National Buffoon's Animal House (with a Side of Bacon) Starring Corgis, Jon Farleigh and Dewi

Original publish date: 5/27/13

Today, just because, I made a parody--starring Jon Farleigh and Dewi--of perhaps the greatest party flick of all time: Animal House. 

I (the buffoon of National Buffoon) call it: 

Animal House, with a Side of Bacon

With...

Jon Farleigh as Jon "Farto" Fartarsky

and

Dewi as Kent "Crappie" Arfman

A brief synopsis:

Kent (Crappie) is pledging the fraternity, of which Jon (Farto) is already a brother. 

The fraternity is:

 

Actual Dog-Greek letters

Translated (in case you don't know Dog-Greek): 

I Smelta Pie

Here is a stanza of the I Smelta Pie unofficial song:

♫ We like fried bacons and we cannot lie!

♫ We eats it with a slice of pie! (apple, of course - this is America.)

End of stanza

And, back to the plot...

So, in order for Crappie to get into I Smelta Pie, he has to go out into the field (where the deer and the antelope cantaloupe Canada Geese play) with Jon Farleigh Farto, but while Farto gets to roll in stinky things, Crappie can only stand by and watch.

Crappie (to himself, as he watches Farto find the stinky spot): Be strong. You can do this.

[sniffing]

Farto (to himself, as he plows his face into the stink): Oh, yeah.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Wowza!

Crappie to Farto: What is it, man?

Farto (to himself, ignoring Crappie, and rolling even more vigorously): Oh, yeah! This is what I'm talking about!

Crappie (as he plunges headlong atop the stinky thing): I give up! I can't take it anymore!

I Smelta Pie, be dammed by a beaver!*

Farto? Wanna go eat some bacon?

The End

Today's post has been brought to you by...

The two dog-sized, bacon neckties I purchased (with my own $2) in the cheap, holiday-themed accessory bins at Target.

Also...

Dear people who're in charge of the cheap holiday-themed accessory decisions at Target:

Remember how I wrote you a letter back in February, lamenting the fact that you offered exactly ZERO Valentine's Day-themed headband accessories, thereby forcing me to make do with "creative" substitutes, such as these green St. Patrick's Day antennae (for important blog posts such as this)?

Yeah, well, you've been redeemed.

♥,

Me

Thank you for reading! Please eat bacon responsibly!

* Despite his foul, disrespectful remark, and failing the stinky-roll abstinence test, Crappie became a full-fledged I Smelta Pie brother. 

BONUS TRACK:

From Animal House, Otis Day and the Knights - "Shama Lama Ding Dong"!

So, what's the silliest thing you ever made your pet wear? I'm talking all the way back to early childhood!

Does your dog roll in stinky things? ☺

Watch My #TrickorTreatDogs Smooch Me on Command and You Could Win Up to $1000 in Prizes!

Y'all! Jon Farleigh has a trick for you! And you know what else? We're giving away some dog crack (aka Jones Natural Chews Lamb Lung Puffs, provided by the company), because DOGS LOVE CRACK! Oh, and THIS!

Because of our friends at Kol's Notes and Beagles & Bargains - hosting this first-ever Trick or Treat Giveaway Hop-of-its-kind - we get to not only direct you to nine other awesome blogs and trick-performing dogs, but nine other treat giveaways AND, each time you enter one of THOSE, you'll be entered into the drawing for one of three magnificent GRAND prizes! All total, worth over $1000! (Details to follow.) But first...

Who wants to see how I taught Jon Farleigh to "give a kiss" on command?!

Everyone?! OK, yay!

Note: Incorrect form. Tip: DO NOT do as I did to get this photo op.
Smearing peanut butter on one's nose is NOT a part of training this trick. 

