Classic Cardigan: I Just Ruined the Most Adorable Wordless Wednesday With a Butt Crack Story

The dog made me do it. 

Preface: The first time I published this story (on a Wednesday), "Wordless Wednesday" was in the title; "butt crack," however, was not. Also, #TongueOutTuesday was not a thing back then. If it had been, I wouldn't have ruined #WordlessWednesday (nope, I would've ruined #TongueOutTuesday instead).

Oh, and also:

#DidYouKnow? The scientific name for butt crack (two words) is intergluteal cleft. Yep, said Google AND Wikipedia. http://t.co/Qw7D8FFS99

— Elizabeth Keene (@ChroniclesCardi) May 12, 2015

"Intergluteal cleft" was too long to put in the blog title. (If you were following me on Twitter, you'd know this kind of trivia before the general population. Just saying.)

<end of preface>

Don't you hate it when you bend over to pat a friendly dog out in public and your pants (both under and outer) ride down to where the sun don't (naturally) shine?! Oh my gosh, I do too! Especially when my spouse tells me about it AFTER the fact. Like this one time...


I did it. I finally got photographic proof of a pet (of mine) with her tongue partway out. 

Anyone know why dogs and cats do this sometimes - forget to put their tongues back in? I mean, I think I'd notice if my tongue was sticking partway out. Wouldn't you? Of course, there was this one time (last weekend) when I showed half my butt to some innocent bystanders at the dog mall. (Not on purpose, OK? I'd bent way over to pet a happy westie.) Never mind that the victims were a sweet older couple from my church. Anyway, the point is, I didn't know I'd mooned them until after they'd walked away, because my spouse - who'd witnessed the whole thing, in helpless, humored bewilderment - told me so.

I swear I didn't notice when it happened - not even the slightest breeze! And, you can count on this: I will NEVER again exclaim behind a girlfriend's back, "That hussy totally knows half her @ss is hanging out the top of her pants! Sheesh, what is wrong with people?! And trade that thong for some granny panties while you're at it!" Nope, you'll never hear such ugliness from me again. 

Furthermore, why hasn't anyone invented an "alarm" to prevent this kind of thing yet? Like something one can clip to the inside of one's waistband, that delivers a harmless electric shock whenever there's a change in brightness and/or temperature in the cheek-al area? Let's see that on Shark Tank and then, on QVC! Wouldn't you buy one? Oh, come on, humor me, people! 

Well, fine, go on and be that way! Here, just look at these adorable pictures of my sweet Tigger with her tongue poking out!

This is so cute, I've just gotta squee! ♥

Now please, have a great day. And remember, crack kills!

STOP the Madness! It's Time for Affirmations and Meditation With Maddox (My Thumbed Cat)

Note: Neither I, nor Maddox, are certified meditation instructors. Frankly, we don't know what the heck we're doing. This is a parody. That said, we dare you not to smile.

Welcome, friends! It's been a tough go of it (your day, life, endeavor to become a professional magician, etc.) and we want to help! Do you have three minutes (of course you do; you're on the internet looking at social media)? Yay! Let's meditate for a bit. But before we start, here are a few helpful hints:

1. Sit down. If you can't sit (because you're standing in a subway, for example), for dear life, tether yourself to something, so you don't doze off and fall on something sharp! (Note: You won't doze off. Unless you're on the toilet, in which case, I hope you doze off, and your reading device falls in. Because ew! That's just wrong.)
2. Imagine you're sitting beside a picturesque waterfall, NOT Niagara Falls, though. Too violent.
3. Get over any issues you might have with giant tabby cats who have thumbs. Especially old ones named Maddox, with crooked whiskers and eyes slightly cocked. Maddox and his paws are a gift to stressed humans. Trust me.

Alright, you're almost there! To start, Maddox will say several affirmations directly to you (feel free to read them out loud; no one will care), and then he'll lead you through some calming imagery. Ready?! OK, shhhh....

affirmations

The sun is shining through your window and through your heart.

