burly man, teaching a mini-class on stingrays, using a stuffed animal, in the middle of the Caribbean Sea, on the way to a sandbar in the middle of nowhere, where the tourists would go frolicking with a flock** of rather large, tame ones. (It was nuts!)

When the boat arrived at the enclosure - an expansive, open area of calm, mostly waist-deep, sparkling, turquoise water - we could see no rays, and no other life, besides a scattering of  Bahamian stingray "wranglers," who were awaiting our arrival.

"Walk toward the center of the enclosure and shuffle the sand at your feet," said our burly sea guide, "and watch that last step, it's a...whoa!"

He didn't need to finish the sentence, because the lady in the front of the line - the one who missed the last step and face-planted in the shallow water, with her eyes open - kindly demonstrated for us. (It's OK, only her pride was harmed.)

A starfish in the middle of my path. After I determined he was real (vs. a plastic decoration), I named him Patrick. 

They said I could pick Patrick up for a few seconds. That he was like 95% water.
He didn't talk, nor make any sudden movements.

I had no idea why I needed to shuffle my feet, but I did as I was told (have you ever tried to walk through the ocean, shuffling your feet in knee-deep water? It's an aerobic, balancing act. In other words, people like me tend to lose footing and become buoyant). Thirty-nine seconds later, they were gliding toward me - seemingly from nowhere, and with alarming speed - at least two rays, with wingspans of over four feet each.

I'm not sure whether I breathed for the next minute or so. At least until after they'd reached my legs, realized I had no food to offer them (they can smell it), and kept on gliding toward the next person.

I took this photo, after I regained my composure.

FYI: I figured out pretty quickly that shuffling lets the rays - who, when at rest, bury themselves in the sand - know to get out of the way. Additionally, it signals to these rays, in particular - who've been socialized to humans, using food - that it's snack time! So, naturally, when they sense humans in the water - even from football-field-lengths away - they drop everything and head for the source. Kind of like how seagulls follow ships to catch the fish the motor kicks to the surface.

But, holy cow, y'all! When I caught sight of that first pair of stingrays, coming straight for me, I wasn't sure if I'd faint or squeal with joy. All I could do was stand there frozen stiff, until they had safely passed.

Some folks are about to get a warm, fluttery feeling against their legs!

It wasn't long before there were so many rays swimming around and through the group's legs (like a pen full of puppies, really), that my fear gave way to cautious curiosity and amazement. I even got the courage to reach down and touch one as it glided by. (I'd already felt the silkiness of their wings, as well as the roughness of their barbed tails, against my legs.)

This one, I reached out and touched. 

Fact: Southern stingrays can't disengage their barbed tails like a bee's stinger. They can, however, when threatened by predators (e.g., sharks), curl them up over their heads scorpion-style, and deliver a nasty, venom-infused wound. In spite of this, they are naturally docile creatures, preferring to simply swim away. 

Respect the spine-tail!

What I will most remember about interacting with those rays, though, is (after volunteering to do so) taking a raw calamari squid in my fist (with thumb tucked under for safety), lifting it up under the ray's mouth (as her handler cradled her at the water's surface) and feeling the strange vacuum suction, as she slurped it right out of my hand.

I prefer my calamari deep fried and drizzled with lemon.
Also, in related news (regarding my posting of that photo)...Today's forecast in Hell: Cold with a 100% chance of flying pigs. 

Fact: Stingrays don't chew their food, but, like the inside of a duck's bill, have a spiny surface around their mouth opening to crush the shells on their prey.

Rays have big mouths. Watch those fingers, wrangler man!

Out of anxiety that not all the raw quid would be distributed, and not all the rays would be fed (which, it turns out, is never a concern, because the rays have plenty of natural prey to feed on in their habitat), I volunteered to feed a lot of rays!

Lots of feeding, I did. 

Some of the larger females (they were all female, and all had names) - just like something out of that popular, clothed sea sponge cartoon - even showed begging behavior, by gliding straight up people's legs and backs (Gary the meowing snail, anyone?), in an attempt to get picked up and fed. It was surreal. And hilarious!

Hiya, giver of tasty snacks; I'm just gonna climb up your leg and see what you've got!

via fanaru

To my delight (contrary to a few Internet reviews I'd read), we were allowed to bring our own cameras into the water and shoot as many pictures as we liked! My Olympus takes crappy pictures, but it's waterproof, so I snapped myself silly. (And, because I mostly just blindly submerged the camera, hoping it would focus on a ray, sadly, the photos were even more crappy than usual. Or, the subject was not a ray, but a close-up of someone's rear end. Oh, well.)

Besides making friendly small talk and encouraging people to interact with the rays, each of the professional handlers (called "wranglers") was knowledgeable and freely answered questions about the animals in their care. I know this, because I managed to lure one of them into a 20-minute conversation. (Although, after the first five minutes, it was mostly him doing the talking.) He - who couldn't have been older than 21 - spilled practically everything he knew about stingrays, among other salt-water things. It was clear he had respect and love for the animals, was proud of his job, and had been waiting - for who knows how long - to unload everything he'd been storing in his head on a willing pair of ears.

