Resolve to read something fun this year, and by fun, I mean 'House Trained' by J. Bouchard

You can trust me and go get your copy to read right now, or you can read this post first. Your choice. But if you choose the latter, DO NOT let me hear you complain. 

Though it might seem like it from the title alone, House Trained by Jackie Bouchard is not a step-by-step guide to house training one's pet. It is a lighthearted, witty and engaging romp, with distinct labradoodle overtones. I plowed through it in two late night sittings, but I'm thinking some people could do it in one. 

I would totally send you my copy to read, except the author (all three of whose novels I have plowed through with escapist expectancy) gifted it to me with her autograph and I couldn't bear to let it go. Note: No one *ahem, the author* asked me to write this review (though, she might have tried to send me telepathic thoughts; I can't be sure). I consider this a public service announcement to those who could use a little diversion from their own complicated existences.

Now that all that's settled, you can procure your own copy (in paperback or ebook) here (my affiliate Amazon link. I might get a penny to put in the fountain, considering the book is already priced at a steal).

Dear Reader, there is a reason I don't write many book reviews.

Because they suck, OK?! (Don't worry, I'll get back to the juicy House Trained details in a minute; I just need to unload this secret shame I've been harboring.) The truth is, I don't know how to write a proper book review. I hated the fork out of writing them in school, so I tried to quit. Not that I don't read book reviews (on Amazon and in blogs and stuff--though lately, I've pulled back from the former--because unless the book has crappy reviews across the board, it's all just so subjective. Plus, I don't want you to tell me the whole dang story before I even start, people! Where the heck was I before this tangent? Oh yeah * inserts closing parenthesis*), I mean, like I have the spare time to just read books based on their covers alone!

What I'm trying to say is: Why the heck would I write a book review--given the fact that I don't like to--unless I REALLY REALLY think y'all should read it? Especially - ESPECIALLY if you're still sitting here reading this! (Because if you are, that means I haven't repelled you with my dry humor yet, and JACKIE BOUCHARD--the author of House Trained--happens to use dry humor too! The difference is, she can write fun novels that people want to read, and I cannot! So why are you still here?) 

Wait!

At which point I feel remorse and actually tell you something about the book. 

Sorry. Here is a summary of the plot:

Crap, hold up! I forgot to mention I got all the way through a third of the book before I realized that I, in fact, had NOT read the book jacket summary - or any summary anywhere. I did NOT read the back cover, people. *insert the sound of a pin drop, followed by a sigh* Let me rephrase: Based on my knowledge of Bouchard's previous two novels, I dove into the third COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the plot (except that it had a dog in it and there might be some stuff about how dogs are like babies and vice versa). Imagine my surprise when I got to that first plot twist! OMG! Y'all, I haven't read a book without scrutinizing the summary since I was in primary school, and only went by the pictures! (I miss those days sometimes.) 

From the publisher:

"Alex Halstad, a childless-by-choice interior designer and dog mom, is a true perfectionist. But her orderly life turns chaotic when the teenage daughter her husband, Barry, never knew he had shows up on their doorstep...with a baby girl of her own in tow. While Alex’s dog enthusiastically welcomes the new arrivals, Alex struggles with the loss of her steady routine. She desperately needs peace and quiet to get her business back on track before Barry finds out she’s spent most of their savings. Meanwhile, the arrival of the girls stirs up old insecurities, and Alex can’t help but worry that Barry’s ex will make an entrance too. With her tidy life a distant memory, will Alex be able to learn from her dog the true meaning of love and acceptance?
From bestselling author Jackie Bouchard comes a humorous and heartwarming look at how life creates opportunities to love in surprising ways."

Did you read the summary? I hope so, because I'm not going to repeat it. I am, however, going to tell you a few things you need to remember before you start reading your own copy:

1. Alex, the main character, is a neat freak. She's an educated interior designer and a neat freak. Being a neat freak is freaking hard. How do I know? Because I used to be one. Before corgis. No, I still had a (normal-shedding) dog, a pile of cats and 3 kids, but, despite it, I was a miserable neat freak. The corgis forced me to accept that my house didn't need to look perfect for the visitor who might show up unannounced at any given moment (or even my own family). Dog hair on things is not equal to lead in paint or BPA in plastic. No one's gonna die, OK? OK. Just give Alex a freaking break (unless you're a neat freak, too, in which case, I have some corgi hair you can sprinkle around your house for sensitization therapy).
   
