[Sound Siren] Special Canine Weather Bulletin...Hurricane Joaquin Edition

Good evening. Jon Farleigh and Dewi here with a special weather bulletin.

As you might know from other, less canine news sources, we (along with millions of other East Coast dogs) are sitting here like rubber ducks, waiting for the uninvited arrival passing of that jerkface Joaquin.

Hurricane #Joaquin watch. pic.twitter.com/uEsGCQNMOp

— Flama (@theFlama) September 30, 2015

[Begin interruption]

Me (from off camera): BOYS?

Boys: Yeah, ma?

Me: Hurricane Joaquin is not that man. It's not a man at all; it's a storm. The picture is a joke.

Boys: Like us in these raincoats?

Me: JK! Hurricane Joaquin is TOTALLY that man!

Boys: Uh, oh kay?

[End interruption]

Geez, how rude. *sigh*
So, where were we? Oh, yeah...JOAQUIN! So he's like this big giant man-head way out in the ocean, and he's swimming north and, as many of you know, is expected to pass right by where a bunch of us live, making this HUGE wake and splashes that might rain down on top of us and the mountains and make the rivers and stuff overflow. See?

And all this commotion and splashing is making all the humans scramble to buy all the bread, milk, eggs, ice and batteries within a million miles, because the peeps are worrying about THIS:

So, we would just like to remind you (so that you do not worry about our stubby-legged selves AND can take immediate precautions - as needed - for your own whatever-sized-legged selves) that we are prepared with our (previously published at Richmond Pet Lovers.com)...

EMERGENCY 24-HOUR DOG'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING A POWER OUTAGE*.

Please also take note that in the event we have to use this guide, we will also be working part-time as human foot warmers.

Please refer to your other (less canine) news sources for current inclement weather information.

* Our power outage survival guide has only been tested one time, on us, and might not be entirely appropriate for your current electrical (or life) situation. Does not apply to cats. 

Dewi, why does your jacket seem like it repels water better than mine?

Because, bro, I'm Batman.

☺

Be safe, y'all! (For real! Be prepared; flooding is NO joke.)

Notes:

• The Hurricane Sandy version of this canine weather bulletin was published previously.
• Apologies to Joaquin Phoenix.
• To the beautiful people of the Bahamas, who will surely suffer great loss due to this storm, you are in our hearts and prayers. 

(Besides the Obvious) 5 Reasons I'm Happy to to Be Home From the BlogPaws Conference

For the most part, conferences (especially when they're in popular vacation spots, like Las Vegas and Nashville, for example) are fun. So much fun, in fact, that I need about three days to recover after returning home. 

(Note: Recover = sleep and minimal mental exertion = for example, {to child} "No, I can't drive you to X place at 8 a.m." and {to husband} "Sorry, but am I going to have to actually get up, get dressed and talk to the irrigation people when they get here? Or will they just remember what you told them on the phone, do all the work and leave quietly?")

The good news is that it's been three days since I returned home from the BlogPaws Pet Blogger and Social Media conference in Nashville, TN, so I'm refreshed and raring to put to use some of the many things I learned! The bad news? I have to deep clean my whole house in preparation for events surrounding my daughter's graduation from high school this weekend, so those ambitions will have to wait until next week. (Also, yes, I am aware that it's almost Friday, which doesn't give me a lot of time for chores. Let's just say the "deep" in "deep clean" is relative.☺)

That's me, walking the red carpet before the BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards gala. My blog was a finalist in two categories: Best Blog Design and Best Humor Blog. I did not win.**  I was, however, awarded a certificate of excellence for my blog's About page.
image courtesy BlogPaws and bybecka.com

Here is the full, live-streamed Nose-to-Nose Awards ceremony, if you care to see it. The video will start (I'm sorry, I'm just so thrilled my little blog was mentioned, I had to cut it right to the chase!) where the Best (pet blog) About Page is announced.