Today you will take one step toward your dreams.

Snacks make you smile.

You feel a deep connection with your feet.

Today you will be pleasantly surprised.

You are in a state of pure joy.

You are grateful for your breath, no matter how bad it might smell.

You are a calm airplane passenger.

You look for humor and fun in as many situations as possible.

Meditation is calming and will help you not have road rage.

meditation

And now, repeat the word "catnip" while viewing the following photos (and remember to breathe).

catnip

catnip

catnip

catnip

catnip

{Now, do that again, in reverse.}

end of session

Please use caution not to stumble while exiting, and have a pleasant day. ☺

Note: Maddox will not accept money.

Bonus Sound Effects

Maddox is a former shelter cat. We adopted him in 2012 from the Richmond SPCA. He was nine years old and on a prescription diet to maintain his urinary tract health. He is a polydactyl, and my soul man.

What Do Free Jones Natural Chews Have to Do With Free Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? Well, I'll Tell You.

OK, so you know how Reese's crack Peanut Butter Cups are may favorite drug food candy? (If not, consider yourself educated.) Well, OMG, if the Hersheys people didn't tell me that they'd noticed I'd mentioned their product a few times on social media, and for their upcoming blog anniversary, they were wondering whether I'd like to mention them again, except this time, they'd give me a giant bag of free ones to eat, AND they'd give me another giant bag to give away to a reader! And, I was like, "Does a Pooh bear eat honey out of a tree?!!"

Except, y'all, this is a dog (and sometimes cat) blog, and the Hersheys people don't even know I'm a person (which means I didn't get free candy), but the good news is: the JONES NATURAL CHEWS people (who make the equivalent of Reese's PB Cups for dogs) know I'm a person, and that this is a critter blog, and it was THEM who asked if we wanted the giant bag of crack Lamb Lung Puffs for the dogs to eat, and another for us to give away to a reader! (And, Jon Farleigh and Dewi* were like, "Do people poo in a tiny porcelain pool?!") Yay!

(*Except, the dogs needed me to type their hearty acceptance "speech" to the Jones people, which I did. And that concludes the disclosure portion of this post. ☺)

Jon Farleigh is a crack, I mean JNC Lamb Lung Puff junkie.

So, Lamb Lung Puffs. Sound delicious, right? Um, noooooo! Ewwww!! (Was what I initially thought, but then, I am not a dog, and these are dog treats.) And then I remembered the time I accidentally ate some lung myself, picking whole, steamed Maryland blue crabs, when I was much too hungry to be working so hard for a shot-glass-sized portion of shellfish. (Here's a tip: Love steamed crabs, but get something else to eat, if you're starving, unless you want to accidentally eat a lung [or intestine], in haste.) And I didn't die, or even get sick. It just tasted kind of bitter (compared to the sweet, succulent, butter-drenched crab meat). So there.

Which brings me to the top FIVE reasons why I love Jones Natural Chews Lamb Lung Puffs for my dogs:

1. They're made in the USA of all-natural raw protein sources (from USDA-inspected meat packing facilities).
   
   

   

   Single Ingredient = Awesome

2. The company was founded over 100 years ago in New York, by a dog-loving professional meat cutter named Jones, and has remained (now headquartered in Illinois) in the Jones family ever since.
   
   

   

   Lamb Lung Puffs look like pieces of dried-up well-done meat. They smell like it, too. 

3. My dogs LOVE them! (They've loved every type of Jones treat they've ever eaten.)
   
   

   

   Training treat, anyone? ☺

4. I can buy them from Amazon.com (not an affiliate link), my favorite online retailer.
   
   

   

   See Bertie? Yes, the cat. He chewed a small hole through the back of the treat bag one night, when it was still in the box it shipped in. Now, guess whether my cats like lamb lung treats (as much as the dogs do).  

