Classic Cardigan: I Just Ruined the Most Adorable Wordless Wednesday With a Butt Crack Story

The dog made me do it. 

Preface: The first time I published this story (on a Wednesday), "Wordless Wednesday" was in the title; "butt crack," however, was not. Also, #TongueOutTuesday was not a thing back then. If it had been, I wouldn't have ruined #WordlessWednesday (nope, I would've ruined #TongueOutTuesday instead).

Oh, and also:

#DidYouKnow? The scientific name for butt crack (two words) is intergluteal cleft. Yep, said Google AND Wikipedia. http://t.co/Qw7D8FFS99

— Elizabeth Keene (@ChroniclesCardi) May 12, 2015

"Intergluteal cleft" was too long to put in the blog title. (If you were following me on Twitter, you'd know this kind of trivia before the general population. Just saying.)

<end of preface>

Don't you hate it when you bend over to pat a friendly dog out in public and your pants (both under and outer) ride down to where the sun don't (naturally) shine?! Oh my gosh, I do too! Especially when my spouse tells me about it AFTER the fact. Like this one time...


I did it. I finally got photographic proof of a pet (of mine) with her tongue partway out. 

Anyone know why dogs and cats do this sometimes - forget to put their tongues back in? I mean, I think I'd notice if my tongue was sticking partway out. Wouldn't you? Of course, there was this one time (last weekend) when I showed half my butt to some innocent bystanders at the dog mall. (Not on purpose, OK? I'd bent way over to pet a happy westie.) Never mind that the victims were a sweet older couple from my church. Anyway, the point is, I didn't know I'd mooned them until after they'd walked away, because my spouse - who'd witnessed the whole thing, in helpless, humored bewilderment - told me so.

I swear I didn't notice when it happened - not even the slightest breeze! And, you can count on this: I will NEVER again exclaim behind a girlfriend's back, "That hussy totally knows half her @ss is hanging out the top of her pants! Sheesh, what is wrong with people?! And trade that thong for some granny panties while you're at it!" Nope, you'll never hear such ugliness from me again. 

Furthermore, why hasn't anyone invented an "alarm" to prevent this kind of thing yet? Like something one can clip to the inside of one's waistband, that delivers a harmless electric shock whenever there's a change in brightness and/or temperature in the cheek-al area? Let's see that on Shark Tank and then, on QVC! Wouldn't you buy one? Oh, come on, humor me, people! 

Well, fine, go on and be that way! Here, just look at these adorable pictures of my sweet Tigger with her tongue poking out!

This is so cute, I've just gotta squee! ♥

Now please, have a great day. And remember, crack kills!

11 Unexpected Ways Living With Dogs Is Like Living With Babies (Plus 1 About Cats)

You don't have to have a baby to know what it's like to live with a baby. How can I say this, you ask? Because I've had both babies and dogs. Three of each, in fact. And I'm telling you, if you want to know at least a modicum of what babies are like (without having your own), get a dog. And if you've had both? See if you don't agree!

Note: I can think of way more than 11 similarities, but for the sake of your attention span, I prioritized the less expected ones. (Portions of this list were previously published here.)


11 Unexpected Ways Living With Dogs is Like Living With Babies

1. A formed BM (after a sustained period of "unformed" BMs, aka horrible, explosive sh^t that necessitates a bath/shower/laundry/or infected item(s) thrown - using tongs and rubber gloves - in the outside garbage) is cause for loud celebration.
(Because one hasn't fully experienced parenthood until needing to cut the infected onesie off one's baby, or throw Fluffy's entire L.L. Bean (for example) dog bed in the trash.)

Soft, warm pretzel, anyone?

2. Leaving the house with either (baby or dog) requires one to tote an ample supply of plastic poo receptacles, both of which - when loaded - are like toxic hot potatoes, and must be thrown far, far away, to avoid olfactory assault, dry heaves and perceived ridicule from random passers-by.

Same sh*#, different butt.

3. They both eat crayons. Which makes for colorful #2.

4. Sometimes, they need a pacifier to satisfy their oral fixations.

5. Even though the toilet is only 5 feet (or less) away, they throw up on the floor/bed/you.

6. They make accessorizing outfits a breeze.

7. Extended periods of blissful silence, somehow, always end up as nature's way of getting you back for being selfish and inattentive. 

8. They enjoy the taste of furniture.

You know the saying: "Your face will freeze that way!"
(It won't, but don't tell any dogs or babies, OK?)

Image courtesy: My Parents
 (yes, it's me; I might not have actually eaten the table,
but I could have.)

9. They like to eat food off the floor. And if you have BOTH dogs and babies (or cats and babies, for that matter), they'll eat EACH OTHER'S food off the floor. 

Source: Bored Panda

10. For entirely different reasons, you'll want to nibble their feet.

And, lastly (because I can't resist, and I certainly wouldn't want you to think having dogs and/or babies is a bad thing), one AWESOME way living with dogs is like living with babies...