How to Teach a Dog to "Give a Kiss" in 6 Steps
(as opposed to just randomly shoving his tongue into your face at all times)

Before you start:
If you want to try this at home, you'll need a dog who likes to lick you on the face, specifically the mouth (as opposed to your eyelids or nostrils, for example, because redirecting the tongue is beyond the scope of this lesson). If you don't like being licked on the face by a dog, then, well, please read the directions anyway; there's a quiz. ;)

Step 1. Wait to catch one's dog in a happy, but calm (tired), mood.

Note: Yes, Jon Farleigh is quoting Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind. And, yes, he's wearing mistletoe on his head. It's for effect, OK?

Step 2. Get within tongue-shot of his face in a non-threatening way (i.e., NO STARING into his eyes or anything; that's threatening).

Step 3. Pucker up and tell him (nicely) to "give a kiss."

Step 4. Keep puckering and wait for him to take the hint.
Note: If he doesn't, maybe lick your lips or gently blow a puff of air on his nose (trust me, it works).

Step 5. Immediately after one's dog gives the kiss (but only if he waited for your command), say "thank you." DO NOT skip this step!

Step 6. Reward him using the PRAISE suggestions* below.
Note: I have never used a treat to reward Jon Farleigh for a kiss. Wouldn't want him to confuse my lips for a spot of beef liver (or lamb lung) or anything. (But a little lamb lung later on that evening, when you're not in the mood for kisses, will be JUST FINE!) 

* Suggested praise for "giving a kiss": 

1) Squeal like a piglet with joy.

2) Use your baby voice and say, "Oh, who's the best doggy in the whole wide world?! for example.
3) Lavish large amounts of rubbing and scritching upon his furry self.

Caution: Squealing like a piglet might actually entice one's dog to lick even more, making it difficult to breathe without sucking his tongue into one's airway.

Result (after several repetitions of entire procedure over several days): One's dog can "give a kiss" when told to do so.

Important (personal) aside: Jon Farleigh will also give liberal kisses when not asked to, especially when I lie on the floor on my back, or put my face next to his on the couch/bed. My husband, incidentally, does not care for facial dog smooches, but that does not stop Jon Farleigh from surprising him (husband) with a frog-like lash to the cheek.

I think Jon Farleigh might be due for some continuing education. *sigh*

So, do you want to see Jon Farleigh in action? Check him out! (Totally unrehearsed, by the way.)

Just call him "Hot Lips" Cardigan (M.A.S.H. pun intended). ☺

To whom it may concern: Dewi is not a kisser (except for a few "fairy" kisses to the eyelids first thing in the a.m.). He is, however, an expert spooner.

Let's Talk About Doggy Crack and Giveaways for a Bit

We weren't compensated with free crack (puffs) or otherwise to say this stuff, y'all; my pets (and that goes for the dogs and half the cats) GO WILD for Jones Natural Chews Lamb Lung Puffs! And yes, it IS just about one of the grossest things imaginable to think about eating. That's OK, though. It's PURE, made in the USA (organ) meat. It looks like dehydrated, grilled portobello mushrooms (or a steak that's been run over by a truck), but it's light and easily broken into small pieces (really small pieces for cats) and they LOVE it. (Read my full review here.)

Yum! (Oh wait, ew!)

I don't give it as a daily treat, because it's THAT good. Save that high-value crack for when you want your dog to do something GREAT! Like come when called, or walk on a loose lead, or not run out the front door when you open it. OR gift it to your dog (and/or cat) for the holidays! (Ahem.)

And right on time, I'm giving away a whole 8oz. bag (provided and shipped by Jones Natural Chews)! Residents of the U.S. and Canada are eligible!
(Tip: Like Jones Natural Chews on Facebook and Twitter to be among the first to know about the latest deals!)

a Rafflecopter giveaway
Did you enter? Yay! I hope you win, but that's not all! Each entry into my treat giveaway earns the entrant one chance in the GRAND PRIZE drawing (one of three grand prizes, actually, including a Peanuts Halloween Train from Lionel Trains). And because this is a blog HOP giveaway, you can enter to win a different treat prize each day during the contest period - at each participating blog. ALL of those entries count toward the grand prizes too!