But back to BlogPaws for a bit: Holy dog and cat, what a flipping good time! There is so much I could say about the learning (in acclaimed author and Vietnam veteran, Lon Hodge, aka "Mr. Gander's" creative writing session, titled, The Raccoons Stole My Peanut Butter; award-winning writer and blogger, Maggie Marton's authenticity in writing session; and the Web-building genius, Jill Caren's advanced SEO session, just to name a few places). But, I won't - because I'd bore you and you'd leave, and I don't want you to leave because I have an important list for you to read. (In only 3.5 more minutes, I promise!)

And, don't even get me started on the fantastic people (I can't name them all, so I won't even try. If I talked to you at the conference, consider yourself included. Except for that one person who looked at me like I was a five-headed alien...KIDDING! No one looked me that way {not to my face, anyway})! ☺ 

Then there were all the pets...oh my gosh, SO many (besides my own, who were chilling at home)! Here's just a small sample (shot with my cell phone). 

So this is Adorable Sleeping Foster Kitten (I don't know his real name, nor who was holding him, because I was running. If someone else knows, please let me know in comments so I can correct!)

And here we have the lovely (and terribly modest) Luna and her mama, Jessica S. (fellow Virginians, I will add), from the budget-conscious and DIY dog-blog, Beagles and Bargains. 

(Nope, I am not sh^tting you.☺) Any Instagram-ers out there? If so, you might recognise Priscilla here! She and her bro, Poppleton (who is smooshed down in the stroller beside her), the mini-pigs are BIG Instagram stars, with nearly half a MILLION followers! (@prissy_pig) (I still can't believe I saw these two at the conference.)

And last, but not least, for Corgi Nation...

This is the lovely Eve Corgi Coulter (aka "VP of Princessology"), who, along with her brother, Ty Coulter, are the stars of the popular blog and Facebook page, Corgilicious! (Miss Eve was the ONLY corgi at the conference, and meeting her made my whole day!)

Y'all, this was my fourth BlogPaws conference, and let me tell you, it takes massive will-power (and practice, I've learned) to get anything "serious" accomplished with all the critters running around! And they are all so well-behaved!

Do you wanna know a secret? I started pining for Jon Farleigh, Dewi and (most of) my cats by the second night. Yep. Turns out it's hard for me to sleep un-cramped in a queen bed, in relative silence (relative to the humming of the kitchen exhaust fan, just beyond the balcony). So even though I had a wonderful time in Nashville (including getting out on the town for a day), it was really good to get home to my furry family (and, I suppose, the un-furry family, too). ☺

That's not all. I've realized, this week, a few other (less-obvious) reasons I'm happy to be home, too. Perhaps you can relate. 

5 Less-Obvious Reasons I'm Happy to Be Home From the BlogPaws Conference

1. No more loneliness in the bathroom! Seriously. I never know how much I appreciate furry potty-time companionship until I'm without it for a stretch. 

2. (And speaking of potty-time...) REGULARITY! As in, it's back! (Can someone please tell me what it is about not being able to go when one is away from home? Especially when one has a roommate? I mean, it's not like (in my own experience) I eat any less, or fewer fiber-rich foods (I might even eat more fiber), or that I'm actively trying to will off the urge for several days straight - it just simply DOES NOT HAPPEN. But when I'm home? {hurry! insert mental image of baby foxes in a hollowed out log, to cancel out the other...image of a baby panda in a bamboo thicket!}

3. Less-than-casual Fridays are back! OK, less-than-casual ALL the days! (Less-than-casual = pajamas or too-embarrassing-for-even-the-grocery-store sweats. Oh, and no makeup.) Hoorah!

4. (Here's one that many of us probably take for granted...) I'm the best blogger in the room! (I'm just saying, there should be an award for that. And if you're NOT a blogger? Well, just insert whatever it is that you ARE: freelance writer, mom, bookkeeper, painter, 900# phone operator, WHATEVER! If you're the only one in the room, you're the BEST! ☺

5. And, finally (this one is pretty confined to my personal situation, I have to say), 99.42% confidence (after all the learning I did in the advanced SEO class at BlogPaws) that NO ONE is going to find this blog post through a Google search! (.58% of me is still hopeful that someone will look up "SHY BOWELS WHEN AWAY FROM HOME + BLOGPAWS," because then, I win! Woo!) 