11. Their mega-watt smiles might make you melt into a quivering pile of goo!

The resemblance* is uncanny, don't you think?

* Really? You think 6-month-old me looks like Jon Farleigh? (wink)

*****

Wait! You know what? Living with cats is like living with babies, too. Yeah, they can't keep their clothes/shoes/vital accessories on for 5 minutes!

See what I mean?

Darn cat. ☺


So for anyone else out there who's had experience with both dogs (and/or cats) and babies, got anything to add to the list?

8 Obvious Reasons Why Dogs Sit on Cats [With BONUS Video]

If you've lived dangerously* - as I have - perhaps you've witnessed it: a dog backing up to a cat and resting his entire backside (usually with tail in the upright position, thereby, fully exposing the butthole) directly over the cat's face. Or, if his aim is off (as my dogs' usually is, because they're corgis, and have limited clearance between their butts and the floor), on the flat part of the cat's side, as if sitting on a back-less futon.

It's quite a sight to behold, actually. Not so much the act of sitting on the cat, but that, in many cases, the cat either a) seems to enjoy it, or b) is momentarily paralyzed from shock, and therefore, just lies there motionless, and allows you to take several photos and/or video.

Now, I realize many of you haven't lived as dangerously* as I, which is why I've curated this collection of my own photos**, plus a compilation video (of someone else's dogs and cats). I think you'll find it (the collection) educational.

* By dangerously, I mean, there's a flock*** of pets in my house. 
*** Flock = at least 3 broken vacuums in 4 years.
** Previously published.

What? Is there something stuck on my fur?

Yeah, I'm thinking that's gonna leave a skid mark. 

Speaking of educational, it occurred to me a few hours ago, that there must be a good reason why dogs get the urge to just sit on a cat. I doubt anyone has ever done a scientific study on that, though (who'd fund one?), so I didn't bother wasting my time on Google. I was, however - using personal anecdotal evidence - able to brainstorm a few reasons of my own. They all seemed obvious, I might add. See if you agree.

8 Reasons Why Dogs Sit on Cats

1. to dominate them
2. to humiliate them
3. to retaliate against them
4. they think it's funny
5. they're emotionally immature (might be redundant)
6. chairs are too hard against their hard dog buns
7. they thought you gave the command, "sit on a cat," when you actually mumbled, "go to your mat"
8. they heard your command perfectly, but sat on the cat because it was softer than their mat. 

So? Think I'm in the ballpark? Can you think of any other reason(s)? Does anyone want to sponsor a scientific study? 

Wait! Before you decide whether to sponsor the study, check out this (hilarious) video compilation!
P.S. Do not be alarmed. Sometimes the cat sits on the dog, too. Those instances would NOT be included in the study.

Post by Huffington Post UK.

So, how about now? Think I should set up crowdsourcing to fund a study? Yeah, me neither.

Might as well check for bedbugs while I'm down here...

Kitty Shita (an Unoriginal Ditty So Bad, You'll Want to Hide It From Small Children)

Because it's my blog, and I can.

Note: "Shita" is pronounced she-tah, like cheetah, or pita. In a sentence (using a bad Italian accent): I wonder whether the cheetah, who ate the pita, covers up her shita. 

By Patrick Bolduan from Tokyo, Japan (Outhouse) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

This post (inspired earlier this week by my cats) is dedicated to all the living beings who poo indoors. Those who poo outdoors, or who are olfactorally (is that a word?) challenged, can feel free to make up their own ditty.

(As for the meter, if you were alive and hearing when you were seven, spent any time on an elementary school bus or playground, and know your way around a baseball diamond, you'll recognize it* in a flash.

FYI: I wanted to do this to the tune of the 80s rap hit Bust a Move, but who has that kind of time? Plus, the verse with "yellow" in it kept throwing me off-topic.)

Caution! The following words, when read in time, and in rapid succession, might trigger an earworm infestation in those who are susceptible. Proceed with caution.

Kitty Shita

I was walking through the door, when it (the stench) knocked me to the floor.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!



With horror in my eyes, I croaked, "OMG! Did something die?!"
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

What the frell could she have eaten, to make her turds so flocking stinkin'?
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

There's irony in being fastidious, when your GI tract is so insidious.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

How can you be so tiny, and harbor demons in your hiney?
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

~~~~~

[insert 15-second pause for drum solo and break dancing...
...3, 2, 1...]

~~~~~

You dug a crater in which to deposit it, took a dump, but failed to cover it.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

You might think it's stupid, but you don't have to scoop it.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!


Company's coming - they'll be here soon; spray Febreze in every room!
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!




And one more thing...

Should you be inclined to judge, I suggest you take a whiff of your own fudge.
Kitty shita! Kitty shita!

***

So, who wants some chocolate?! I have all kinds of it (Milk Duds, Whoppers, Hershey bars, Reese's...) waiting for the trick-or-treaters, and I'm sure I have some to spare! 



OK, maybe next time. 