5. They use everything in their treats but the "squeal...or moo, bleat, cluck, etc." In other words, just because WE might not like to eat a lung, or trachea, ear, esophagus, etc., doesn't mean another meat-eating animal wouldn't be thankful to get it! Don't let that nutritious protein go to waste, I say!
   
   

   

   So, do my cats like lamb lung? YES! BONUS! (OK, half of the cats like to eat lamb lung. The other three are weird.) Also, Bobby Flay O'Fish likes to play with the treats before he eats them. Typical. 

Now, whose dog (and perhaps non-picky cat) wants to win a giant half-pound bag of Jones Natural Chews Lamb Lung Puffs?! 

(You'd better all be raising your hands, yo!) Leave a comment (and record it on the Rafflecopter) and you just might! (Extra entries awarded to those who like Jones Natural Chews on Facebook.)

I'll email the winner! Good luck!

* Entrants must have a U.S. or Canadian shipping address. 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Happy second bloggiversary, Jones Chews! Chronicles of Cardigan is honored to be a part of your celebration!

I touched a lamb lung, and I liked it. No, let me rephrase: I touched a lamb lung, and didn't hurl up a lung.  Neither will you (hurl).

Guess what? Maddox loves Lamb Lung Puffs. I'm not even kidding. See his tongue?

I told you! Maddox is to lamb lung puffs as Mikey is to Life cereal.
(Note: For sound, hover in the upper left corner and click the speaker icon. Do it.)



Is it weird that I talk to my pets this way? Never mind.☺

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How to Teach My Dog to 'Give a Kiss'

That's right - MY dog. Because I have no idea how to teach your dog to "give a kiss." But, if you read how I taught MY dog (Jon Farleigh*, if you want specifics) how to do it, maybe you'll feel better equipped to try it at home.

Note: If you want to try it at home, you'll need a dog who likes to lick you on the face, specifically the mouth (as opposed to your eyelids or nostrils, for example, because redirecting the tongue is beyond the scope of this lesson). If you don't like being licked on the face by a dog, then, well, you've read two paragraphs too far.

Ready? OK.

Note: Incorrect form. Tip: DO NOT place peanut butter on nose,
unless you are a deranged dog blogger. 

First: Let my puppy/dog lick you on the face.

Second: Reward my dog for this action by either, 1) squealing like a piglet with joy, or 2) (in a high-pitched baby voice) praising him with all sorts of silly talk and/or lavishing large amounts of rubbing and scritching upon his furry self.
Caution: Squealing like a piglet might actually entice my dog to lick you even more, making it difficult to breathe without sucking his tongue into your airway.

Repeat second step liberally.

Now, to teach my dog how to "give a kiss" (as opposed to just randomly shoving his tongue into your face at all times).

1. Wait for the opportunity when my dog is happy, but calm (maybe when he's tired).
   
   Note: Please try to ignore the fact that (in this photo series) Jon Farleigh is quoting Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind.
2. Get within tongue-shot of his face in a non-threatening way (i.e., NO STARING into his eyes or anything, that's threatening).
3. Pucker up and nicely tell him to "give a kiss."
   
4. Keep puckering and wait for him to take the hint.
   Note: If he doesn't, maybe lick your lips or gently blow a puff of air on his nose (trust me, it works).
   
5. Immediately after my dog gives the kiss (only AFTER you asked him to), say "thank you." DO NOT skip this step!
6. Then reward him using the PRAISE suggestions mentioned in the previous procedure.
   Note: I have never used a treat to reward Jon Farleigh for a kiss. Wouldn't want him to confuse my lips for a spot of beef liver or anything.
7. Repeat this exercise several times, at different times throughout the day (or night).

Result: My dog (Jon Farleigh) can "give a kiss" when I (or you) tell him to. Truly, his licker does not discriminate against willing humans.

Important (personal) aside: He will also still give liberal kisses when not asked to, if I lie on the floor on my back, for example, or put my face next to his on the couch/bed. My husband, incidentally, does not care for facial dog smooches, but that does not stop Jon Farleigh from nonchalantly getting within distance and surprising him (husband) with a frog-like lash to the cheek.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I think Jon Farleigh might be due for some continuing education. ahem.