And to Dorothy...you were right: There's no place like home! (♪♪ Dun dun dun dun dun...dun dun dun! ♪♪)

OK, what did I leave off the list, you guys? Anything? Did you go to BlogPaws (or any other conference, ever)? Why are you glad to be home?

* BlogPaws '16 is going to be in Phoenix, AZ! Will you be there, too? 

** The Nose-to-Nose award for Best Blog Design went to Jessica W. and You Did What With Your Wiener. The award for Best Pet Humor Blog went to Jennifer C. and My Brown Newfies & Me. If you haven't already, check them out!

Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Common Sayings Taken the Wrong Way: Pet Peeve

Have you ever sat down and thought about all the sayings we American English-speakers use that if taken literally (or even just the wrong way), could make a person unversed in the vernacular, wonder how hard we must have hit our heads when we fell off the turnip truck? I mean, why we say such nonsense?

Well, I do. And, to tell you the truth, I can't believe how many sayings I use that flat-out don't make any sense. And worse, if someone pressed me about why I say them, or where the expressions originated, I'd just have to stand there scratching my head. (Like, how do I know? I wasn't born back then!) Think about it. Isn't it weird? How we do this all day, and never stop to question the sensibility of the words coming out of our mouths? Or whether there's a different way of saying what we mean?

Like how, for example, do I "fly by the seat of my pants" to go anywhere? I mean, what does that even mean - fly by the seat of my pants? Because the image I'm getting is that of an invisible hook in the sky that dangles people by the belt loops, and then, whirls them around like Dumbo's on a Disney theme park ride. But, what happens after that? When the "newbie" gets more seasoned at whatever the heck it is they're doing? Does a flying carpet whiz in and take over? Then maybe a hang-glider? Until, finally, they've mastered the thing and get to ride in a plane, only to willingly jump out with nothing but a parachute to break their fall back to the hard ground? NOPE! NOT ME! I'd just assume not ever do anything remotely new and difficult again!

Fly by the seat of my pants, huh. What a stupid thing to do!

I'm no Dumb-o! Just leave me on the ground, thanks!
via insidethemagic.net

{Insert pause here. Count off: one second, two seconds, three seconds, four seconds...}

I'm sure I was trying to make a point with all that blather...oh yes! Pet peeve*! Have you ever wondered why exactly we use those specific words for this particular thing we're trying to convey? Like, why "pet" and why "peeve"? So, OK. I know a peeve is something annoying, but why do we, then, call the MOST annoying thing possible to us, our PET? Isn't that another way of saying it's our favorite, or worse, most beloved annoying thing? But, that doesn't even make sense! How freaking annoying!

* Grammar nerds may click here and/or here for the definition of "pet peeve" and here and/or here for its origin/etymology. (By the way, the experts can't even completely agree on this "pet peeve" stuff. So, tell me, how the heck are we commoners supposed to explain what it means to someone who doesn't speak English as a first language?! Also, why do dogs dig to China? And, why have I, on purpose, just bunched up my own panties? Don't answer that!☺)

AHEM

Alright. So, I've established that "pet peeve" is a weird combination of words. Hold on to that thought for a minute...

A couple weeks ago, I decided to scoop up Jon Farleigh (he's 37 lbs.-light) and dance around the kitchen (it was Mother's Day weekend and I was feeling extra happy**; haven't you ever spontaneously grabbed your pet for a dance?). One of my kids grudgingly took some pictures. Yes, she did, and, it turns out - from her vantage point - Jon wasn't feeling the joy quite as much as I was. (Though, to me, the back of his head sure did look adorable - bobbing up and down to the beat.) I'm not sure what he was feeling, truthfully, but when I saw this particular photo, just two words sprang to mind.