Check out all the prizes and participants! For blog hop/giveaway details, be sure to visit the event page at Kol's Notes! 

Bonus Trick!

I call it the Dewi or "Crack" Dance. Dewi taught himself how to do it. ☺

A lung for me? Yes, please!

Parts of the "Give a Kiss" procedure were previously published. 

[Sound Siren] Special Canine Weather Bulletin...Hurricane Joaquin Edition

Good evening. Jon Farleigh and Dewi here with a special weather bulletin.

As you might know from other, less canine news sources, we (along with millions of other East Coast dogs) are sitting here like rubber ducks, waiting for the uninvited arrival passing of that jerkface Joaquin.

Hurricane #Joaquin watch. pic.twitter.com/uEsGCQNMOp

— Flama (@theFlama) September 30, 2015

[Begin interruption]

Me (from off camera): BOYS?

Boys: Yeah, ma?

Me: Hurricane Joaquin is not that man. It's not a man at all; it's a storm. The picture is a joke.

Boys: Like us in these raincoats?

Me: JK! Hurricane Joaquin is TOTALLY that man!

Boys: Uh, oh kay?

[End interruption]

Geez, how rude. *sigh*
So, where were we? Oh, yeah...JOAQUIN! So he's like this big giant man-head way out in the ocean, and he's swimming north and, as many of you know, is expected to pass right by where a bunch of us live, making this HUGE wake and splashes that might rain down on top of us and the mountains and make the rivers and stuff overflow. See?

And all this commotion and splashing is making all the humans scramble to buy all the bread, milk, eggs, ice and batteries within a million miles, because the peeps are worrying about THIS:

So, we would just like to remind you (so that you do not worry about our stubby-legged selves AND can take immediate precautions - as needed - for your own whatever-sized-legged selves) that we are prepared with our (previously published at Richmond Pet Lovers.com)...

EMERGENCY 24-HOUR DOG'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING A POWER OUTAGE*.

Please also take note that in the event we have to use this guide, we will also be working part-time as human foot warmers.

Please refer to your other (less canine) news sources for current inclement weather information.

* Our power outage survival guide has only been tested one time, on us, and might not be entirely appropriate for your current electrical (or life) situation. Does not apply to cats. 

Dewi, why does your jacket seem like it repels water better than mine?

Because, bro, I'm Batman.

☺

Be safe, y'all! (For real! Be prepared; flooding is NO joke.)

Notes:

• The Hurricane Sandy version of this canine weather bulletin was published previously.
• Apologies to Joaquin Phoenix.
• To the beautiful people of the Bahamas, who will surely suffer great loss due to this storm, you are in our hearts and prayers. 

Epic, Classic Cardigan: Did you know I wrote a pet-parody of Bohemian Rhapsody AND Wayne's World? Here it is.

I will never forget that sunny Saturday afternoon - sitting at my kitchen table - when I finished writing these lyrics. They had been days and countless re-writes in the making, and before that, the cause of MONTHS of angst-producing thought-percolation in my head.

When the last word was on paper (I wrote the whole thing long-hand), I just remember dropping my pen, running to find my husband and reading him the whole silly song. While at the same time, trying - in my quiet voice - to keep the lyrics' emotion and emphasis true to Mercury's original (wasn't even close, but that's OK).

My husband (who, frankly, had hardly ever read my pet humor, much less heard me read it aloud) just looked at me and smiled. I felt like a rockstar.

The piece was (and still is), creatively, the hardest thing I have ever produced for this virtual space, maybe ever. It's my epic rock ballad of dog-blog parodies.