My new Bahamian wrangler friend

We talked about the late Steve Irwin, the circumstances of his deadly ray encounter, and the public misinformation about rays that ensued. By the end of our talk, the young man felt like an old friend to me, and I would've gladly joined him - had he asked - for a feast of his favorite meal - cracked conch salad - even though the thought of it (eating chunks of cold conch) made my stomach queasy.

Once all the squid had been eaten, and the rays had lost interest in us, it was time to go. The boat ride back buzzed with lively conversation - our small group no longer strangers, but kindred spirits. Spirits, bonded for life over a flock of puppy-like, squid-eating stingrays, somewhere in the Caribbean Sea, on a sandbar in the middle of nowhere.

My photographer helper ☺

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** Optional, as in costs extra, not included in the price of the cruise. So, you better be darn sure you do your research beforehand, as I did.
* A group of stingrays travelling together is called a fever; however, I used "flock," because who the heck knows what a fever of stingrays is?

For more information about Stingray City Bahamas, visit their website. Additional information is provided for their sister location at Grand Cayman here and here.

There're Sharks in These Waters! - 5 Ways to Avoid Jumping Over Them

Alternate titles:

• I Used Questionable Judgement While on Vacation Last Month
• Wherein I Address "Jumping the Shark" Both Literally and Figuratively
• I Hugged Dug (From the Pixar Film UP) and I Liked It

Little known fact: I write the titles of all my blog posts before the posts. Sometimes days before. In other words, the creative juices flow from the titles (I don't know why, that's just the way it is). 

Why this matters: I'm still (as I type) coming up with alternate titles for this post. So, if it (the post) comes out half-baked, I cannot be held responsible. 

*****

Remember how in elementary school, when you got back from summer vacation, the teacher would sometimes have you write an essay (on newsprint paper with lines on it) entitled, "What I Did on Summer Vacation"?

Yes, well, I'd like to do a condensed essay for you now (circa my writing ability in 1976). 

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Over my summer vacation, I went on a cruise to the Bahamas. It was fun. When I was in the Bahamas, I went to a place called Atlantis Aquaventure and went down a giant water slide called the "Leap of Faith." The slide looks like it is going down the outside of a real-life Mayan temple. Not many people go down it, because it's really scary and almost taller than a skyscraper. Also, when you get to the bottom, you shoot into a chamber that is surrounded by a shark tank. There are lots of big sharks swimming in the tank, but they can't get past the glass to bite you. I did it twice. 

Note: Not me. I am not a man. I took the photo, however, and a few hours before, *I* was the fool sliding off a pyramid into a shark tank. 

On my last day in the Bahamas, in a town called Freeport, I rode in a motor boat with a glass window in the bottom out over some reefs in the Caribbean Sea. When the captain stopped the boat, we could see schools of tropical fish and sharks swimming through the glass window. We also saw a wrecked tug boat that had barnacles growing on it. The sharks and other fish circled the boat when the captain's helper threw bits of raisin bread off the side. I don't think the sharks were man-eating because they liked eating the bread. So did the seagulls. On the way back to the shore, only one lady got seasick. It was a fun day. 

Sharks on the reef, under the boat.

[end of essay and 1976 writing flash-back]

Although I didn't technically jump a shark on vacation last month, I did, in fact, slide/ride over (more than) one in close proximity. Therefore, the following tips are written from experience: 

5 Ways to Avoid Jumping the Shark(s) (while on vacation)

1. Don't get in the water. 
2. Don't go on vacation during Shark Week, when there's a high probability of a sharknado. (Because then you might get caught up in the cyclone and fly over one.)
3. When your friends/family/tour guide suggests you attempt the shark stunt, refuse to do it. Have some will power. 
4. Stop going on vacations. 
5. Go under, or around the shark, instead. 

via Wikipedia

Who remembers the old Happy Days episode (and by old, I mean 143 years ago, in 1977) when Fonzie water skied over a shark? I don't...because the show had already gotten STUPID by that point, and I'd quit watching it! 

And that, friends, brings me straight to my next point: figurative shark-jumping. 

(Caution: Heavy use of metaphor ahead.)

I believe you all know what the idiom means. It means, the show got so boring, that the writers (with the producers' blessing) had to write something incredibly hokey into the plot to spike ratings. But, who the fudge cares about water skiing over sharks, y'all? Who wants to tune in and see Scooby-Doo's bratty nephew (Scrappy) ruin all the mystery fun? And why the heck did Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm have to grow up, anyway? Can you imagine if the writers for Sesame Street made Bert and Ernie grow up, become trapeze artists for Cirque du Soleil, and spun them off into their own Elmo's World-esque mini-show each week? No!!! I say, (1,000 years from now) let those muppet children (are they? children?) go out in a blaze of glory, without having aged one minute! [end rant]

Random photo of Jon Farleigh witnessing something monumental, while holding his own leash.