2. One of the main characters is a (first plot twist SPOILER alert, but only if you didn't read the summary) baby. A human baby, y'all. And SHE'S COOL! Imagine that! A dog book that also has a baby in it, and (gasp) they adore each other! It's like a breath of fresh air in dog-centric literature! (I mean, why does it always have to be dogs or babies? Weren't all us dog-loving people babies once?  Yeah, and the baby in this book might grow up to be a veterinarian, or discover the cure for dog cancer! So yeah, think about that, and let's all get along!)
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. There's a graphic scene where Alex makes egg salad from scratch while her husband watches. I hate egg salad. And by hate, I mean I can't stand the sight, smell or thought of it. If I was actually in the FBI (like my namesake Agent Elizabeth Keen of NBC's The Blacklist), I would totally spill all the government secrets if someone tried to force feed me egg salad. I can't remember why I'm telling you this....Oh! I'm telling you just in case you don't like egg salad either. So, if you don't, have a counteracting mental image prepared. The scene's graphic (as in Food Network-quality narrative), but it's relatively short, and early in the story. You probably won't even remember it by the end.☺

And that's it! You should run over to get your copy now! Fun this easy (and inexpensive - $2 on Kindle) should not be delayed!

Hope you enjoy reading House Trained as much as I did! 

Oh, what the frell...since the thing's that inexpensive, I should just GIVE A COPY AWAY!

Except that would be kind of chintzy for a giveaway, so let's give away a copy of ALL THREE OF JACKIE BOUCHARD'S NOVELS! I've read them all (remember?) and you should too!

One winner (in the U.S. or Canada) will receive one copy of all three titles:

House Trained
Rescue Me, Maybe
What the Dog Ate 

Enter through the Gleam giveaway gadget below! Good luck! I'll announce the winner on Facebook and Twitter the morning after the giveaway closes (11:59 p.m. EST 1/25/16).

Author Jackie Bouchard Trio of Novels Giveaway

Tell me: what's the title of the last book you read for fun? Spill it in comments!

[Sound Siren] Special Canine Weather Bulletin...Hurricane Joaquin Edition

Good evening. Jon Farleigh and Dewi here with a special weather bulletin.

As you might know from other, less canine news sources, we (along with millions of other East Coast dogs) are sitting here like rubber ducks, waiting for the uninvited arrival passing of that jerkface Joaquin.

Hurricane #Joaquin watch. pic.twitter.com/uEsGCQNMOp

— Flama (@theFlama) September 30, 2015

[Begin interruption]

Me (from off camera): BOYS?

Boys: Yeah, ma?

Me: Hurricane Joaquin is not that man. It's not a man at all; it's a storm. The picture is a joke.

Boys: Like us in these raincoats?

Me: JK! Hurricane Joaquin is TOTALLY that man!

Boys: Uh, oh kay?

[End interruption]

Geez, how rude. *sigh*
So, where were we? Oh, yeah...JOAQUIN! So he's like this big giant man-head way out in the ocean, and he's swimming north and, as many of you know, is expected to pass right by where a bunch of us live, making this HUGE wake and splashes that might rain down on top of us and the mountains and make the rivers and stuff overflow. See?

And all this commotion and splashing is making all the humans scramble to buy all the bread, milk, eggs, ice and batteries within a million miles, because the peeps are worrying about THIS:

So, we would just like to remind you (so that you do not worry about our stubby-legged selves AND can take immediate precautions - as needed - for your own whatever-sized-legged selves) that we are prepared with our (previously published at Richmond Pet Lovers.com)...

EMERGENCY 24-HOUR DOG'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING A POWER OUTAGE*.

Please also take note that in the event we have to use this guide, we will also be working part-time as human foot warmers.

Please refer to your other (less canine) news sources for current inclement weather information.

* Our power outage survival guide has only been tested one time, on us, and might not be entirely appropriate for your current electrical (or life) situation. Does not apply to cats. 

Dewi, why does your jacket seem like it repels water better than mine?

Because, bro, I'm Batman.

☺

Be safe, y'all! (For real! Be prepared; flooding is NO joke.)

Notes:

• The Hurricane Sandy version of this canine weather bulletin was published previously.
• Apologies to Joaquin Phoenix.
• To the beautiful people of the Bahamas, who will surely suffer great loss due to this storm, you are in our hearts and prayers. 

Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: Common Sayings Taken the Wrong Way: Pet Peeve

Have you ever sat down and thought about all the sayings we American English-speakers use that if taken literally (or even just the wrong way), could make a person unversed in the vernacular, wonder how hard we must have hit our heads when we fell off the turnip truck? I mean, why we say such nonsense?

Well, I do. And, to tell you the truth, I can't believe how many sayings I use that flat-out don't make any sense. And worse, if someone pressed me about why I say them, or where the expressions originated, I'd just have to stand there scratching my head. (Like, how do I know? I wasn't born back then!) Think about it. Isn't it weird? How we do this all day, and never stop to question the sensibility of the words coming out of our mouths? Or whether there's a different way of saying what we mean?

Like how, for example, do I "fly by the seat of my pants" to go anywhere? I mean, what does that even mean - fly by the seat of my pants? Because the image I'm getting is that of an invisible hook in the sky that dangles people by the belt loops, and then, whirls them around like Dumbo's on a Disney theme park ride. But, what happens after that? When the "newbie" gets more seasoned at whatever the heck it is they're doing? Does a flying carpet whiz in and take over? Then maybe a hang-glider? Until, finally, they've mastered the thing and get to ride in a plane, only to willingly jump out with nothing but a parachute to break their fall back to the hard ground? NOPE! NOT ME! I'd just assume not ever do anything remotely new and difficult again!

Fly by the seat of my pants, huh. What a stupid thing to do!

I'm no Dumb-o! Just leave me on the ground, thanks!
via insidethemagic.net

{Insert pause here. Count off: one second, two seconds, three seconds, four seconds...}

I'm sure I was trying to make a point with all that blather...oh yes! Pet peeve*! Have you ever wondered why exactly we use those specific words for this particular thing we're trying to convey? Like, why "pet" and why "peeve"? So, OK. I know a peeve is something annoying, but why do we, then, call the MOST annoying thing possible to us, our PET? Isn't that another way of saying it's our favorite, or worse, most beloved annoying thing? But, that doesn't even make sense! How freaking annoying!

* Grammar nerds may click here and/or here for the definition of "pet peeve" and here and/or here for its origin/etymology. (By the way, the experts can't even completely agree on this "pet peeve" stuff. So, tell me, how the heck are we commoners supposed to explain what it means to someone who doesn't speak English as a first language?! Also, why do dogs dig to China? And, why have I, on purpose, just bunched up my own panties? Don't answer that!☺)

AHEM

Alright. So, I've established that "pet peeve" is a weird combination of words. Hold on to that thought for a minute...

A couple weeks ago, I decided to scoop up Jon Farleigh (he's 37 lbs.-light) and dance around the kitchen (it was Mother's Day weekend and I was feeling extra happy**; haven't you ever spontaneously grabbed your pet for a dance?). One of my kids grudgingly took some pictures. Yes, she did, and, it turns out - from her vantage point - Jon wasn't feeling the joy quite as much as I was. (Though, to me, the back of his head sure did look adorable - bobbing up and down to the beat.) I'm not sure what he was feeling, truthfully, but when I saw this particular photo, just two words sprang to mind.

Now, this? This definition of "pet peeve," I can explain.  ☺

What's your most beloved annoying expression? Have you even thought about it before today? Does your dog or cat like to dance with you? (Don't lie. hehe)

** I was extra happy, listening to this LunchMoney Lewis tune my kids found for me. I dare you not to dance. 

11 Unexpected Ways Living With Dogs Is Like Living With Babies (Plus 1 About Cats)

You don't have to have a baby to know what it's like to live with a baby. How can I say this, you ask? Because I've had both babies and dogs. Three of each, in fact. And I'm telling you, if you want to know at least a modicum of what babies are like (without having your own), get a dog. And if you've had both? See if you don't agree!

Note: I can think of way more than 11 similarities, but for the sake of your attention span, I prioritized the less expected ones. (Portions of this list were previously published here.)


11 Unexpected Ways Living With Dogs is Like Living With Babies

1. A formed BM (after a sustained period of "unformed" BMs, aka horrible, explosive sh^t that necessitates a bath/shower/laundry/or infected item(s) thrown - using tongs and rubber gloves - in the outside garbage) is cause for loud celebration.
(Because one hasn't fully experienced parenthood until needing to cut the infected onesie off one's baby, or throw Fluffy's entire L.L. Bean (for example) dog bed in the trash.)