And now, two years later, I give it to you afresh (and slightly revised). It still makes me feel like a rockstar. And I sure hope it makes you smile! ☺

<><><>

Dwayne's World Presents: Bohemian Dog Rhapsody (a song parody)

In case you aren't aware (and most of you won't be), I used to employ Dwayne (pictured above) on the blog as a roving tabloid reporter (of sorts). Here's his job experience. He was pretty good, if you ask me. But a while back - rumor has it - he went on a reporting sabbatical in the Chihuahuan Desert, and after that, well, word was he hooked up with some frizzy red-headed guy named Darth. And the two of them? Well, they got into this retro, public-access TV thing (as in: they had their own show called Dwayne's World - consisting mostly of a bunch of mindless blather and music videos). 

Yeah, I wasn't buying any of that malarkey, either (who does public-access TV anymore?). But then - out of the clear blue sky - I heard from Dwayne himself. And he told me it was all true. Then he sent me something for all of you (sort of a belated adios-and-have-a-nice-life e-card). I think you'll like it. 

Such a talent, that Dwayne. Gosh, I miss him!

<><><>

 Dwayne's World presents...

You'll laugh. You might cry. But, please, don't hurl; it's unbecoming.

Bohemian Dog Rhapsody

by Knave
(Queen canine cover band)

Tip: Click the PLAY button on the player below for the instrumental/karaoke track, so you can sing along! DO IT! ☺

♪♫♪♫ Is this my life?
It seems such a tragedy. 
Caught in a warped mind.
No escape from this parody.
Open your eyes.
It's just make believe, you see?
I'm just a red boy, from a red family.

And I am easy come, easy go

Never high, always low

Any way the wind blows, it's just passing gas to me.

♪♫♪♫♪

Mama, just licked a (small) man.

Put my tongue upon his head

Dragged it hither, now he's wet.

Mama, I had just begun

But he squealed, and then he shoved my head away.

Mama, ooooh

Didn't mean to get his eye

But it'll dry, and if not, I'll need to borrow...

The ShamWow, the ShamWow

As if slobber really matters.

♪♫♪♫♪

I see a boy who stacks legos with his hands.

Wants a pooch; wants a pooch

Have you tried the Petango?

Thunderbolt and lightning, pups might find it frightening

Try these (thundershirts - not an endorsement).

Galileo! Galileo! Galileo!

Galileo

Disney

Pinocchio!

♪♫♪♫♪

But I'm just a red boy and everybody loves me.

He's just a red boy, from a red family.

Spare him his pride from this blog malady.

Easy come, easy go - will you let him go?

Pepto Bismol! No - she will not let him go - let him go!

Pepto Bismol! She will not let him go - let him go!

(blah blah blah)

Never let me go - let me go!

Never let me go - oooh

No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Oh, mama mia, mama mia, mama mia, let me go.

  

The peeps at PetHub.com have a web page set aside for me.

For me.

For meeeeee!

(Hint: click image to crank up the volume!)

So you think you can make me a frat boy who smells pie?

Wrap bacon round my neck then leave me high and dry?

I Smelta Pie

Oh, baby, you must me bat-$#*t crazy!

I just gotta get out, just gotta get up outta here!

♪♫♪♫♪

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah

As if slobber really matters

Really, can't you see?

Slobber doesn't matter to me.

♪♫♪♫ Any way the wind blows...

The End

<><><><><>

Bonus music video!
The Muppets - Bohemian Rhapsody (full version)

Pure genius, it is (the video, and Jim Henson)!

♥♥♥

P.S. Dwayne's World isn't really real; neither is Wayne's World. 

 ^^^

If you could turn a song into a parody about your pet, which song would you choose? 

This Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words Wednesday: A Red Dog Lying Alone on the Floor

Here's the picture:

Think you can guess the 1,000 (give or take)-word backstory?

How about a hint (or 18)?

Well? Can you guess the words, now? (Poor Jon Farleigh; he's always drawing the short {and narrow} straw!)☺

Have you ever seen such afflicted dog expressions? Do you have pets who jockey for the same chair or bed or blanket? Who wins?

Note: Photos were previously published in 2011.