So, do you think you'll try this at home? Already have a dog who knows how to "give a kiss"? Wanna try it on Jon Farleigh yourself? Let me know (here or on Facebook)!

* Dewi is not a kisser (except for a few "fairy" kisses to the eyelids first thing in the a.m.) He is, however, an expert spooner. (He was born with it.)

Tacky Cardigan With Words on It: The Wisdom of Obscene Gestures

Or, perhaps that title should read, "The Absence of Wisdom in Obscene Gestures." 

Well, do you have a better explanation?! ;)

If you'd like me to consider a photo of your pet(s) for a Tacky Cardigan, just post it to the Facebook page!

Oh, hey, WAIT! Now seems like a perfect opportunity for me to tell you that nominations just opened yesterday for this!

I miraculously got picked as a finalist in Humor two years ago; here is my badge:

[insert mental image of a badge]

Isn't it cool!? OK, fine, my badge is in the "shop" getting a logo makeover (or it's gone forever, and I've been reduced to telling tall tales about it. Either way, I sound like a blathering boob, so never mind). 

But really, if you have a blog that you'd like to recognize for "standing out" (in a good way, and that includes your own blog, if you have one), why not take five minutes to nominate it?!

Here are the categories for the 2014 BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Pet Blogging and Social Media Awards:

<> Best Blog Design
<> Best Pet Blog Video
<> Best Pet Blog Photo
<> Best Blog Post 
<> Best Humor...
...GASP ack ack ack gag ack gasp AHEM ugh, excuse me, I opened up my mouth and a big bullfrog jumped in! Oh my gosh, UGH. So sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah...
<> Best Humor Blog
<> Best Dog Blog
<> Best Cat Blog
<> Best “Other” Blog (bird, hamster, fish, etc.)
<> Best New Pet Blog
<> Best Cause Blog
<> Best Pet Microblogger
<> Best Use of Social Media by a 501(c)3

Click HERE (or the Nose-to-Nose image above) to nominate someone by February 12!  

And if you wanna know what happens during the awards ceremony, here's a video of stills from last year!

☺

Of Cake Wreck(ing) Balls, Hershey, Kisses and Opportunistic PSAs

Disclosure: I tried not to. Really and truly, I tried.

I guess you could call this a belated Valentine's Day post. I'll let you decide after you get to the end.

So on Valentine's Day, Jon Farleigh and Dewi got a lovely little heart-shaped (doggie) cupcake to share. It came from Three Dog Bakery, the same place where I've gotten all their (doggie) birthday cakes.

Here's a photo of the cupcake:

 Cute, huh?

Yes, it was to me, too. Until I saw this on it:

Which reminded me that February is National Spay/Neuter Month, so I made this:

And then, after I did that, I looked at the cupcake again and saw this:

Which didn't really cause me to do anything, other than spend the next three days thinking about how I was going to "position" it (the steamer, aka pile of Hershey) in a blog post. 

I guess I can start thinking about something else now, huh? ;-)

And because I really do care about whether you, my dignified and exemplary readers, come back to read my blog on future occasions, the rest of this blog post will include only cute photos of my pets wearing cheap holiday-themed accessories from Target.

Enjoy!

Dang it! You weren't supposed to see that!

Dear Target People-Who-Make-Cheap-Accessory-Decisions:

As your #1 fan of cheap holiday-themed accessories (to use in important blog posts such as this), I'd like to point out that for the last three years, you have offered exactly zero Valentine's Day-themed headbands, necessitating my "making do" with creative alternatives (such as these gift-bag doggie "necklaces" from 2012 and the above St. Paddy's Day antennae). All I'm saying is that if you want to sell some Cupid's arrow (for example) headgear in 2014, I will buy it. 

Thank you.

Elizabeth

I believe it says "KISS ME."

What??

Happy (un) Valentine's Day, y'all!

;-)