Now, this? This definition of "pet peeve," I can explain.  ☺

What's your most beloved annoying expression? Have you even thought about it before today? Does your dog or cat like to dance with you? (Don't lie. hehe)

** I was extra happy, listening to this LunchMoney Lewis tune my kids found for me. I dare you not to dance. 

Classic Cardigan: I Just Ruined the Most Adorable Wordless Wednesday With a Butt Crack Story

The dog made me do it. 

Preface: The first time I published this story (on a Wednesday), "Wordless Wednesday" was in the title; "butt crack," however, was not. Also, #TongueOutTuesday was not a thing back then. If it had been, I wouldn't have ruined #WordlessWednesday (nope, I would've ruined #TongueOutTuesday instead).

Oh, and also:

#DidYouKnow? The scientific name for butt crack (two words) is intergluteal cleft. Yep, said Google AND Wikipedia. http://t.co/Qw7D8FFS99

— Elizabeth Keene (@ChroniclesCardi) May 12, 2015

"Intergluteal cleft" was too long to put in the blog title. (If you were following me on Twitter, you'd know this kind of trivia before the general population. Just saying.)

<end of preface>

Don't you hate it when you bend over to pat a friendly dog out in public and your pants (both under and outer) ride down to where the sun don't (naturally) shine?! Oh my gosh, I do too! Especially when my spouse tells me about it AFTER the fact. Like this one time...


I did it. I finally got photographic proof of a pet (of mine) with her tongue partway out. 

Anyone know why dogs and cats do this sometimes - forget to put their tongues back in? I mean, I think I'd notice if my tongue was sticking partway out. Wouldn't you? Of course, there was this one time (last weekend) when I showed half my butt to some innocent bystanders at the dog mall. (Not on purpose, OK? I'd bent way over to pet a happy westie.) Never mind that the victims were a sweet older couple from my church. Anyway, the point is, I didn't know I'd mooned them until after they'd walked away, because my spouse - who'd witnessed the whole thing, in helpless, humored bewilderment - told me so.

I swear I didn't notice when it happened - not even the slightest breeze! And, you can count on this: I will NEVER again exclaim behind a girlfriend's back, "That hussy totally knows half her @ss is hanging out the top of her pants! Sheesh, what is wrong with people?! And trade that thong for some granny panties while you're at it!" Nope, you'll never hear such ugliness from me again. 

Furthermore, why hasn't anyone invented an "alarm" to prevent this kind of thing yet? Like something one can clip to the inside of one's waistband, that delivers a harmless electric shock whenever there's a change in brightness and/or temperature in the cheek-al area? Let's see that on Shark Tank and then, on QVC! Wouldn't you buy one? Oh, come on, humor me, people! 

Well, fine, go on and be that way! Here, just look at these adorable pictures of my sweet Tigger with her tongue poking out!

This is so cute, I've just gotta squee! ♥

Now please, have a great day. And remember, crack kills!

Classic Literary Cardigan: Sheercrock Holmes and the Curious Stench

Note: This three-scene farce, based on a real-life event in my life (from 2012), is rated G for Gross. All readers who are not in the 8(to)11-year-old boy demographic should use discretion. 

Sheercrock Holmes and the Curious Stench

** Scene One **

Holmes (ahem, me) encounters a powerful stench upon entering her bedroom (which is adjacent to the bathroom that contains Maddox's litter box).

[grimaces and throws hands - open palms forward - in front of her face, as if to block an invisible perp from further olfactory assault]

"OOHHHH! OH GAH! [gags] WHAT'S THAT SMELLL??!" (knowing full well the smell is wafting from a pile of Maddox's prescription canned food-reeking cat poop)

[makes way back to litter box, careful to breathe only through her mouth]

What Holmes expected to find (but didn't)
Note: Hershey is code for poop.

"Well, at least he covered it this time," she snarked, noting the mound of litter in the center of the box.

[uses scoop to sift through litter]

"Hmmm. That's funny. Where the heck is it? [sifts again] So weird. Could he (Maddox) just have really smelly gas??"