* The name of the original ditty (author unknown), that we ALL sang in elementary school, is "Diarrhea." If you don't know it, message me privately and I'll get you the words. Hint: If you slide into home and feel a little foam, it's, well, you know. 

Guess what?! I googled "words that rhyme with diarrhea" today! ☺☺ (There are a butt load of them.)

Also, you might be interested to know that I had a few alternate titles for my ditty (all rhyming with diarrhea, of course):
<> Digested Chia
<> Brown Urea
<> Fudge Tortilla

Oh, and if the dogs had written a ditty on the same subject, it would've been called, "Somebody's Bakin' Cookies; Gotta Get 'Em While They're Warm!"

There would be no other words to their song. 

OK, that's all. Feel free to write your own verse to the ditty and leave it in comments! 

"Hey, did somebody say kitty shita?"

P.S. There might be a (highly unconventional) cat litter/box review in your future. Think of this as the prequel. 

Tacky Cardigan: What the Ground Might Say to a Dog - Baseball Edition

Have you ever thought about how much abuse the ground takes? Especially from dogs? Wonder what it might say, if it could talk? What's that? Only whack-o's wonder about such things? OK, I'll give you that.

Also, I'm really sorry. You'll know why momentarily.

Anyone going to see a baseball game this weekend? ☺

Note: I know full well that no baseball diamond ever entertained a game in the snow. It was the only picture I had, OK? And I took it by accident last winter. Whack-o and sick-o are not synonymous!  

Want me to consider a photo of your pet(s) for a tacky cardigan? (hehe, I bet you do! not!) Just post it to the Facebook or Tumblr page!

7 Unexpected Ways Living With Dogs Is Like Living With Babies

Based on my personal experience, having had three of each (dogs and babies). For the record, I came up with a whole page of hand-written ways; these are just a few of the less obvious ones.

1. A formed BM (after a sustained period of "unformed" BMs, aka horrible, explosive s#^t that necessitates a bath/shower/laundry/or infected item(s) thrown--using tongs and rubber gloves--in the outside garbage) is cause for loud celebration.

Soft, warm pretzel, anyone?

2. Leaving the house with either (baby or dog) requires one to tote an ample supply of plastic poo receptacles, both of which--when loaded--are like toxic hot potatoes, and must be thrown far, far away, to avoid olfactory assault, dry heaves and perceived ridicule from random passers-by.

Same sh*#, different butt.

3. They both eat crayons. Which makes for colorful #2.

4. Sometimes, they need a pacifier to satisfy their oral fixations.

5. Even though the toilet is only 5 feet (or less) away, they throw up on the floor/bed/a person.

6. They make accessorizing outfits a breeze.

7. For entirely different reasons, you'll want to bite their feet.

And, lastly (because I can't resist, and I certainly wouldn't want you to think having dogs and/or babies is a bad thing), one obviously AWESOME way living with dogs is like living with babies...

Their mega-watt smiles might make you melt into a quivering pile of goo!

By the way, the resemblance* is uncanny, don't you think?

So for anyone else out there who's had experience with both dogs and babies, got anything to add to the list?

*****

You know what? While I'm at it, living with cats is like living with babies, too. Yeah, they can't keep their clothes/shoes/vital accessories on for 5 minutes!

See what I mean?

Darn cat. ☺


* Really? You think 6-month-old me looks like Jon Farleigh?? (hehe) Perhaps I'll make that collage of the two of us my new profile photo. People be like, "Dang! A baby writes this blog?!"

It Rhymes With 'Hump' Day: Dump

Oh, hi there, you! Yeah, you. No, not the person over your shoulder, you. Hey, mind if I ask you a couple questions before you check out the rest of this post? Great! Okay, 1) Do you know this is a mostly dog blog? 2) Do you know me (read: I'm not exactly known on this blog for my couth and inhibition - just saying).

Okay, okay, so assuming you do know this is a dog blog and you know me, is it fair to say that when you saw the word "dump" up there in the title, you probably spent a second or two deciding whether or not it would be a good idea to come over here and look? ;) I mean, since you probably assumed I would be putting up pictures of Jon Farleigh and Dewi in the post, you had to have gotten a mental image of something, right? Okay, fine! You don't have to answer my rhetorical questions, but you and I both know that when I said "dump," you immediately thought of...

SNOW!

YEP, WE GOT A SNOW DUMP LAST NIGHT! YAY!

And by dump, I mean we got two whole inches! Whee!

I took over 100 pictures today!

With my Nikon point-and-shoot super zoom!

It was FREEZING!

Can you find Jon Farleigh up there??

There he is!

Isn't Dewi handsome??

Wow, Jon Farleigh looks so serious...

Wha??? 

bwahaha MADE YOU LOOK!!!   

Tune in next Wednesday when I rhyme 'hump' with...

P.S. I'm saving the majority of the snowy day pics I took today for a much more civilized post in February. I hope you will have forgiven me by then! :)

P.P.S. PLEASE don't let me forget that I'm hosting this on Sunday at 7:30 p.m. EST! I'd DIE!