Soft, warm pretzel, anyone?

2. Leaving the house with either (baby or dog) requires one to tote an ample supply of plastic poo receptacles, both of which - when loaded - are like toxic hot potatoes, and must be thrown far, far away, to avoid olfactory assault, dry heaves and perceived ridicule from random passers-by.

Same sh*#, different butt.

3. They both eat crayons. Which makes for colorful #2.

4. Sometimes, they need a pacifier to satisfy their oral fixations.

5. Even though the toilet is only 5 feet (or less) away, they throw up on the floor/bed/you.

6. They make accessorizing outfits a breeze.

7. Extended periods of blissful silence, somehow, always end up as nature's way of getting you back for being selfish and inattentive. 

8. They enjoy the taste of furniture.

You know the saying: "Your face will freeze that way!"
(It won't, but don't tell any dogs or babies, OK?)

Image courtesy: My Parents
 (yes, it's me; I might not have actually eaten the table,
but I could have.)

9. They like to eat food off the floor. And if you have BOTH dogs and babies (or cats and babies, for that matter), they'll eat EACH OTHER'S food off the floor. 

Source: Bored Panda

10. For entirely different reasons, you'll want to nibble their feet.

And, lastly (because I can't resist, and I certainly wouldn't want you to think having dogs and/or babies is a bad thing), one AWESOME way living with dogs is like living with babies...

11. Their mega-watt smiles might make you melt into a quivering pile of goo!

The resemblance* is uncanny, don't you think?

* Really? You think 6-month-old me looks like Jon Farleigh? (wink)

*****

Wait! You know what? Living with cats is like living with babies, too. Yeah, they can't keep their clothes/shoes/vital accessories on for 5 minutes!

See what I mean?

Darn cat. ☺


So for anyone else out there who's had experience with both dogs (and/or cats) and babies, got anything to add to the list?

Tacky Cardigan With Words on It, Squared: The Ugly Sweater Paradox (and photo fest)

paradox (noun): 3. Any person, thing or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature. dictionary.com

I bought this "ugly" holiday sweater with the words "Let It Snow" on it for Jon Farleigh.
(Hint: That is why this post is a Tacky Cardigan squared. It's a "Tacky Cardigan" about an actual tacky cardigan. And, it has words on it. This achievement, to me, is like another person's completion of a half marathon. Not sure what the equivalent of a full marathon would be, perhaps this post. Anyway...)

I guess - notwithstanding it's in the shape of a dog's torso (vs. human's), which intrinsically detracts from the manufacturer's "ugly holiday sweater" marketing strategy - this sweater is ugly. I mean, I probably wouldn't purchase a similar design for myself, but ugliness is kind of subjective (even where dogs are concerned), you know?

Anyway, let's just assume the sweater - all by itself on a hanger - is ugly. But, look what happens when it's on Jon Farleigh.

Wait, there's more...

So, what do you think, now? Is it (the sweater) still ugly?

Here's my answer:

[represses gurgling noises] Ugly? How the flip can it be ugly when it makes my already-cuddly, floofy, loaf-of-Wonder-bread-shaped, doe-eyed, squishy, pookie-bear Jon Farleigh even more adorable than a diapered cherub shooting love arrows off the top of a cottony cloud next to a rainbow shooting out of a baby unicorn in a field of kittens?!

And, therein lies the paradox. But that's just my opinion. ☺

By the way, dog-sized, red buffalo-checked trapper hats aren't ugly (nor dorky) either.

OK, on three...one, two, SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Look at all the corgi fur exploding out of Jon Farleigh's sweater! Not even *I* realized he was that fluffy! It's killing me! More sweaters, please! For Dewi too! A lumberjack one! And maybe some snow shoes! ☺

But wait, there's even more! While y'all were celebrating, or sleeping in, or something, Jon Farleigh turned FIVE years old on New Year's Day! I can't believe he's five (and that Dewi will also be, in February). Where has the time gone? Here are a few pics from the day (some appeared previously on Facebook).

I purchased the Gingerbeg cookies, personalized bone biscuit and mini-cake from our local Three Dog Bakery. The sock monkey is just for show, and yes, the dogs got steak leftovers from New Year's Eve dinner at Ruth's Chris. Please don't tell them that it probably won't happen again, until maybe 2020, when Jon Farleigh turns 10. 

Happy New Year, everybody!