(Where the flip is the hershey?!)

[sifts through last square inch of litter and after finding nothing, looks up and sees she has an audience]

Jon Farleigh: Whatcha doin' over there, ma?

Dewi: Oh hai, ma! When you're done with the sandbox, will you throw the rope to me?

[gasps and clutches chest - having remembered overhearing from the kitchen, about an hour earlier, Dewi and Middle Child playing the bouncy, bark-on-the-bed game. AND, that Jon Farleigh (her "shadow") had been conspicuously missing from the room]

"OH NO, YOU DIDN'T!" she cried, fairly convinced that Maddox had, in fact, NOT covered his poop, and that one of the dogs (while in the bedroom with Middle Child earlier) had helped himself to a "chocolaty" snack. 

[gags]

Maddox: I feel a quarter-pound lighter this morning, and you?

"OH, NOOO! That's DISGUSTING! EWWW! [gags] Oh, go play somewhere else; you're both (not knowing for sure which one had done it) INFECTED! Ohhh! Aghh! Uhhhhhhh." [gags]

** Scene Two ** 

About 20 minutes later, Holmes and Youngest Child are having a casual conversation in Holmes' "office."

 H: "If you ever see or hear a corgi messing around in my bathroom, PLEASE, run him off! I'm pretty sure one of them ate a pile of Maddox's poop this morning."

YC: "EWWWW! [becomes pensive]

Mommy?"

H: "Yes."

YC: [in all seriousness] "When a dog eats cat poop, does it go through their stomach and come back out as cat poop?"

H: [chokes back a giggle] "Oh no, no. That's a good question, though, buddy. No, it gets digested [cringes] and comes back out as dog poop. It might upset the dog's stomach a little. [scowls] But, I hope not this time." [sighs]

** Scene Three ** 

About an hour later, Holmes is in her bathroom milling around, with Jon Farleigh hovering close to her feet. (Note: Dewi is in another room at the other end of the house.)

Jon Farleigh: Pull my finger?

[suddenly realizes a foul stench - distinctly similar to that of Maddox's poop - has permeated the bathroom]

"OOHHHH! OH GAH! [gags] REALLY?! [looks around for the cat and at the empty litter box]

But, he's not in here. What the...?!"

It's elementary. Jon Farleigh is busted. 

"OH, GROSS, JON FARLEIGH! 

It was YOU who ate the cat poop! You sneaked in here earlier while Dewi was making all that noise on the bed! YOU did it, because your fart smells like Maddox's poo! The fork, Jon?! So FOUL!" [dry heaves]

THE END

*****

Psst, hey you. Yeah, you out there on the internets. Will you throw me a rope? Please?

Disclosure: This post is not sponsored by, nor endorsed by the folks who make Hershey's chocolates. But if you feel like eating some chocolate, and it happens to be the Hershey's kind, I'm sure no one will mind! Mmm, chocolate...

STOP the Madness! It's Time for Affirmations and Meditation With Maddox (My Thumbed Cat)

Note: Neither I, nor Maddox, are certified meditation instructors. Frankly, we don't know what the heck we're doing. This is a parody. That said, we dare you not to smile.

Welcome, friends! It's been a tough go of it (your day, life, endeavor to become a professional magician, etc.) and we want to help! Do you have three minutes (of course you do; you're on the internet looking at social media)? Yay! Let's meditate for a bit. But before we start, here are a few helpful hints:

1. Sit down. If you can't sit (because you're standing in a subway, for example), for dear life, tether yourself to something, so you don't doze off and fall on something sharp! (Note: You won't doze off. Unless you're on the toilet, in which case, I hope you doze off, and your reading device falls in. Because ew! That's just wrong.)
2. Imagine you're sitting beside a picturesque waterfall, NOT Niagara Falls, though. Too violent.
3. Get over any issues you might have with giant tabby cats who have thumbs. Especially old ones named Maddox, with crooked whiskers and eyes slightly cocked. Maddox and his paws are a gift to stressed humans. Trust me.