So, here's the thing. Not only did I literally get in shark-infested waters while on vacation, I've been sensing (no, more like fearing) a few figurative sharks in my (blog) waters for several weeks. And, y'all, I got myself so worked up, I came this close to making #4 in that list up there a reality. (Except make it say "stop writing the blog" and not "stop going on vacations.") I was this close. 

Yet, here I am. Not doing #4.

Random photo of Dewi sleeping through an earthquake, apparently lying in a puddle of his own slobber.

And you know why? Because I befriended them. The sharks in my blog waters. Yep, turns out I like sharks. If they were giant octopuses, or spiny lobsters, I'd probably like them too. Because if I didn't, why the frell would I have written them into my blog waters? This is not a TV show and I am not Fonzie! It doesn't matter if I jump a shark, because I'm a creative writer, and writing about sharky stuff makes me happy! What I need to do is stop worrying that other people will disapprove of my shark-jumping skills. (Which, I suppose, are passable, since neither I nor the blog are dead yet.) 

So, no, this is not the blog it was three years ago. That's OK (I affirm to myself). I'm not the same writer, or person, for that matter. And maybe next week? I'll be chasing alligators in Australia. Who knows! 

Random photo of Bobby Flay sleeping inside Youngest Child's summer camp bag, while I was trying to pack it.

Please Cut the Corny Metaphors and Tell Me What the Heck This Has to Do With Anything!

Fine. Here's what you should take away (if you're still reading):

• On this blog, there will be more Tacky Cardigans. And some litter box anecdotes, with a splash of product review. Oh, and I changed my 15-year-old cat's name - you'll hear about that. And the handmade purse I'm getting with Dewi's likeness on it...OMG! SO adorable! Oh, and the pet-assisted meditation tutorial...just for starters.
• Me telling you that Jon Farleigh just rolled over on his back next to my foot, which means either 1) he wants a snack, 2) he has to pee/poo, or 3) he wants a belly rub. At the moment, I believe he needs to poo. Hold on, I'll be back....OK, I'm  back. They both had to pee and poo. But Jon Farleigh just flopped over again. [insert belly rub]
• This blog is not subject to Nielsen ratings, nor does it have stockholders who give a rip. 
• You need to subscribe by email (see upper right sidebar) to this blog. Please do this. 
• Sharks are largely misunderstood.

This would be where I might write "The End," except IT ISN'T! BECAUSE LOOK!

I met Pixar stars, Dug and Russell, at Animal Kingdom in Orlando, Florida! On my way to Mt. Everest (there was a Yeti, and I nearly died, but that's not relevant right now)!

This, friends, is one hard-working professional dog handler (slash) celebrity body guard. 

Dug likes to rub on walls. Who knew?

I was one happy camper (get it?), despite my inner wondering whether Dug and Russell were secretly female. I don't know how to edit that stripe out of the photo.

I will never wash (nor tape off) that outfit again. 

Russell picked his nose and tried to put his finger on my shirt right before this scene.  I told him he had crossed the line. He just looked at me and smiled. 

Hey, you think it's too late for me to change the title of this post? Yeah, never mind. 

P.S. I still have to tell you about (and show you) the stingrays. REAL live Southern stingrays that I met and interacted with in the Bahamas. Later...

The Preemptive Post to Assure You Chronicles of Cardigan Has Not Been Canceled

Not canceled. On a two-week hiatus, beginning August 11.

The writer will be on vacation. The actors (at least the two canines, who receive payment directly from me -- in the form of delicious food and occasional "business" travel to "exotic" locations, like Cardi parties and dog-friendly festivals), well, they'll be having a different sort of adventure, at home, with the family members who would rather sit at home than go on a vacation with me. [insert me being as baffled as you are ☺]

Anyway, the blog is gonna be quiet for a few more consecutive days than is typical. The places I'm going are not work-friendly. In other words, there will be no work (which includes anything tied to a keyboard). It's been a long, looong time coming.

However, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE BLOG! Although it'll be as quiet as an uninhabited house, it'll be left in perfectly capable paws: JON FARLEIGH and DEWI'S! And the boys have proven - on several occasions - to have sound watch dog instincts, as illustrated below.

Would you enter this house?

How about now?

Note: Cuteness can be deceptive.

Sometimes, even, a cat will step in as back-up.

Which technically means they passively supervise.

In particularly harrowing circumstances, though, the cats have the training to go it alone.

Heaven help the poor chap who tries to raid my blog, should it come down to this.

Oh, and in case any of you remember waaay back to that ONE TIME, when the dogs sneaked onto my blog in the night and changed some stuff around...

...well, I can assure you that won't happen again. They know better.

I video taped them being caught in the act.


How shameful. 

So, yes indeed, friends, I'm confident everything will be just as I left it upon my return in a couple weeks! I'll see you all on the other side, OK? Be good!

P.S. I have 608 published posts in this blog's archives. That means, if you'd like to read something, or see some adorable pet photos, you needn't wait for my return. 

P.P.S. You might see me on Twitter and/or Instagram and/or Tumblr, during the hiatus, but rarely, and maybe not until the second week. I don't include pressing my phone's keypad as work. Not all the time, anyway. ☺