Alright, you're almost there! To start, Maddox will say several affirmations directly to you (feel free to read them out loud; no one will care), and then he'll lead you through some calming imagery. Ready?! OK, shhhh....

affirmations

The sun is shining through your window and through your heart.

Today you will take one step toward your dreams.

Snacks make you smile.

You feel a deep connection with your feet.

Today you will be pleasantly surprised.

You are in a state of pure joy.

You are grateful for your breath, no matter how bad it might smell.

You are a calm airplane passenger.

You look for humor and fun in as many situations as possible.

Meditation is calming and will help you not have road rage.

meditation

And now, repeat the word "catnip" while viewing the following photos (and remember to breathe).

catnip

catnip

catnip

catnip

catnip

{Now, do that again, in reverse.}

end of session

Please use caution not to stumble while exiting, and have a pleasant day. ☺

Note: Maddox will not accept money.

Bonus Sound Effects

Maddox is a former shelter cat. We adopted him in 2012 from the Richmond SPCA. He was nine years old and on a prescription diet to maintain his urinary tract health. He is a polydactyl, and my soul man.

11 Unexpected Ways Living With Dogs Is Like Living With Babies (Plus 1 About Cats)

You don't have to have a baby to know what it's like to live with a baby. How can I say this, you ask? Because I've had both babies and dogs. Three of each, in fact. And I'm telling you, if you want to know at least a modicum of what babies are like (without having your own), get a dog. And if you've had both? See if you don't agree!

Note: I can think of way more than 11 similarities, but for the sake of your attention span, I prioritized the less expected ones. (Portions of this list were previously published here.)


11 Unexpected Ways Living With Dogs is Like Living With Babies

1. A formed BM (after a sustained period of "unformed" BMs, aka horrible, explosive sh^t that necessitates a bath/shower/laundry/or infected item(s) thrown - using tongs and rubber gloves - in the outside garbage) is cause for loud celebration.
(Because one hasn't fully experienced parenthood until needing to cut the infected onesie off one's baby, or throw Fluffy's entire L.L. Bean (for example) dog bed in the trash.)

Soft, warm pretzel, anyone?

2. Leaving the house with either (baby or dog) requires one to tote an ample supply of plastic poo receptacles, both of which - when loaded - are like toxic hot potatoes, and must be thrown far, far away, to avoid olfactory assault, dry heaves and perceived ridicule from random passers-by.

Same sh*#, different butt.

3. They both eat crayons. Which makes for colorful #2.

4. Sometimes, they need a pacifier to satisfy their oral fixations.

5. Even though the toilet is only 5 feet (or less) away, they throw up on the floor/bed/you.

6. They make accessorizing outfits a breeze.

7. Extended periods of blissful silence, somehow, always end up as nature's way of getting you back for being selfish and inattentive. 

8. They enjoy the taste of furniture.

You know the saying: "Your face will freeze that way!"
(It won't, but don't tell any dogs or babies, OK?)

Image courtesy: My Parents
 (yes, it's me; I might not have actually eaten the table,
but I could have.)

9. They like to eat food off the floor. And if you have BOTH dogs and babies (or cats and babies, for that matter), they'll eat EACH OTHER'S food off the floor. 

Source: Bored Panda

10. For entirely different reasons, you'll want to nibble their feet.

And, lastly (because I can't resist, and I certainly wouldn't want you to think having dogs and/or babies is a bad thing), one AWESOME way living with dogs is like living with babies...

11. Their mega-watt smiles might make you melt into a quivering pile of goo!

The resemblance* is uncanny, don't you think?

* Really? You think 6-month-old me looks like Jon Farleigh? (wink)

*****

Wait! You know what? Living with cats is like living with babies, too. Yeah, they can't keep their clothes/shoes/vital accessories on for 5 minutes!

See what I mean?

Darn cat. ☺


So for anyone else out there who's had experience with both dogs (and/or cats) and babies, got anything to add to the list?